Has anyone got any advice for me?

I have had a nearly 2 year break from my partner and things were getting rough at the end there and we broke it off but left the door open to try again later when the time is right. Well the time is right now, and we are both excited to give it another shot. I am excited but also nervous. I don't want to fall into the same habits as before, I want it to be a truly new start. Has anyone been through this? Any tips or stories?
[Edited 1/19/10 20:21pm]

has there been actual positive change in the areas that were harming your relationship before? if not, do NOT attempt it.

evenstar3 said:

Thanks. Its hard to know, we have been apart for almost 2 years. I can speak for myself... Unless we give it a try, we won't know I guess..

Thanks Evenstar

I did second and third and forth, etc with my boyfriend for 10 years.

The final shot was the one I shot into his head.











Just kidding! I didn't kill him.

But in the end, it didn't work out.

funkylust said:

that's the thing- it isn't worth it to try at all, imo, if you can't see that for certain. you'll only end up damaging each other.

Oh, and if there's jealousy issues at all that you're not willing to overcome, just forget it.
[Edited 1/19/10 22:55pm]

define rough?

Ugh! This has never happened to me because my wife and I have fairly worn each other down to the point of being incapable of leaving, but I've seen it happen to ppl close to me. Really, a lot needs to have changed, I think, to even think about doing it all over again. Have you seen other people during the 2 year break?

lazycrockett said:

Rough. We were heading towards a nasty breakup unless we called it early and decided to take a break..

Fauxie said:

My partner has been seeing people and I have tried but my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't get with someone else. I need to see this one through. We have both decided not see anyone else and give it a go. I know you have to be sure and I am sure I want to give it my best shot. There are no guarantees though.

funkylust said:

stop right there...you haven't seriously dated or slept with anyone in 2 years but the other person has been? noooo, fuck that. that's unhealthy.

evenstar3 said:

Yeah, I must admit I thought the same after reading that, which is why I asked the question out of a suspicion that may be the case. Not to rain on anyone's parade (or be so presumptuous to think I even could), but that starts alarm bells ringing to me. Take good care, funkylust.

Fauxie said:

sometimes people need their parade rained on! not trying to be mean, funkylust, but this is stuff you should seriously consider.

Fauxie said:

Why is that unhealthy? Because he didn't see anyone else?

JustErin said:

for two years, while the other person WAS seeing other people? yeah, that's unhealthy to me...mainly because it was so long.

evenstar3 said:

I have had a couple of things happen but nothing to talk about. Yeah i know its unhealthy you don't have to tell me. Anyway, lets see what happens huh.

Fauxie said:

Thanks Fauxie

evenstar3 said:

I just don't get how her seeing other people and coming back for another try is unhealthy.

evenstar3 said:

Hey you could be right, and I am prepared for it to go either way. But I will never know unless I give it a shot. Thats what my heart and my gut tells me to do. It could also work out and be great. I will get back to you in 12 months and we will see.

JustErin said:

it's just the imbalance...if both people hadn't been seeing anyone else, or if they both had been seeing other people during the 2 years, it'd make more sense to me.

evenstar3 said:

I get it.

JustErin said:

Thanks Erin, I don't see how following my heart and my gut instinct could ever be unhealthy. Like I said, there are no guarantees, but sometimes good things are worth fighting for.

funkylust said:

It CAN be unhealthy. That's all I'm saying...there's factors you've mentioned here that kinda indicate that might be the case. You're not sure if there's been any positive change in regards to the issues that made you break up, and this person's been out seeing other people while you haven't? I dunno.

evenstar3 said:

Point taken.

evenstar3 said:

It suggests not moving on, waiting around, which could make someone vulnerable.

I have heard of folks taking a break and it working out well for them, but I've never experienced or witnessed it.

I only ever tried again with one partner (and we'd split very amicably), but it was unsurprisingly much the same as before, so we split amicably once more. I guess what I'm saying is that in my experience, people don't change much.

If the cirmcumstances were the source of the problem and they have changed, then it could well be worth a shot. Good luck whatever you decide.

vivid said:

Thanks. Yeah I believe the circumstances have changed for the better and I think its definitely worth a shot. Thanks!

Hi...
I just woke up, and after reading this thread, this is what I think:

It's unhealthy if one person has been holding a torch for the other person HOPING to get another chance, while the other person moved on.
But if he/she hasn't met anyone else that he/she felt like being with in the meantime, then so be it. It happens.
But have you been in touch/maintained a friendship the whole time during the 2 years, and talked about possibly getting together during that time?
Since you both happen to be in a place to try again, why not? If it doesn't work out this time, you need to move on....

Something to consider: don't only remember the good things about the prior relationship. Be realistic about why you broke up in the first place. Don't let loneliness drive you.

chocolate1 said:

Thanks I appreciate that. Yes there was a time I thought it was over for good and I am prepared to move on if it doesn't work out after this 2nd shot. We have talked alot about it and we both want to give it another shot. We were both in different places 2 years ago. I agree though, I am going to be realistic. Thanks again!

funkylust said:

Good luck!

funkylust said:

oh lawd, Imma give my two cents on this shit.

One of my exes and I broke up and got back together several times. And always, you fall back into your same old patterns eventually. I never worked. I finally left feeling like a failure.

One of my other exes after that fell back into his old patterns of douchbaggery, and it fell apart from there. I wish I was just brave enough to open my eyes and see what was happening, because in the end, it was expensive and a complete waste of both our times.

People seem to have patterns they fall back into before they finally get it right, if they ever do.

Unless something remarkable changed in your life, or you've matured to the point of obvious and dramatic changes....IN ADDITION TO dramatic changes in the circumstances that came between you, it'll fail.


One thing I've learned. Innocence is lost. You'd be a fool to completely trust the person again.