I'm ashamed to say my sister is dating a racist.

I'm about ready to explode. Why is she dating this guy?

I'm about ready to tell the guy to shut the f**k up, but my sister would disown me. I'm already the weird one of the family!

What am I going to do?? Is there a way to handle this, yet keep family peace.

The next time we see them is Thanksgiving. I'm telling you, one more friggin comment--just one... That's it. I'm gonna tell him I'm personally offended by his remarks, and I simply cannot tolerate it anymore.

What I do not understand is why the hell she can't tell him that?? My sister is no friggin racist. Why the hell is she dating this guy?

Thoughts? Have any of you ever encountered this situation? It's just really frustrating.. Like today... I just changed the subject, but I feel like such a wimp. I can't take it... I'm going to EXPLODE!

I'm going to say something; that's how I am. I've tried to politely change the subject... it doesn't work.

Ok.... the guy was constantly talking politics, too. Obviously, he is not Obama's friend on many levels? And he friggin KNOWS we are liberals. How rude is that? Anyway, you know what I said? I said, he should just go on ahead and run for office if he thinks he could do a better job! Oh... and he was talking about Glen Beck... I told him Glen Beck was a nutcase all the way back when he was on CNN. Glen Beck is all about the money..

Anyway, he brings up politics again... today? And you know what I said? I said, I don't want to talk about politics anymore, period. Then I told my sister I told him I didn't want to talk about politics anymore.

This is a NIGHTMARE! Really... You have no idea! I'm not even kidding you guys. This is no joke.

I cannot even believe this. My sister?? I don't get it... and I'm the weird one.. Go figure...

I think you should open up a good conversation with him and let him know how you really feel. If it's bothering you that much get it off your chest !
[Edited 10/26/09 6:46am]

Dayclear said:

Thanks... I think that's great advice.

I'm in a state of shock right now.

I have to do something. I have to be true to myself.

You know what? Maybe I should write a letter to my sister, telling her how much this upsets me? It's not like I don't want to spend time with her or him.. I guess.... if this is the type of guy she chooses to associate with.

At the same time.. a lot of the stuff he says makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm just afraid that she's going to get all defensive..
[Edited 10/25/09 16:33pm]

Anybody else thinks he's a racist?

Looks like you're having a bad day. Here's a for ya

PANDURITO said:

Believe me.. there is not doubt the guy is a racist, homophobe the stuff he says. I'm not going to even repeat it.

I'm the only liberal from a conservative family. I think my family is racist to a certain degree.. if the truth be told. And even if they weren't,it's like he's a guest, so I have to be polite to him regardless of the assine things he says.

I'm telling ya... it's like if I confront the guy.. I'm the one at fault. Even my partner says I should ignore him--although after today.. my partner had about enough of him, too! The thing is it's my side of the family..

It's just a weird dynamic.

I've already said something... not to him but to my family, and I get.. "Don't start anything." This is what I'm saying.

We don't see them all the time.. so... I guess I could ignore it. But it's so hard. It really is... And I feel like such a coward because in most cases, I'm not a coward.

The dynamic is so.. unbearable. I'm glad I'm a grown-up, so I don't HAVE to deal with it all the time...just on occasion. But then again... I just cannot believe this guy says such things.
[Edited 10/25/09 16:48pm]

luv4u said:

Truer words were never spoken. It's a problem. It just is...

It's like I'm living in this alternate universe reality where denial rules--evident in comments like "He's just like that," blah, blah blah... Or... "he doesn't mean anything by it.."

Then why the holy hell does he say it?

How can a person be a "nice" guy when he spews so much bs? It's very difficult to look the other way, but this is what I'm being asked to do for the sake of the family or her!

I mean... I love my sister.. I don't want to hurt my sister. But this guy offends me. And she knows he offends me with his views. But yet, I'm the one expected to "be polite," nevermind he's not polite at all.



I'm telling ya'll, I'm very upset.. It's more of a big deal than it seems because my sister is the type who holds grudges. You don't argue with my sister. I'm expected to just deal with it.

I know it might not seem like much to you all. But I can't take it anymore.. I'm ready to take a stand even though I might not ever be welcomed by my sister. I would be like this family feud. I'm serious.
[Edited 10/25/09 17:00pm]

Fuck that!! I'd call him out on every damn racist bit of crap he spews... be polite to a racist...

You say YOU don't want to hurt your Sister and I can respect that, but would you rather that SHE gets hurt by this racist homophobe???

Family is family and I can't see why the rest of your family is "sheltering" this guy...

Call him out, give him a factual beat-down but whatever you do, don't just stand by and watch your sister catch feelings for this bastard!

RenHoek said:

Agreed

deadmansbones said:

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"-Edmund Burke

IMO you can call him out all day long but you will never change his mind... These kind of people cannot carry on a decent conversation let alone understand anything you will try to tell him...

If it were me, i would let my sister know privately how you feel about him and his remarks... To do so in front of her and your family will cause hard feelings because you "caused a scene". she may be blinded by love at this point and will protect him...

I think your best response would be to just ignore the ignorance he spews... Im not saying be polite in anyway what so ever but you will get nowhere with him no matter what you say... Once he starts saying shit, tell him you are offended by his remarks and walk away.. What good is it going to do by you going off on him other than working yourself into a frenzy, It wont change him, you should be the bigger "man" and not play into his game...Half the time thats what these kind of people want is confrontation...

If it continues i would refuse to attend any family gathering he comes to... Hopefully your sister will open her eyes soon and see him for what he is...

I don't mean to diss your sister, but if she knows he's a racist and she tolerates it it's just as bad.
My mother in law did not speak to me for nearly a year because I called her out on having a racist friend I would NOT have in our home.

It is what it is.

tinaz said:

Thanks to all for your comments. I guess you could tell I am really upset and confused.

Yeah.. My sister is the type who just says," Fine.. you don't like so and so, then we won't come around you all anymore." So upon further consideration, I'm not so sure writing a letter to her or talking to her privately is gonna do much good. I'm just saying it's a weird dynamic. I wish I were brave enough to alienate my family--even though I think sometimes... well it's a toxic relationship anyway! But I can't.. In spite of their faults, I love my family... I can't just walk away. Like I said, I'm an adult. It's not like I live at home, having to put-up with this stuff.

I was thinking--after reading what you all had to say--this is what I'm gonna do. The next time we see them... which will be Thanksgiving, if this guy starts talking racist and/or homophobic smack, I'm going to say, "Why do you have this hatred against... whomever? I'm going to ask him upfront! Then let the convo go from there.

I'd really like to know what anyone has ever done to this guy--directly or indirectly to make him have such feelings.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I had just gotten home then decided to log on here because I was bummed, and I know you all talk about a lot of things...
[Edited 10/25/09 18:26pm]

talk to your sister. give her specific examples of things he has said.

Suggest she talk to the fella let her know that the next time you will say something you are not going to stand for it. I have found most people that say stuff like that are cowards. I have a feeling he will clam up and mend his ways.

Then talk to your sister. Ask do you want your kids to be like that?

And the other thing I have noticed, guys that talk that kind of mess, like to get physical with their women.

But talk to her give her examples. If he says anything let him know. Even if it ruins one thanksgiving, that is better than the next 30.

deadmansbones said:

tinaz said:

Thanks. I'll be Ok.

deadmansbones said:

I know you will... Ima hug you anyway!

OnlyNDaUsa said:

Yeah... I cannot even believe she's with this guy...

But my sister.. well she doesn't really listen to me because I'm the weird one of the family. She doesn't respect me, I don't think.

Believe it or not, that's fine with me. I don't need her respect. But I just cannot....make a complete break from my family. Like I said, it's not like we see them all the time. The came to visit for the weekend! My partner was out-of-town, so I had to be by myself with them for a while!

He got back Saturday and was sort of a buffer! Oh..man.. I tell ya what.
But even he had enough of this guy's bs! The thing is though, I think he was afraid of offending me and my sister...

Ah man... it's such a mess.

xlr8r said:

RenHoek said:

Well, the best I can do is to turn it around on the guy, asking him.. exactly why he has this hate... or what has anyone ever done to him.

I'd really like to know..

I'll do my best... I agree the worst is to do nothing at all. I can't just do nothing.

your sister's boyfriend white or black?

my sister dated losers before too (drug dealers, cheaters, etc.)

once she went out with a racist black dude.....i think she was just curious though because she broke up with him after about 3 months

japanrocks said:

White.. And she's been dating him for over a year. That's why I said, I can't take it anymore. And he's not a drug dealer, but he is a right-wing nutcase.

It's sad. I mean.. I don't see her as often as I could because I can't stand being around him. That's just it, I don't have to tolerate it. But the price I pay is not seeing my sister, too--and then avoiding other situations where he's gonna be there. Plus, I can't invite them to parties and stuff because of HIS views. I'm not going to risk my friends being offended. So in an indirect way, I've already made a choice. I'm just not going to burn bridges.

I do not want to alienate my sister. I want to keep that door open. However, if he starts this bs again, I am going to ask him why he feels that way.. and put it out there for his consumption that we do not feel that way at all. And if continues to bash people... well... I guess I'll only see him on holidays--when we HAVE TO.

I will never invite them to our home EXCEPT out of consideration for my sister--nothing more. It's not like she will be able to share my life...

And that's so sad, I think.

deadmansbones said:

It's all ignorance. Fear of the unknown. He seems like he obviously accepts "stereotypical assumptions" from what he gets from some of the media jackasses that spin their racist bs all day or the false bs crap he gets from others. He seems to be more comfortable with the stereotypical crap, and not ready to accept the people he hates in a "positive" light, because he just doesn't want to, although he knows they exist. Whether he hates those of other races or is homophobic, those people he hates have as much right to be on this earth as he does.

Many racists are more comfortable accepting those they hate in a negative light or believing only people from specific groups are all "bad elements" in society, because it makes their ego feel a bit more "comfortable". He's the one with the problem not you, and I'm sure your sister is fully aware of how hateful/racist this guy is. All his racial hatred will not make the people he hates disappear from the face of the earth. So he can go ahead and "hate on" and let his own racial hatred gnaw away at his skin and give him high blood pressure.

Furthermore, all humans come from various elements of society from bad to good, along with various, social and economic backgrounds, so there is no "skin color" or "gender" requiremen, as to who could be a criminal, drug dealer, child molester, rapist, thief, etc.. Only those who assume that there is, is living in a state of denial, and only want to believe that people from "specific" groups, are the ones committing crimes, when any intelligent individual would know that they do not.

Especially in this country. If they know anything about the history of America, it became what it is based on racial hatred and violence. A bloody history to boot. So maybe someone needs to remind your twisted brother-in-law about that.
[Edited 10/26/09 7:10am]

deadmansbones said:

yeah it is sad.....well, just try to do things with her only and use some excuse if she asks why - and perhaps she will realize

First of all, who is this partner you are referring to? Is he a business partner, a friend, or someone you are involved with in a gay relationship? The reason I ask is because I noticed you said he was making homophobic remarks also. The racist comments are just as horrible but if you are gay and he is making these homophobic remarks in your face, then he is trying to openly disrespect you to your face in front of your family.

I notice you said that you believe your family may be racist to an extent so if you jump on him about the racist remarks, they will probably back him up. But if you are gay and he's making these homophobic remarks in your face in front of everyone, there's your reason for getting on his ass and you should go after him with both barrels and don't hold anything back. And if your family or sister say anything about it, you tell them that you're not about to let some motherfucker attack you personally in your home in front of your own family. Turn it into a personal attack, because in a way it is, and if they don't support you for taking up for yourself, then you don't need them.

vainandy said:

I use partner for my "husband." I already explained this in another thread as to why. I'm not gay, but should that really matter? I don't like the guy's remarks about a lot of things. He's an asshole, period. And really I don't understand why he feels compelled to share his opinions when all it's gonna do is create tension. My sister already told him where we stood, apparently, yet he didn't care. That's the reason he's an rude asshole because he insist upon stirring the pot.

I'll take care of it. In a way, I already have. Life is too short to be walking on eggshells. And if I have to limit my involvement with my sis and her friend (god forbid he becomes my brother-in-law) then..that's exactly what I'll do.

And when I do see him again, I will remind him not all white, heterosexuals agree with his views, but I have a feeling he already knows that. It's just that I haven't dealt with it before except to change the subject or just avoid them altogether.

I probably shouldn't have even started this thread. But I was so po'd last night. And you guys seem to help each other out.. So.. I vented.

Big mistake, I guess.

Anyway, thanks again for all of your input.

2elijah said:

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. Yeah.. that dude is just a jerk--or let's say I can't stand being around him. If my sis and my family want to entertain his delusions then that's their choice. I don't have to put up with it and won't except when I am forced to.

Maybe one day my sister and I can have a convo about it?

Great post though.. thanks.

No, it doesn't matter. I only asked because I was trying to see if he was trying to attack you personally on the sly in front of your whole family and if that had been the case, that would have been a different way of skinning the cat rather than pissing your sister off.

Don't say anything to him though about "why are you this way" or "why do you hate different people" because you're not going to change him and he would just think it's funny and turn it into a joke. Instead, just say to your sister right there in front of everyone...."Where did you find this damn redneck? You're a beautiful woman and I know you're not desperate so why are you slumming these days? Honey, place him in a can and put his ass out at the end of the driveway for the garbage truck to pick up because he's trash."....And when he jumps up to say something about it, then you say...."Shut up trash. You just hate black folks because you think they all got big dicks and you're jealous because all you've got is a little jalapeno pepper that ain't even got no spice to it. And you also hate homosexuals because you think they are all size queens and you know that your little teenie weenie would never satisfy them". Oh honey, it would take me to tell his ass off. I'd send that bastard out of there crying when I got finished with him.
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[Edited 10/26/09 8:49am]

deadmansbones said:

She has to see it for herself "clearly". Maybe her love for him has her "clouded". There's really not much you can do, she'll have to make the decision whether she wants to stay with this guy forever. If he's poisoning her mind like that, then imagine what he can do to his kids' minds? This is something your sis has to work out for herself, although it doesn't mean you have to put up with her husband's beliefs. Maybe one day, when you and your sister can sit alone and talk, you can let her know your true feelings of him, but the bottom line is, it is her life with him, and it has to be up to her whether she wants to stay with him or not, as it is her life.

vainandy said:

Yeah, you're right about this.

Well an update... my sis sent me a nice little email thank you card. She said she really enjoyed spending time me. So I said, maybe we could go shopping sometime or get together just us... like take a trip together. Maybe I can figure-out a way to say something, but at the same time not offend her. She's my main concern. She's the only sister I have, after all.

Thanks for your insight because for sure, you have a point.