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PrintableI have dealt with the opposite for many years. Many of my in-laws are very prejudice. I have gotten to the point where I just walk away rather than starting an argument. If I challenge someone on their views, I am the asshole.
The one time when I didn't walk away was when everyone came to my home a couple of years ago at Christmas time. One of my in-laws was railing against the black homeowner next door who asked him not to smoke on his property. As my in-law's rant grew more hostile, I essentially told him that those views weren't accepted in my apartment and he shut up. Interestingly enough, many of my in-laws, including the aforementioned one, are relatively fond of President Obama. I abdicated the throne in Ithaca, but now I am...
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xlr8r said: deadmansbones said: I'm about ready to tell the guy to shut the f**k up, but my sister would disown me. I'm already the weird one of the family!
What am I going to do?? Is there a way to handle this, yet keep family peace. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"-Edmund Burke  | |
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tinaz said: IMO you can call him out all day long but you will never change his mind... These kind of people cannot carry on a decent conversation let alone understand anything you will try to tell him...
If it were me, i would let my sister know privately how you feel about him and his remarks... To do so in front of her and your family will cause hard feelings because you "caused a scene". she may be blinded by love at this point and will protect him... I think your best response would be to just ignore the ignorance he spews... Im not saying be polite in anyway what so ever but you will get nowhere with him no matter what you say... Once he starts saying shit, tell him you are offended by his remarks and walk away.. What good is it going to do by you going off on him other than working yourself into a frenzy, It wont change him, you should be the bigger "man" and not play into his game...Half the time thats what these kind of people want is confrontation... If it continues i would refuse to attend any family gathering he comes to... Hopefully your sister will open her eyes soon and see him for what he is... I have to respectfully disagree... my mom is a racist and I make her shut the hell up. Why because she makes herself look bad and makes others feel worse in her company. She deserves the humiliation. She has since then stopped saying such dumb things. Its not about who can be changed, its about respect. A racist will stay a racist, but let him keep that crap to himself. If someone disrespects you then you should let them know even if you have to do it in an abrasive way. No sense in "tip toe-ing" around the subject. She may not have to cuss him out, but she better damn well speak up or he will continue because he has been ALLOWED to do so. Are you sure your sister doesn't agree with his political/social POVs?? Ask her about that, no women will be with a man that she has absolutely nothing in common with (in a serious relationship that is). Ask her how she feels about her man. She isn't stupid and maybe just doesn't think him saying these things are a big deal. | |
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japanrocks said: your sister's boyfriend white or black?
my sister dated losers before too (drug dealers, cheaters, etc.) once she went out with a racist black dude.....i think she was just curious though because she broke up with him after about 3 months You have a black sister?  If she isn't black and a black man is dating her (digging her ) then he can't be racist now can he? Unless you're calling him a racist because he didn't like you.... 
You can't call him racist because you two didn't get along. Most men don't like the dudes their sisters bring home. That's just and across the board thing of ALL races, all men tend to be protective of their sisters/mothers/daughters. You and dude probably weren't gonna like each other anyways even if he was white. 
spelling edit [Edited 10/26/09 16:22pm] | |
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I think the way to deal with this guy, if you are not confident or sure whether or not to call him out on his bull is when he is spouting all of his shit, bring your parents and your sister in on it - if he makes some racist comment, just turn to your sister and say 'Sis, what you think of what insert assholes name said?' It might make her realise that what he is chatting is bollocks, cause sometimes people just sit back and block out on hearing what they want to ignore if they are not required to say anything - also letting him rant on and on just gives him a platform.
If she agrees with him, then you have a whole nother problem but if she doesn't agree that that puts him on the spot and it might make her realise this guy is a penis! Hope things get better for you real soon. "I know that living with u baby, was sometimes hard...but I'm willing 2 give it another try.
Cause nothing compares....nothing compares 2 u!" | |
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Neophyte said: I think the way to deal with this guy, if you are not confident or sure whether or not to call him out on his bull is when he is spouting all of his shit, bring your parents and your sister in on it - if he makes some racist comment, just turn to your sister and say 'Sis, what you think of what insert assholes name said?' It might make her realise that what he is chatting is bollocks, cause sometimes people just sit back and block out on hearing what they want to ignore if they are not required to say anything - also letting him rant on and on just gives him a platform.
If she agrees with him, then you have a whole nother problem but if she doesn't agree that that puts him on the spot and it might make her realise this guy is a penis! Hope things get better for you real soon.  | |
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paintedlady said: japanrocks said: your sister's boyfriend white or black?
my sister dated losers before too (drug dealers, cheaters, etc.) once she went out with a racist black dude.....i think she was just curious though because she broke up with him after about 3 months You have a black sister? If she isn't black and a black man is dating her (digging her ) then he can't be racist now can he? Unless you're calling him a racist because he didn't like you....
You can't call him racist because you two didn't get along. Most men don't like the dudes their sisters bring home. That's just and across the board thing of ALL races, all men tend to be protective of their sisters/mothers/daughters. You and dude probably weren't gonna like each other anyways even if he was white.
spelling edit [Edited 10/26/09 16:22pm] no...my sister is white too....and he is black.....and he is racist against white people | |
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japanrocks said: paintedlady said: You have a black sister? If she isn't black and a black man is dating her (digging her ) then he can't be racist now can he? Unless you're calling him a racist because he didn't like you....
You can't call him racist because you two didn't get along. Most men don't like the dudes their sisters bring home. That's just and across the board thing of ALL races, all men tend to be protective of their sisters/mothers/daughters. You and dude probably weren't gonna like each other anyways even if he was white.
spelling edit [Edited 10/26/09 16:22pm] no...my sister is white too....and he is black.....and he is racist against white people Um... yeah... How can he be racist if he was attracted to your sister? She is white... if the black boyfriend is racist against whites, I don't think he would be attracted to her enough to date her. [Edited 10/26/09 22:34pm] | |
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Neophyte said: I think the way to deal with this guy, if you are not confident or sure whether or not to call him out on his bull is when he is spouting all of his shit, bring your parents and your sister in on it - if he makes some racist comment, just turn to your sister and say 'Sis, what you think of what insert assholes name said?' It might make her realise that what he is chatting is bollocks, cause sometimes people just sit back and block out on hearing what they want to ignore if they are not required to say anything - also letting him rant on and on just gives him a platform.
If she agrees with him, then you have a whole nother problem but if she doesn't agree that that puts him on the spot and it might make her realise this guy is a penis! Hope things get better for you real soon. A racist word has never come-out of my sister's mouth, but then again... I don't know how she feels deep inside. You know, a lot of people say horrible--or at least questionable stuff, but then again, they don't consider themselves racists. That's how my family is.. They say stuff, but don't consider it racist. I consider it racist, but they don't. I am going to follow your advice. I might bring it up to my sister alone, or maybe she might bring it up? That's what I'm hoping. I'm hoping she might sit-down and talk to the guy because really, I think she was embarrassed, too. I could just tell in her email she missed me. And she's never really missed me before!
If the opportunity doesn't present itself with her, I'm just going to tell the guy this is one more thing just to keep to himself. I've thought about it for nearly two days now. And I think I might say something like, "Assholes are born in every color, culture, religion and orientation." So making blanket statements race/culture/religion/orientation isn't really fair or accurate. | |
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paintedlady said: Um... yeah...
How can he be racist if he was attracted to your sister? She is white... if the black boyfriend is racist against whites, I don't think he would be attracted to her enough to date her. - That's a common misconception It can happen and it does; dating out of your race doesn't exempt someone from being racist against that same race they are dating | |
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just because a person is dating a person of another race doesn't mean they are not racist.
In fact some racist date outside their race as a form of domination and as an excuse to be racist, so when they are accused they can say "how can I be racist?" Also think the abuse angle. As people that are verbal a-holes are often physical a-holes too. If he is willing to talk that crap around her family then I have little doubt he is or will become verbally and emotionally abusive and that often leads to physical abuse. "Keep on shilling for Big Pharm!" |
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Mstrustme said: paintedlady said: Um... yeah...
How can he be racist if he was attracted to your sister? She is white... if the black boyfriend is racist against whites, I don't think he would be attracted to her enough to date her. - That's a common misconception It can happen and it does; dating out of your race doesn't exempt someone from being racist against that same race they are dating I disagree, you can fuck anyone... but maintain a relationship? If that's the case then many white people I know can not say they aren't racist then. Many I know say... "I am not a racist ya know, I my kids are 1/2 black" or "My boyfriend is black and I don't hate black people"... so they will vehemently disagree with that theory. Rape is different, so is plain fucking, many people do that for just power. I don't know what type of "dating" you are referring to if that's the case. | |
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OnlyNDaUsa said: just because a person is dating a person of another race doesn't mean they are not racist.
In fact some racist date outside their race as a form of domination and as an excuse to be racist, so when they are accused they can say "how can I be racist?" I am not so sure...is that racism or just plain emotional abuse for power? Most people who have cultural misconceptions about a different race are not necessarily racist, their just ignorant and will adjust thoughts about a certain culture once they are educated. A true racist to me is a "purist" who bases all his actions on fear of what they don't know. They may actually consider physical attributes of a different race "gross" or unattractive to the eye. An abuser will abuse any women/man, because of his/her insecurity...and most abusers want to be the center of the universe to their partner. They will get with any doormat (black, white, yellow,etc.) they can keep their thumb down on. Also think the abuse angle. As people that are verbal a-holes are often physical a-holes too. If he is willing to talk that crap around her family then I have little doubt he is or will become verbally and emotionally abusive and that often leads to physical abuse. ^^^ This point I wholeheartedly agree with.  It is a red flag of physical abuse, to come in the future when the opportunity presents itself. Especially if its coupled by isolation of the one who is being abused.
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paintedlady said: OnlyNDaUsa said: just because a person is dating a person of another race doesn't mean they are not racist.
In fact some racist date outside their race as a form of domination and as an excuse to be racist, so when they are accused they can say "how can I be racist?" I am not so sure...is that racism or just plain emotional abuse for power? Most people who have cultural misconceptions about a different race are not necessarily racist, their just ignorant and will adjust thoughts about a certain culture once they are educated. A true racist to me is a "purist" who bases all his actions on fear of what they don't know. They may actually consider physical attributes of a different race "gross" or unattractive to the eye. An abuser will abuse any women/man, because of his/her insecurity...and most abusers want to be the center of the universe to their partner. They will get with any doormat (black, white, yellow,etc.) they can keep their thumb down on. Also think the abuse angle. As people that are verbal a-holes are often physical a-holes too. If he is willing to talk that crap around her family then I have little doubt he is or will become verbally and emotionally abusive and that often leads to physical abuse. ^^^ This point I wholeheartedly agree with. It is a red flag of physical abuse, to come in the future when the opportunity presents itself. Especially if its coupled by isolation of the one who is being abused.
Interesting points. Would you say racism is just an expression of xenophobia? "...and If all of this Love Talk ends with Prince getting married to someone other than me, all I would like to do is give Prince a life size Purple Fabric Cloud Guitar that I made from a vintage bedspread that I used as a Christmas Tree Skirt." Tame, Feb | |
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I think dating a racist and not only accepting but asking others to accept racism is tacit approval of racism. I also believe that saying or doing nothing in the face of blatant racism is tacit approval. I don't think a person has to make every issue a hill upon which to die, but IMO it's better to at least walk away than to remain and say nothing. It was a big enough issue to me that I walked away from my racist family and never looked back, though to be fair I suppose one could consider it a mutual agreement. That was '86. Racism is toxic to me, and I don't maintain toxic relationships.
I can understand someone not wanting to cut ties with family or even individual members of family. I do think that maintaining integrity is important even if that means nothing more than just walking away and not giving the racist the benefit of an audience. To hell with anyone who would ask you to give up your integrity for the sake of maintaining some pseudo peace to benefit their own personal interests. Murica: at least it's not Sudan. | |
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paintedlady said: I disagree, you can fuck anyone... but maintain a relationship? If that's the case then many white people I know can not say they aren't racist then. Many I know say... "I am not a racist ya know, I my kids are 1/2 black" or "My boyfriend is black and I don't hate black people"... so they will vehemently disagree with that theory.
Rape is different, so is plain fucking, many people do that for just power. I don't know what type of "dating" you are referring to if that's the case. - Whenever someone says something similar to the bolded part^^^, that's an immediate red flag - If a white woman calls her black man a "n*gger" in the heat of anger, I guess she can't be racist then according to your logic; that's a scenario I've heard multiple times [Edited 10/29/09 6:17am] | |
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connorhawke said: paintedlady said: Interesting points. Would you say racism is just an expression of xenophobia? That's where it stems from IMO. Add to it negative stereo typing from media outlets, and biased teachings in classrooms, you will get people who actually become angry and feel "potentially victimized" by others that would never hurt them. Like they are on guard for no good reason, but they feel they actually have to be. | |
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Mstrustme said: paintedlady said: I disagree, you can fuck anyone... but maintain a relationship? If that's the case then many white people I know can not say they aren't racist then. Many I know say... "I am not a racist ya know, I my kids are 1/2 black" or "My boyfriend is black and I don't hate black people"... so they will vehemently disagree with that theory.
Rape is different, so is plain fucking, many people do that for just power. I don't know what type of "dating" you are referring to if that's the case. - Whenever someone says something similar to the bolded part^^^, that's an immediate red flag - If a white woman calls her black man a "n*gger" in the heat of anger, I guess she can't be racist then according to your logic; that's a scenario I've heard multiple times Well, I tried in the past to argue the same point you are making, but to no avail. So I just let those people who claim NOT to be racist alone. Instead, I turn to the black man and look sideways at him and say, "How can you date a person that doesn't respect your culture?" Because honestly, his parents should have taught him better than that. It is my DUTY as a mother to MAKE 100% sure that my children will have enough self esteem to date people who will respect them and where they come from. I know you feel me.  | |
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paintedlady said: Well, I tried in the past to argue the same point you are making, but to no avail. So I just let those people who claim NOT to be racist alone. Instead, I turn to the black man and look sideways at him and say, "How can you date a person that doesn't respect your culture?" Because honestly, his parents should have taught him better than that.
It is my DUTY as a mother to MAKE 100% sure that my children will have enough self esteem to date people who will respect them and where they come from. I know you feel me. Absolutely | |
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