Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services.

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan

Last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

pissing myself at the last one!

I have tears in my eyes

PANDURITO said:

you're just saying that to be nice to me

ZombieKitten said:

That too

I am sitting at my desk DYING!
I am so glad my classroom-mate hasn't walked in yet. I look a little

Thanks!

These are awesome! I'm literally crying with laughter!

Wow, these are good! Thanks!

that read just kept getting more brilliant with every scroll

This list is going on the kitchen notice board near the CPR poster

Oh my goodness...I am crying over here, those are so funny! Thanks for the laugh!!!

ZombieKitten said:

I copied, pasted, and sent these to my pastor.

The church near my place had this rather odd message:

"Jesus is for Losers"

chocolate1 said: