ZombieKitten said:

Yep, and even now she has said that she is always going to wonder if I am going to regret being with her and not having kids. I've always been honest with her about basically being on the fence about it (I've been happy to be with her and her decision, but admitted that if i'd never met her and I'd been with someone else who did want kids I probabably would have had them by now).

KeithyT said:

This is pretty much where I'm at right now with my husband, him being the one who wants kids.

KeithyT said:

I know from experience how hard it is for both of you .

minneapolisgenius said:

Having children is a huge thing and takes lots of energy and patience from both parents.
I could not imagine having a baby if both parents did not want it.
I had an ex with children, I was a step mom at 22 yrs old. I did not want kids, I thought it would be ok since he did not have full custody of them.
It was not fine. You could tell that he wanted to have more with me and I knew that was not what I wanted.
I am so thankful that I did not give in and have any with him.
It would not have been fair to any of us.

Sorry to hear about some of you struggling with this decision/feeling. Must be tough.

minneapolisgenius said:

I'm sorry. My wife has moments where she thinks she is abnormal for being so adamantly anti-kids. I know she is not. but obviously now I have let her down enormously for being part of that pressure that she sees as stereotypical.

KeithyT said:

I used to put a lot of pressure on to myself because I was anti-children. I finally broke down my reasons for not wanting children.
I realised that I was being wise for not having any while feeling the way I did about children.
Once I took a look at my reasons and let the fear go some what, I was free to examine my true feelings.
It is different for everyone.

Having children on a whim is not a good idea, especially if you're not 100% sure you even want them. Think about it. It's at least an 18-year commitment, sometimes much longer. Raising children is not cheap either. How much money does it take to raise a child, not just financially but emotionally? The question is not am I being selfish for not having a child, but am I being reckless for having a child I am not sure I really want?

I understand wanting to have your own biological child, but if it's not possible there are thousands of children waiting for loving homes. Seems to me if a person really loves children that much, he/she would step up and agree to adopt one of these children. Sure, it's not your own flesh and blood, but flesh and blood nonetheless that needs love, nurturing and respect.

I've never had any children, and I don't regret it. Not that I'm selfish and never wanted any. I never married and did not believe in having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me.

Serious said:

Thanks.

MrsMdiver said:

Yeah, I'm just not even sure why I don't want kids. I AM a really selfish person, I know this, so that's a big one; letting go of my freedom and all. But when I think about it, I realize that I've never ever wanted kids or even thought about it growing up like some girls did. I just don't have any maternal instinct whatsoever (except maybe with my cats, but even then ). Then I start feeling "abnormal" as a woman because aren't we supposed to want kids? I don't even like kids! I suppose I would like my own though. Well, I would hope.

minneapolisgenius said:

I don't want to stir up any trouble but perhaps deep down you know your husband is not the right mate for you? When Val met her mister right she changed her mind, and I know I'd never have considered having kids with my previous serious partner.

ZombieKitten said:

Yes, sometimes I do think that (hence the comment about not wanting to bring in a baby into the mix when things are already hard). But on the other hand, I do love my husband very much and we've been together a very long time, so it's hard to pull away. Plus, we've never had a "conventional" relationship or marriage that's for sure. (I mean hell, we take separate vacations, and have for a long time) Sometimes I do think about just saying "fuck it! It's time to grow up!" and trying to have a normal life and normal family and do that whole thing. It's too hard this way.

minneapolisgenius said:

ZombieKitten said:

That's a good point. Well as you know it was similar for me. Still I probably won't have children in my current relationship either. And relationships are so complex, overall my last bf was my Mr. Right, much more than my current bf no matter how much I love him .

Serious said:

ZombieKitten said:

Thanks Charlotte, have nice dreams !

Well, this is just for everyone on this thread then.

minneapolisgenius said:

MrsMdiver said:

hehe I'm the green one.

Shyra said:

Totally agree (except the part about having a child out of wedlock). I'd add that it is not selfish to not want children. It takes a mature person to recognize, "hey parenthood is not for me" and not cave in to society's (and sometimes your spouses/partners) pressure that you are somehow less than a real woman if you don't want kids. Since high school, I have put up with people telling me one day I'd want to get married and have kids. I was always adamently against both and guess what? I'm in my 30s and still am not interested in either.

I don't have a maternal bone in my body, I find babies creepy and children gross me out with all their germs and general obnoxiousness (although that could be due to the parenting in NYC!; but even my 7 year old niece gets on my nerves and I only see her once a year). Does that make me selfish? I don't think so; I think it makes me the kind of person who knows parenthood is not a wise decision for her.

.
[Edited 3/31/10 6:16am]

minneapolisgenius said:

So does that make Prince the purple one????

minneapolisgenius said:

Because green is the colour of hope?

Serious said:

No because I am often jealous.

and I don't think Prince does group hugs. Well, maybe, but only so he can pick our pockets.

No kids for me.
It’s never been a goal of mine. I guess lots of kids grow up knowing they want to get married and have kids of their own someday but those thoughts never crossed my mind.

As I’ve gone through my 20’s and now my 30’s I get occasional irrational pangs of wanting one, but I know it’s about 98% hormonal. When I think about it rationally, I still can’t imagine it. I can’t live without sleep for months on end, for example. And I’ve lived alone for so many years now, I can’t imagine having to share my home with another actual person.

The other 2% is me realizing the damn clock is ticking and I have to decide NOW if it’s what I want. And I worry that I could change my mind later.

Meh. Kids are for other people.
I guess.

minneapolisgenius said:

Or if they are with hot women

minneapolisgenius said:

I don't think he does group hugs either.
If he did he would charge us all for it.

I am so sorry for what happened to you sister and the loss your family suffered, but please do NOT let fear guide your decision.

I am a single mother of three... I have seen many women have their children just for the sake of having children, some married and some not, just like me.
Its just like marriage.
Some women get caught up in the thoughts of that "baby smell" and baby booties" just like they get caught up on having a big home, a dig diamond ring and a good looking hubby....
well, children grow up and become teenagers.

How much time to you have to devote to someone else? I devote all of me to my kids with out hesitation, and its hard but it taught me compassion, patience, how to be more responsible .... but you can learn all these things with out having a child. All you need is a heart that's willing to serve/help others.

There is NOTHING selfish about knowing that you are not cut out for motherhood.
I applaud you for your wisdom.
You see, I have a sister that has three kids that she neglected. Her eldest is now a stripper and I love my niece dearly, she is a wonderful girl that took a wrong turn in life because her mom has ambitions that don't include showing her daughter enough love. These things can happen when you really didn't want kids in the first place. Kids know and feel if they are wanted or not... they just know and they can become resentful and bitter adults if the situation isn't fixed.

Live a happy life, what ever that is to you and your husband. I said this before, any home can be full of love and happiness with or without children.
Children do not guarantee you being a "good person" or happiness.

That being said, I had my first child too young, I had two more and can say that they are the best thing that has happened to my entire family. Because they are good little people full of love and compassion. Even the teen inspires people where ever he goes. I am blessed for that, I can not imagine being the person I am without them. They are wonderful. They were wanted by me. I want them everyday, and because of that, I enjoy their company everyday.


[Edited 3/31/10 6:29am]

paintedlady said:

Agreed. My parents were not ready or in a good place within themselves to have children. Thankfully they stopped and only had one. They hated one another and resented having me.
It is no way for a child to grow up. I vowed that I would never do that.
I am glad that I learned from their mistakes.
[Edited 3/31/10 6:34am]

MrsMdiver said:

Me too, you are a blessed woman and you have a happy life because you actively choose to do better for yourself and your loved ones.

paintedlady said:

That is the least I could do for another human being that I chose to bring into this world.