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PrintableMrsMdiver said:[quote] paintedlady said: That is the least I could do for another human being that I chose to bring into this world.   I wish more people did.
Dancerella, do what your heart wants and your head will follow.  "The right thing" to do is what ever you make it. | |
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paintedlady said:[quote] MrsMdiver said: paintedlady said: That is the least I could do for another human being that I chose to bring into this world. I wish more people did.
Dancerella, do what your heart wants and your head will follow. "The right thing" to do is what ever you make it.Good advice. I must add that I am still not a baby/kid person. I love my own but we were in the store the other day and a kid was screaming. It drove me insane. I can only tolerate my own. It is different when it is your own. | |
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jone70 said: Shyra said: Having children on a whim is not a good idea, especially if you're not 100% sure you even want them. Think about it. It's at least an 18-year commitment, sometimes much longer. Raising children is not cheap either. How much money does it take to raise a child, not just financially but emotionally? The question is not am I being selfish for not having a child, but am I being reckless for having a child I am not sure I really want?
I understand wanting to have your own biological child, but if it's not possible there are thousands of children waiting for loving homes. Seems to me if a person really loves children that much, he/she would step up and agree to adopt one of these children. Sure, it's not your own flesh and blood, but flesh and blood nonetheless that needs love, nurturing and respect. I've never had any children, and I don't regret it. Not that I'm selfish and never wanted any. I never married and did not believe in having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me. Totally agree (except the part about having a child out of wedlock). I'd add that it is not selfish to not want children. It takes a mature person to recognize, "hey parenthood is not for me" and not cave in to society's (and sometimes your spouses/partners) pressure that you are somehow less than a real woman if you don't want kids.  Since high school, I have put up with people telling me one day I'd want to get married and have kids. I was always adamently against both and guess what? I'm in my 30s and still am not interested in either. 
I don't have a maternal bone in my body, I find babies creepy and children gross me out with all their germs and general obnoxiousness (although that could be due to the parenting in NYC!; but even my 7 year old niece gets on my nerves and I only see her once a year). Does that make me selfish? I don't think so; I think it makes me the kind of person who knows parenthood is not a wise decision for her. 
. [Edited 3/31/10 6:16am] I'm getting that feeling as I get older. Some kids with their rudeness and heathen ways make me want to slap the shit out of 'em, but I know better. I just wish their parents would step up to the plate and discipline the lil fuckers.  Seriously though. I've met some simply adorable, well-mannered children and some that I would gladly annihilate. And to think I once considered teaching! | |
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I already have two kids.
If the man I am in a relationship with REALLY wants a child and can afford it, then maybe I'd go for it (again). Having kids is wonderful, but hey, that's lots of work, and I'm a lazy girl. | |
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MrsMdiver said: I must add that I am still not a baby/kid person. I love my own but we were in the store the other day and a kid was screaming. It drove me insane. I can only tolerate my own. It is different when it is your own. And therein lies the problem! The parents of the other screaming kid were probably able to tolerate it because the child was their own. I see terribly behaved children everywhere in NY and if you dare give a dirty look or make a comment about it; the parents act like you have committed a cardinal sin because their kid is perfect, the cutest, smartest, etc. and god forbid you dare to disagree with them!
Shyra said: I'm getting that feeling as I get older. Some kids with their rudeness and heathen ways make me want to slap the shit out of 'em, but I know better. I just wish their parents would step up to the plate and discipline the lil fuckers. Seriously though. I've met some simply adorable, well-mannered children and some that I would gladly annihilate. And to think I once considered teaching! I used to really like kids--I loved to babysit when I was 12, 13. But then I became a lifeguard and taught swimming lessons for 8 years: "Teacher teacher watch me!" (then they put their face in the water, and come up sputtering), they clung to me like their lives depended on it in the deep water, even though they knew how to float, they practically strangled me when jumping off the diving board into the 10' water, despite my instructions to "jump TO me, not ON me." Yeah, after 8 years of that I had had enough of kids. (I guess it's better I realized it then, rather than after having a kid, when it would have been too late!)
. [Edited 3/31/10 9:11am] [Edited 3/31/10 9:12am] The check. The string he dropped. The Mona Lisa. The musical notes taken out of a hat. The glass. The toy shotgun painting. The things he found. Therefore, everything seen–every object, that is, plus the process of looking at it–is a Duchamp. | |
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jone70 said: MrsMdiver said: I must add that I am still not a baby/kid person. I love my own but we were in the store the other day and a kid was screaming. It drove me insane. I can only tolerate my own. It is different when it is your own. And therein lies the problem! The parents of the other screaming kid were probably able to tolerate it because the child was their own. I see terribly behaved children everywhere in NY and if you dare give a dirty look or make a comment about it; the parents act like you have committed a cardinal sin because their kid is perfect, the cutest, smartest, etc. and god forbid you dare to disagree with them!
Shyra said: I'm getting that feeling as I get older. Some kids with their rudeness and heathen ways make me want to slap the shit out of 'em, but I know better. I just wish their parents would step up to the plate and discipline the lil fuckers. Seriously though. I've met some simply adorable, well-mannered children and some that I would gladly annihilate. And to think I once considered teaching! I used to really like kids--I loved to babysit when I was 12, 13. But then I became a lifeguard and taught swimming lessons for 8 years: "Teacher teacher watch me!" (then they put their face in the water, and come up sputtering), they clung to me like their lives depended on it in the deep water, even though they knew how to float, they practically strangled me when jumping off the diving board into the 10' water, despite my instructions to "jump TO me, not ON me." Yeah, after 8 years of that I had had enough of kids. (I guess it's better I realized it then, rather than after having a kid, when it would have been too late!)
. [Edited 3/31/10 9:11am] [Edited 3/31/10 9:12am] Oh this was a very small baby. Just doing the normal crying thing because that is their only way to communicate. When my son is old enough to be told "No" or "stop it", he will be made to behave, Momma don't play! | |
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I don't think it's selfish not to have children if you don't feel like having them. Infact, I think it would be selfish to have them just for the sake of satisfying some standards / expectations that you don't really feel inside yourself. I do see myself as a mother some day because I somehow hope I'll find myself in a situation when it would really make sense, but I don't judge people who refuse to have children.
And if you really feel attracted to that idea and have the "right" person by your side, it's very likely that you won't regret it. This is my honest opinion. All the best to you |
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jone70 said: MrsMdiver said: I must add that I am still not a baby/kid person. I love my own but we were in the store the other day and a kid was screaming. It drove me insane. I can only tolerate my own. It is different when it is your own. And therein lies the problem! The parents of the other screaming kid were probably able to tolerate it because the child was their own. I see terribly behaved children everywhere in NY and if you dare give a dirty look or make a comment about it; the parents act like you have committed a cardinal sin because their kid is perfect, the cutest, smartest, etc. and god forbid you dare to disagree with them!
Shyra said: I'm getting that feeling as I get older. Some kids with their rudeness and heathen ways make me want to slap the shit out of 'em, but I know better. I just wish their parents would step up to the plate and discipline the lil fuckers. Seriously though. I've met some simply adorable, well-mannered children and some that I would gladly annihilate. And to think I once considered teaching! I used to really like kids--I loved to babysit when I was 12, 13. But then I became a lifeguard and taught swimming lessons for 8 years: "Teacher teacher watch me!" (then they put their face in the water, and come up sputtering), they clung to me like their lives depended on it in the deep water, even though they knew how to float, they practically strangled me when jumping off the diving board into the 10' water, despite my instructions to "jump TO me, not ON me." Yeah, after 8 years of that I had had enough of kids. (I guess it's better I realized it then, rather than after having a kid, when it would have been too late!)
Oh, I'm a master at this! I was in Target and this one little boy was screaming at the top of his lungs as soon as I walked in the door. You could hear him from every corner of the store. I made sure I stayed away from him and his mom as they shopped. Low and behold, who should end up behind me in the checkout line? Lil boy commenced to screaming again at the top of his lungs and his mother just stood there like she was deaf and mute. I turned around and gave that boy a look that would wither shit. I didn't open my mouth, I just glared at him. He was so scared, shocked, taken aback, or whatever emotion a 5-year-old could muster, and stopped in mid scream, mouth hanging open and bug-eyed. Not another peep ensued. I looked at his mother and she smiled! | |
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Before I had kids, I did not like kids at all. My children have taught me strength, patience and courage BUT:
I never had any mothering instincts or yearning to be a mother. I still believe to this day that I am not the type of person that should have ever had kids. I find myself wondering if I should have given them up for adoption. I think people really should search their souls before having kids. Can you stand constant crying or having to take off work at a moment's notice if you have a sick kid? What about a worst case scenario with your child being born with a disability? I don't want anyone having the regrets that I have. | |
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Vendetta1 said: Before I had kids, I did not like kids at all. My children have taught me strength, patience and courage BUT:
I never had any mothering instincts or yearning to be a mother. I still believe to this day that I am not the type of person that should have ever had kids. I find myself wondering if I should have given them up for adoption. I think people really should search their souls before having kids. Can you stand constant crying or having to take off work at a moment's notice if you have a sick kid? What about a worst case scenario with your child being born with a disability? I don't want anyone having the regrets that I have. Woman I love you, your honesty is something I wish my sister was brave enough to have. Facing truth head on always makes any situation a better one because it shows that you are willing to work at making things better. Your kids will be just as brave and honest as you... and that's a good thing, no need for regret if you look at it that way.  | |
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paintedlady said: Vendetta1 said: Before I had kids, I did not like kids at all. My children have taught me strength, patience and courage BUT:
I never had any mothering instincts or yearning to be a mother. I still believe to this day that I am not the type of person that should have ever had kids. I find myself wondering if I should have given them up for adoption. I think people really should search their souls before having kids. Can you stand constant crying or having to take off work at a moment's notice if you have a sick kid? What about a worst case scenario with your child being born with a disability? I don't want anyone having the regrets that I have. Woman I love you, your honesty is something I wish my sister was brave enough to have. Facing truth head on always makes any situation a better one because it shows that you are willing to work at making things better. Your kids will be just as brave and honest as you... and that's a good thing, no need for regret if you look at it that way. | |
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ZombieKitten said: dancerella said: Ok I know this is a deeply personal topic but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm married but strangely have never felt maternal, however in the past couple of years i've been thinking about it a lot. I'm really torn. Part of me wants to experience this because starting a family would be a beautiful thing but on another hand I think it may not be for me as an artist and just like being free to do whatever,however, whenever. I also lost my only sister a few years ago to an ectopic pregnancy which has left me devastated and turned off to the whole idea. My question to you guys is how many of you don't want children? For those of you that have children, do you think would I seriously regret it later on? For me it's deeper than just not wanting them. I have to deal with the whole ordeal with my sister. I'd love to hear anyone's opinion on the topic. If I decide not to, is it ok? or will people look at me as selfish?
no it's not selfish NOT TO have kids there are few good reasons for having any The only one I can think of is that you know you could raise a good human pretty much any other reason would be selfish 
they are unlikely to fill the "void" in you (if you are feeling any such thing) they won't fix any marital issues, though they sure will compound them! as an artist children are an endless source of frustration but on the other hand incredible inspiration I'm not ungrateful to have my 3 guys - they are growing up into amazing and interesting people with so much to give - I know I've done a pretty good job so far, but I still have fears that things I do damage them (psychological issues etc, blamed on their up-bringing etc) motherhood has robbed me of my previous identity (which I can't even remember now) and my new one ("mummy" "servant" "slave" "angry all the time person" etc) doesn't sit so well with me  I don't really like who I've become 
I never really thought about having kids, never WANTED it so much as always assumed one day I just would, later. I just happened to hook with a guy who was crazy for babies and gave in to his enthusiasm without so much considering what I thought. AND NOT JUST ONCE, but 3 times 
I could go on and on I really respect your honesty. Some of the things you mentioned are some of the fears i have. As an artist I am afraid of giving up what I love to do. I can't even really function if I can't dance or choreograph. Kids are a handful. I need to figure if motherhood is truly something i want or not. | |
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dancerella said: I really respect your honesty. Some of the things you mentioned are some of the fears i have. As an artist I am afraid of giving up what I love to do. I can't even really function if I can't dance or choreograph. Kids are a handful. I need to figure if motherhood is truly something i want or not. Maybe you could be a Big Sister or volunteer at a school or an after-school tutoring program -- that type of thing. You would still have the opportunity to make a positive impact on a child's life and not have to deal with all the other stuff you're not sure about (to put it bluntly). It also might help you clarify what you really want. The check. The string he dropped. The Mona Lisa. The musical notes taken out of a hat. The glass. The toy shotgun painting. The things he found. Therefore, everything seen–every object, that is, plus the process of looking at it–is a Duchamp. | |
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KeithyT said: I've just turned 39 and recently had a similar conversation with my wife (soon to be 35). I'm definitely having some sort of mid-life crisis and have all sorts of stupid shit going on in my head at the moment. My wife has never wanted children and still does not, is definitely not going to change her mind. This had never been an issue for me, every now and again we would mention it as people around us started families but we have both been 100% honest and agreed it was not for us.
BUT I recently began believing that I really do want them after all (all brought on by ageing and losing family members that meant so much linked in to childhood memories etc etc.) so I told her and the convo did not go well understandably. It nearly destroyed her to know I was thinking this, and she has told me in no uncertain terms that if I do then it won't be with her. All very upsetting as we have been together 13 years, married for 7 and love each other. Although we are OK now having discussed it round and round. I don't think I necessarily backed down but acknowledged that my thoughts were ultimately wrapped up in the dreaded mid-life crisis. I'm very scared that if I decide I really do want kids then our marriage is over. Not sure how relevant that is to your situation, but it illustrates how there are no hard and fast rules in life, love, relationships and/or whether you should have a family. It is kind of expected still if you are married (family and peer pressure can have a bearing but should not make you decide just cos it's the done thing). As others have said only you really know what you want. [Edited 3/31/10 4:28am] wow i would say our situations are quite similar. i always said i didn't want them until about 2years when i turned around and realized i'm getting older and some of the people i know are starting to have them. it's so hard not to feel some sort of pressure from that but that's why i think it's important for people like you and me to figure if our feelings are genuine or mostly because of peer pressure in which case that would be the wrong reason to do it. after the child is born, i don't want to feel like ok i made the choice to go through with it, to please people and fit into society but now what?? I hope you and your wife can figure things out together. | |
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jone70 said: Shyra said: Having children on a whim is not a good idea, especially if you're not 100% sure you even want them. Think about it. It's at least an 18-year commitment, sometimes much longer. Raising children is not cheap either. How much money does it take to raise a child, not just financially but emotionally? The question is not am I being selfish for not having a child, but am I being reckless for having a child I am not sure I really want?
I understand wanting to have your own biological child, but if it's not possible there are thousands of children waiting for loving homes. Seems to me if a person really loves children that much, he/she would step up and agree to adopt one of these children. Sure, it's not your own flesh and blood, but flesh and blood nonetheless that needs love, nurturing and respect. I've never had any children, and I don't regret it. Not that I'm selfish and never wanted any. I never married and did not believe in having a child out of wedlock, but that's just me. Totally agree (except the part about having a child out of wedlock). I'd add that it is not selfish to not want children. It takes a mature person to recognize, "hey parenthood is not for me" and not cave in to society's (and sometimes your spouses/partners) pressure that you are somehow less than a real woman if you don't want kids. Since high school, I have put up with people telling me one day I'd want to get married and have kids. I was always adamently against both and guess what? I'm in my 30s and still am not interested in either.
I don't have a maternal bone in my body, I find babies creepy and children gross me out with all their germs and general obnoxiousness (although that could be due to the parenting in NYC!; but even my 7 year old niece gets on my nerves and I only see her once a year). Does that make me selfish? I don't think so; I think it makes me the kind of person who knows parenthood is not a wise decision for her.
. [Edited 3/31/10 6:16am] i think it's so cool you know this about yourself and have accepted it. a lot of people will never understand that and will just say you'll change your mind or that you're selfish which i think is ignorant. why should everyone have kids? why should everyone do anything/everything?? | |
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ZombieKitten said: dancerella said: Ok I know this is a deeply personal topic but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm married but strangely have never felt maternal, however in the past couple of years i've been thinking about it a lot. I'm really torn. Part of me wants to experience this because starting a family would be a beautiful thing but on another hand I think it may not be for me as an artist and just like being free to do whatever,however, whenever. I also lost my only sister a few years ago to an ectopic pregnancy which has left me devastated and turned off to the whole idea. My question to you guys is how many of you don't want children? For those of you that have children, do you think would I seriously regret it later on? For me it's deeper than just not wanting them. I have to deal with the whole ordeal with my sister. I'd love to hear anyone's opinion on the topic. If I decide not to, is it ok? or will people look at me as selfish?
no it's not selfish NOT TO have kids there are few good reasons for having any The only one I can think of is that you know you could raise a good human pretty much any other reason would be selfish
they are unlikely to fill the "void" in you (if you are feeling any such thing) they won't fix any marital issues, though they sure will compound them! as an artist children are an endless source of frustration but on the other hand incredible inspiration I'm not ungrateful to have my 3 guys - they are growing up into amazing and interesting people with so much to give - I know I've done a pretty good job so far, but I still have fears that things I do damage them (psychological issues etc, blamed on their up-bringing etc) motherhood has robbed me of my previous identity (which I can't even remember now) and my new one ("mummy" "servant" "slave" "angry all the time person" etc) doesn't sit so well with me I don't really like who I've become
I never really thought about having kids, never WANTED it so much as always assumed one day I just would, later. I just happened to hook with a guy who was crazy for babies and gave in to his enthusiasm without so much considering what I thought. AND NOT JUST ONCE, but 3 times
I could go on and on You know that you are a good mother. I am sure you are, simply because of what I read about how you bring them up, how you treat them and all that. Not everyone can say that about themselves, so be proud of having three beautiful, healthy children and the opportunity to share love and experience. You definitely should like who you have become |
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MrsMdiver said: paintedlady said: I wish more people did.
Dancerella, do what your heart wants and your head will follow. "The right thing" to do is what ever you make it.Good advice. I must add that I am still not a baby/kid person. I love my own but we were in the store the other day and a kid was screaming. It drove me insane. I can only tolerate my own. It is different when it is your own. so that saying is true?? | |
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dancerella said: MrsMdiver said: Good advice. I must add that I am still not a baby/kid person. I love my own but we were in the store the other day and a kid was screaming. It drove me insane. I can only tolerate my own. It is different when it is your own. so that saying is true??
I sooo thought "they" were lying to me but it is true. | |
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Vendetta1 said: Before I had kids, I did not like kids at all. My children have taught me strength, patience and courage BUT:
I never had any mothering instincts or yearning to be a mother. I still believe to this day that I am not the type of person that should have ever had kids. I find myself wondering if I should have given them up for adoption. I think people really should search their souls before having kids. Can you stand constant crying or having to take off work at a moment's notice if you have a sick kid? What about a worst case scenario with your child being born with a disability? I don't want anyone having the regrets that I have. you're so brave to admit that. this scares me too. if you're not born with maternal instincts should that be over looked and tried out anyway?? i also don't have much patience with kids. i teach very young children and they get on my nerves. that are so desperate for attention all the time it drives me nuts. i don't want to look back on my life with regrets so this will probably be the hardest decision i've ever made and then i have to deal with it. i told my husband i would make a decision by the end of the year either way and have even begun seeing a counselor to help me. | |
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jone70 said: dancerella said: I really respect your honesty. Some of the things you mentioned are some of the fears i have. As an artist I am afraid of giving up what I love to do. I can't even really function if I can't dance or choreograph. Kids are a handful. I need to figure if motherhood is truly something i want or not. Maybe you could be a Big Sister or volunteer at a school or an after-school tutoring program -- that type of thing. You would still have the opportunity to make a positive impact on a child's life and not have to deal with all the other stuff you're not sure about (to put it bluntly). It also might help you clarify what you really want. That's a good idea. Maybe having a bond with a child and really seeing if i'm cut out for motherhood before doing it. | |
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jone70 said: dancerella said: I really respect your honesty. Some of the things you mentioned are some of the fears i have. As an artist I am afraid of giving up what I love to do. I can't even really function if I can't dance or choreograph. Kids are a handful. I need to figure if motherhood is truly something i want or not. Maybe you could be a Big Sister or volunteer at a school or an after-school tutoring program -- that type of thing. You would still have the opportunity to make a positive impact on a child's life and not have to deal with all the other stuff you're not sure about (to put it bluntly). It also might help you clarify what you really want. I was thinking the same thing. Or maybe try to foster a child first. That would really be a learning experience. | |
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dancerella said: ZombieKitten said: no it's not selfish NOT TO have kids there are few good reasons for having any The only one I can think of is that you know you could raise a good human pretty much any other reason would be selfish
they are unlikely to fill the "void" in you (if you are feeling any such thing) they won't fix any marital issues, though they sure will compound them! as an artist children are an endless source of frustration but on the other hand incredible inspiration I'm not ungrateful to have my 3 guys - they are growing up into amazing and interesting people with so much to give - I know I've done a pretty good job so far, but I still have fears that things I do damage them (psychological issues etc, blamed on their up-bringing etc) motherhood has robbed me of my previous identity (which I can't even remember now) and my new one ("mummy" "servant" "slave" "angry all the time person" etc) doesn't sit so well with me I don't really like who I've become
I never really thought about having kids, never WANTED it so much as always assumed one day I just would, later. I just happened to hook with a guy who was crazy for babies and gave in to his enthusiasm without so much considering what I thought. AND NOT JUST ONCE, but 3 times
I could go on and on I really respect your honesty. Some of the things you mentioned are some of the fears i have. As an artist I am afraid of giving up what I love to do. I can't even really function if I can't dance or choreograph. Kids are a handful. I need to figure if motherhood is truly something i want or not. I can totally understand this because I have been a dancer my whole life up until a couple of years ago when I was forced to quit because of a bad injury and then a chronic health problem. Up until then, dancing was ALWAYS my excuse not to have kids becuse I just couldn't imagine giving that up, even though almost all my dance colleagues had kids and went on to still perform afterward. Now that I haven't danced in two years (save for the odd class here and there) it's really not my excuse anymore for not wanting kids.  Which forced me to the conclusion that it's something else that is the reason it hasn't happened yet.  I know now that dance is not a reason to not have kids because I've seen almost all of my dance friends do it and come back even stronger. So sorry to hear about your sister as well. "I saw a woman with major Hammer pants on the subway a few weeks ago and totally thought of you." - sextonseven | |
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minneapolisgenius said: dancerella said: I really respect your honesty. Some of the things you mentioned are some of the fears i have. As an artist I am afraid of giving up what I love to do. I can't even really function if I can't dance or choreograph. Kids are a handful. I need to figure if motherhood is truly something i want or not. I can totally understand this because I have been a dancer my whole life up until a couple of years ago when I was forced to quit because of a bad injury and then a chronic health problem. Up until then, dancing was ALWAYS my excuse not to have kids becuse I just couldn't imagine giving that up, even though almost all my dance colleagues had kids and went on to still perform afterward. Now that I haven't danced in two years (save for the odd class here and there) it's really not my excuse anymore for not wanting kids. Which forced me to the conclusion that it's something else that is the reason it hasn't happened yet. I know now that dance is not a reason to not have kids because I've seen almost all of my dance friends do it and come back even stronger. So sorry to hear about your sister as well. Cool another dancer! Yeah I always thought if I had kids my life as a dancer may be over but I know a girl same age as me who had her 1st child last summer who is also a dancer/instructor and is still dancing. She said it's definitely possible so that's good for me to see. I appreciate your input. I pray I figure this out fairly soon because I literally agonize over this almost everyday. I'm driving myself insane. I'm thinking if it just doesn't happen within the next 2 1/2 years I need to just accept it and let it go some how. | |
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KeithyT said: I've just turned 39 and recently had a similar conversation with my wife (soon to be 35). I'm definitely having some sort of mid-life crisis and have all sorts of stupid shit going on in my head at the moment. My wife has never wanted children and still does not, is definitely not going to change her mind. This had never been an issue for me, every now and again we would mention it as people around us started families but we have both been 100% honest and agreed it was not for us.
BUT I recently began believing that I really do want them after all (all brought on by ageing and losing family members that meant so much linked in to childhood memories etc etc.) so I told her and the convo did not go well understandably. It nearly destroyed her to know I was thinking this, and she has told me in no uncertain terms that if I do then it won't be with her. All very upsetting as we have been together 13 years, married for 7 and love each other. Although we are OK now having discussed it round and round. I don't think I necessarily backed down but acknowledged that my thoughts were ultimately wrapped up in the dreaded mid-life crisis. I'm very scared that if I decide I really do want kids then our marriage is over. Not sure how relevant that is to your situation, but it illustrates how there are no hard and fast rules in life, love, relationships and/or whether you should have a family. It is kind of expected still if you are married (family and peer pressure can have a bearing but should not make you decide just cos it's the done thing). As others have said only you really know what you want. [Edited 3/31/10 4:28am] seems that i was busy doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before   | |
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This has probably already been said (I've not read all the responses here), but there is NOTHING wrong with choosing not to have children. Even if you make that choice for selfish reasons, it's a whole lot better than having the kid out of some sense of obligation, resenting it for the rest of your life and potentially adversely effecting the lives of all parties involved.
I have one daughter, and before having her I had no real designs or need to have a kid. In retrospect, she's been an extraordinary blessing to me, but I don't doubt an adopted child, a fostered child or, heck, even just a little kid for whom you become a close mentor/role model/"aunt" or "big sister" could afford you the same enrichment... and, believe me, you could definitely offer something positive to the lives of the countless needy children already living. Do some more soul searching, but don't let guilt be your driving motivator in any direction. [Edited 3/31/10 15:03pm] Ὅσον ζῇς φαίνου
μηδὲν ὅλως σὺ λυποῦ πρὸς ὀλίγον ἐστὶ τὸ ζῆν τὸ τέλος ὁ χρόνος ἀπαιτεῖ.” | |
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Dave1992 said: ZombieKitten said: no it's not selfish NOT TO have kids there are few good reasons for having any The only one I can think of is that you know you could raise a good human pretty much any other reason would be selfish
they are unlikely to fill the "void" in you (if you are feeling any such thing) they won't fix any marital issues, though they sure will compound them! as an artist children are an endless source of frustration but on the other hand incredible inspiration I'm not ungrateful to have my 3 guys - they are growing up into amazing and interesting people with so much to give - I know I've done a pretty good job so far, but I still have fears that things I do damage them (psychological issues etc, blamed on their up-bringing etc) motherhood has robbed me of my previous identity (which I can't even remember now) and my new one ("mummy" "servant" "slave" "angry all the time person" etc) doesn't sit so well with me I don't really like who I've become
I never really thought about having kids, never WANTED it so much as always assumed one day I just would, later. I just happened to hook with a guy who was crazy for babies and gave in to his enthusiasm without so much considering what I thought. AND NOT JUST ONCE, but 3 times
I could go on and on You know that you are a good mother. I am sure you are, simply because of what I read about how you bring them up, how you treat them and all that. Not everyone can say that about themselves, so be proud of having three beautiful, healthy children and the opportunity to share love and experience. You definitely should like who you have become 
I never knew I had an inner fishwife! thanks Dave, now go to bed!  | |
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I can understand what you are saying, and at the end it’s your decision, but I support breeding very much, it’s a wonderful feeling to have a big family, beautiful children who will take care of you when you get old, where you can count on them if you were ill and lonely, I come from a big family, I have 7 sisters and 2 brothers ,and I appreciate the family values very much, If I was in trouble or ill or lonely , I will find someone who will take care of me and cry on their shoulders , friends are not always there . Period, they have their lives, their problems, they are not always there, people marry to have children and build a family, I love my family very much.
If you really want to experience to have kids then do it, being an artist doesn’t prevent you from having kids, there are a lot of people who are artists but still have kids, that’s not an excuse . I’m sorry because of what happened to your sister , I feel your pain , but Just because that happened to your sister doesn’t mean that It will happen to you , please don’t think that way, you have to be optimistic about the future if you want to have kids.
Hon, I’m not trying to convince you in anyway, at the end, I’m ignorant about your whole situation, this is all your personal decision, having children is a big thing, a big responsibility but still a beautiful and important thing especially for the married couple. MICHAEL JACKSON
R.I.P مايكل جاكسون للأبد 1958 | |
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ZombieKitten said: Dave1992 said: You know that you are a good mother. I am sure you are, simply because of what I read about how you bring them up, how you treat them and all that. Not everyone can say that about themselves, so be proud of having three beautiful, healthy children and the opportunity to share love and experience. You definitely should like who you have become
I never knew I had an inner fishwife! thanks Dave, now go to bed!  |
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all i can say is
do what feels right for you.. i would say until you know without question that you want to have a baby.. wait..and if you don't, then you don't and yes you'll get pressure from people they just wont understand i've just recently gone thru some stuff related to this baby thing... i just turned 41, and i know for sure i can't handle and don't want to have another.. now some here know to what i am referring  'why y'all trying to say goodbye? I didn't go anywhere, I'm right here, im all around you,always..'
in a line from my dream, I heard a voice and saw a silhouette in a chair.. | |
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MrsMdiver said: paintedlady said: I am so sorry for what happened to you sister and the loss your family suffered, but please do NOT let fear guide your decision.
I am a single mother of three... I have seen many women have their children just for the sake of having children, some married and some not, just like me. Its just like marriage. Some women get caught up in the thoughts of that "baby smell" and baby booties" just like they get caught up on having a big home, a dig diamond ring and a good looking hubby.... well, children grow up and become teenagers. How much time to you have to devote to someone else? I devote all of me to my kids with out hesitation, and its hard but it taught me compassion, patience, how to be more responsible .... but you can learn all these things with out having a child. All you need is a heart that's willing to serve/help others. There is NOTHING selfish about knowing that you are not cut out for motherhood. I applaud you for your wisdom. You see, I have a sister that has three kids that she neglected. Her eldest is now a stripper and I love my niece dearly, she is a wonderful girl that took a wrong turn in life because her mom has ambitions that don't include showing her daughter enough love. These things can happen when you really didn't want kids in the first place. Kids know and feel if they are wanted or not... they just know and they can become resentful and bitter adults if the situation isn't fixed. Live a happy life, what ever that is to you and your husband. I said this before, any home can be full of love and happiness with or without children. Children do not guarantee you being a "good person" or happiness. That being said, I had my first child too young, I had two more and can say that they are the best thing that has happened to my entire family. Because they are good little people full of love and compassion. Even the teen inspires people where ever he goes. I am blessed for that, I can not imagine being the person I am without them. They are wonderful. They were wanted by me. I want them everyday, and because of that, I enjoy their company everyday.
[Edited 3/31/10 6:29am] Agreed. My parents were not ready or in a good place within themselves to have children. Thankfully they stopped and only had one. They hated one another and resented having me. It is no way for a child to grow up. I vowed that I would never do that. I am glad that I learned from their mistakes. [Edited 3/31/10 6:34am] That's really sad. I don't mind children but some of them irritate the living hell out of me, that I want to snatch them and beat their asses. I always sort of pictured myself being alone and wealthy.  Who knows? Maybe I'll changed but in all honesty, I don't want anyone tying me down and if I have children I don't want them to be raised the way I was (it wasn't bad but it's no fun being poor and being raised by a single mother with the help of a grandparent for most of your life).[Edited 3/31/10 21:24pm] | |
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