:
Are we as women unreasonable in our demand to have men be monogamous with us?

Is the one man woman/one woman man type of relationship pointless?

Should we all just enjoy each other, and let the other half do as he pleases?

Do you think relationships would last longer if we weren't so jealous of the "other" woman?



I really wanted it to be a few general questions regarding women in general...not about me...
[This message was edited Tue Jan 21 14:32:52 PST 2003 by LaVisHh]

Goin' thru some things, LaV???

In short, Yes.

Is this a real question?

Fucking random people and moving from one person to another is gross. It has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with having a brain.

Sex is not love and love is not sex. People get confused sometimes.

All people can be unreasonable. Wanting monogamy isn't unreasonable. What it boils down to is this:

Everyone has specific wants/needs in a relationship. If someone can't fill those needs, a relationship isn't going to work. Personally, I NEED monogamy in a relationship. Therefore, anyone interested in dating me knows right away that in order to be with me, monogamy is a must. It's as simple as that!

Would you really ever be happy if that is what you accepted as the way of things?

Of course not, switching sides would be more realistic.

Are we as women unreasonable in our demand to have men be monogamous with us?
I don't think we have a right to demand anything from one another. I do believe that we as women have a right to ask the male to be monogamous. If he cannot or willnot do that then it is time to move on.

Is the one man woman/one woman man type of relationship pointless?
Never! It will happen with the right person.

Should we all just enjoy each other, and let the other half do as he pleases?
That is a control issue...No! You would just hate it in the long run.

Do you think relationships would last longer if we weren't so jealous of the "other" woman?
Jealousy is a nasty word...why would someone be jealous of the other woman. Just be glad it isn't you...

The right to require monogamy is included in the right to be selective in terms of a relationship. I would never start a relationship with someone unwilling to be monogamous and that is fine.

I really don't see an issue with anyone having specifics to get in a relationship- everyone has a right to choose who he/she is interested in dating. The reasons don't matter.

What I think IS unreasonable is to start dating someone in full knowledge that they are not right in hopes of changing him/her.

Am I that transparent?

LaVisHh said:

Yes!

LaVisHh said:

I didn't mean to make it sound like I was directing my statements at you, LaV.

Moonbeam...I want the type of relationship you described, but trust me that it isn't that easy. People can also "pretend" to be monogamous and you find out they prefer it the other way - after you have given them your love.

Moonbeam said:

likes hugs

Moonbeam said:

Natasha Cho...?

No, Lavish, you are not unreasonable. Many men cannot comprehend this concept, because they haven't evolved past their basic primitive programming to insemenate as many women as possible. This was necessary when the human race was in its infancy, but not so now. Women come to this much more naturally, so its not as much of a problem. Society, as a whole, still caters to this mentality that men who screw around are studs, but women who do the same are whores. It is a double-standard that we need to eliminate from our conciousness.

LaVisHh said:

In that case, he/she has been dishonest in full knowledge of your necessity/desire for monogamy. That is a severe violation of trust! Although I won't offer any advice about what to do in that situation, I do view it as a serious matter and I don't know if I could look past something that fundamental to ME. Then again, that's why I'm so careful about relationships- I want to make sure I know who I'm dealing with first.

I wish you the best of luck, LaV. You deserve everything you want/need in a relationship and more.

TRON said:

Case in point! She's learning, though.

JediMaster said:

Well said. That is what the whole thing seems to me too. That's why I try to understand it - fighting it seems to get nowhere.

LaVisHh said:

Not all men can't control themselves though. Plenty can. I guess that some can't.

Oh, and this HONESTLY wasn't meant to be about me!

I really wanted it to be a few general questions regarding women in general...not LaV again...

Lav


I once had a friend who was married to a guy who would tell her all the time how he didn't understand her problem with his wanting to screw other women on the side. He said "it doesn't MEAN ANYTHING" if he had sex with other women. Aside from the fact that he was a rather self-interested jerk who was only concerned with gratifying his base urges, it upset me that her being so hurt by his attitude apparantly didn't matter to him, either. Instead, he would make her feel that there was something wrong with HER that she didn't readily accept his wish to have sex outside the marriage, that she was being immature or bitchy or whatever by not wanting him to do that. That is disgusting to me, to deliberatly cause hurt to someone you claim to LOVE, all just so you can satisfy YOURSELF. She deserved sooo much better than that - someone who truly valued her and what a commited relationship *means*. (They've since divorced and I've lost touch with her but I hope and pray she's found someone new that loves her the way she deserves and wants)

A one woman/one man, exclusive relationship can be the greatest, most satisfying, fulfilling, beautiful thing ever..but it's also one of most difficult to achieve and maintain, and especially with someone who 1) either isn't mature enough to handle the obstacles inherent in such a relationship; 2) or who just doesn't want to bother with the hassles, both personal and shared, of such a relationship; or 3) is too emotionally immature, selfish, or craves the constant ego stroke of constantly bedding new 'conquests', A person such as that isn't going to be able to make the sacrifices and choices necessary for a committed relationship. (I don't usually like to make broad brush statements about people, but a great majority (in MY experience) of people who don't ever care to be in committed, stable, monogomous relationships seem to show those traits.)

There comes a time when you have to just decide you deserve the kind of relationship YOU want, and that YOU need, and always pounding your head against a wall is only going to give you unending pain. Nothing will change the other person. You have to just move on and have faith that there is someone else out there who is meant for you. (easier said than done, I know)

I wish you the best in your situation, Lav. You don't deserve to be hurt or made to feel that what you want from a relationship is "unreasonable". It isn't. Not at all.

Thank you, SnowQueen.

bkw said:

Absolutely! Some of us have evolved beyond our primitive, base natures.

Difficult subject

I think what tends to happen is that expectations tend to be unreasonably high in both genders. If we bring expectations into reasonable context, needs are more likely to be met.

If a man/woman finds a partner with similar/like expectations, the relationship may be more well suited.

Acceptance is a big part as well. Can I accept this behavior from my partner? If we can't come to a mutual agreement, then we must reevaluate our individual needs, and see if this relationship is a proper fit.

Let your common sense/center/intuition bring logic in. Get the emotions out of the way temporarily.

Be realistic.

I don't think women have been hard enough on men. If a woman is in love with a man she would let him get away with murder and even more. Men are spoiled ... I think they need a strong woman 2 show them the proper way 2 treat a lady. Enough of the sabby emotional cry baby ish ... come on

There are a few men left that believe in that. I've met a few, unfortunatly they were married already, or were in a relationship.
So I'm wainting for my turn, quietly, patiently..

DigitalLisa said:

But then you'd complain about it..."guuurl I have to show HIM EVERYTHING!!"

Oh its ME again Digibaby!!!

Brother915 said:

I think the storyline of babyboy was so true . Despite the sterotypical controversey surrounding it, but that's what I see everyday. It was like the movie of my life

Lavish said:

no... i demand the same from my wife... she demands the same from me...

it's not pointless... it's just hard to find sometimes...

hmm, yes and no... i think that there have to be certain perameters... both sides should be able to enjoy the company of whoever they want to keep company with... but if someone started enjoying other people sexually, i think it would time for the other person to move on... i think that each half should do what it pleases, as long as it doesn't hurt the other half...

depends on what you mean by the other woman... and would it make a difference if that woman were a man...
actually, i don't think that jealousy is really a good idea at all... i don't think that either person should be jealous of the other person's friends...
however, if the other person is getting more than friendly with other people, then jealousy is going to do much to help that situation either: just get the fuck out of the relationship...

.see below
[This message was edited Tue Jan 21 17:37:20 PST 2003 by Abrazo]

Abrazo said: