We aren't speaking with my parents right now, you'll see why shortly. They (especially my father) are notoriously difficult to talk to as they are very self centered and myopic. Seeing things from someone elses perspective is a foreign concept to them. They kind of went overboard last week and I've finally decided to lay out some basic outlines of what I will and will not accept from them when it comes to their behavior involving my family.

Let me know what you think....please?

I understand that a lot of orgers have lost their moms and/or dads, I know I will do the same one day, so there is no need to remind me of that. I love my family fiercely, but parents or not, everyone has to treat me, my wife and my children a certain way.


Mom and Dad,

I want you both to know that I love you so very much. Nothing will ever change that. I appreciate all the things you have done, and continually do for the kids, Erin and me. However, I feel that you sometimes fail to see, understand and respect the acceptable boundaries that exist between an adult, his family and his parents.

I will no longer accept or allow you to disrupt my family based on your ideas or views on things you don’t agree with in my household. I, along with my family, show you respect and accommodate your wishes with a loving attitude at all times. I am going to have to ask that you do a better job of doing the same with me and my family from now on. I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way you do at times, the fact that you are my parents and I love you are the only reasons I have tolerated it this long.

You’re going to have to find a way to understand that this is my family and household…not yours. I, along with my wife, set the rules and run it whichever way we see fit. You are entitled to have your opinion on that, you should even be able to bring it up to and discuss it with us since you are my parents. Unfortunately, because you choose to not do so in a respectful and loving way, you’re going to have to keep it to yourselves from now on. Any help you have ever given, and continue to give to us, is appreciated from the bottom of my heart, but it does not give you the right to make decisions in this household. I know at times we get frustrated and vent to you about how difficult running our home and family is. Again, this does not give you permission to take it upon yourselves to set the rules here.

I’ve asked you to call me before you come over to my home NUMEROUS times. This is not an unreasonable request. It is one of the VERY FEW things that I ask to be respected. I’ve lived with you (Dad) long enough to know that you don’t do this on purpose, for what reason, I don’t know. I assume to be contrary and just show me that you don’t have to listen to me, which, in most instances, you don’t. You’re the father and I am your son. This hurts me because I do my best to respect the things you ask of me. That same respect should be extended to me. I know I am your son, but I am still a 35 year old man in his own home and for you to continue to wave your finger in my face just because you feel like it is not only rude, but mean.

One of the disadvantages of raising four children, going to college, working two jobs and starting two small businesses is the numerous times we have to leave our home. This would be impossible if our children were very young, but they aren’t. I want to make sure that you know (even though I shouldn’t have to explain how I run my family to anyone other than my wife) that we allowed Elissia and Mari to go to the clubhouse (a couple blocks away) while we were gone (at a business meeting). I did the exact same thing in 4th grade on Buttonwood Drive while both of you were at work. They asked permission first and we knew where they were. They called us to let us know they were there and OK. We allowed CJ to go to the skate park because he has been working very hard and doing as well as can be expected from him. We allowed Rosie to go to her friend’s house. Elissia and Mari left our doors open, not yours. We would have found that out and dealt with whatever would have resulted from that when we returned home, because WE are the parents and it is OUR home. Again, I would never dream of telling you how to feel about anything, it’s not my place to tell you how to think or act. However, the way you choose to act on those feelings in regards to me and my family will have to change. To decide to pick my son up from the skate park was beyond acceptable. He earned that under OUR rules, HIS PARENTS. To go through my house while we were not home and get angry over anything (open doors, messes, our dog, etc.) is not your place. You are not allowed to just do whatever you feel with my family.

The fact that you think we are doing a “poor” job of raising our family saddens me, but I do not care. I truly mean that, because I am doing a TERRIFIC job of raising my family. I sometimes feel that you choose to not recognize that I am raising two children out of a divorce, willingly accepted two more children that I am adopting, support a wife that is in school and starting a small business, and do MY BEST at maintaining my home. I work and pay my bills responsibly. I am attempting to start a small business myself, doing something that I love, something that isn’t very easy, but I’m pursuing it. My wife is doing the exact same thing. I do not smoke, drink, drug, gamble, or fuck around on my wife. I don’t physically, verbally or emotionally abuse my family. All four of my children are honor roll students, stay out of trouble and are GOOD, respectful human beings. Every single one of them is just as happy and safe, if not more so, than either Erin or I was at their ages. They are still learning responsibility and respect every single day as they grow. The fact that my children forget to close or lock the door, clean up after themselves or whatever other incident that you seem to have something to say about is for me and my wife to deal with, not you. We know where our children are at ALL times. Wherever we allow them to go is up to US. The frequency that they are left alone is determined by us, not you. I understand that you worry about them, I am very thankful that they have grandparents that care so much about them. Still, that does not give you the right to impose your decisions on my family.

I love you both more than you even know. I know nothing will ever stop you from worrying irrationally about us and the children. I have accepted that and live with it. I have seen relationships in your lives degrade and disappear and refuse to allow our relationship end up in that same result. There is no reason for that. I hope and pray that you listen to this letter with an open mind and understand that I’m not telling you off. I’m simply asking for a little more love and respect. I’m asking for you to allow me to be an adult and let me raise my family, for better or worse, as I see fit. I hate that we aren’t talking. It hurts me to the point of near tears. However, I can’t allow you to continue to act the way you have when it comes to me and my family. I hope to hear from you soon.


With all my love,

Christopher

Wow. You must really be at your wit's end to be writing something like this to them.

To be perfectly honest, if my parents had done that to my family (should I actually have one) I wouldn't be doing it this way. I'd just be all "get the fuck out of here, mind your own fucking business and grow your own life".

Parents living through their children when they age is just sad.

I think it's very well put but to be honest I'd wrap it up with some more forceful words if necessary. (But we're talking about you!)

Well done

connorhawke said:

Thank you connor.

Part of me wants to end it with VERY forceful, direct and "can't be misunderstood" words...but I know if I go too far they will just not read it at all. I want them to gain some insight and perspective.

Even though I know they will probably STILL not read this shit.

U were very detailed as to what u want and how things should be.
They have to respect u as a man who has a family and doing whats best for them.

I hope everything works out!

JerseyKRS said:

Here's another idea:

Wait until this thread get some really juicy replies and email it to them instead

connorhawke said:

don't think that shit didn't cross my mind!!!

OMG Chris thats so damn foul that parents do these things. Mine would do that but the advantage is mom is still in NY

IAintTheOne said:

LMFAO, one of the disadvantages of living 10 minutes away.

It is foul. My mother actually said that shit. "You're doing a poor job at it"

WTF.

IAintTheOne said:

Not only did they go through the house when we weren't home, but they somehow assumed that the two little ones were missing, without even calling us to ask if we knew where they were! (Of course we did). They told our son that his sisters were missing, upset him to tears, embarrassed him in front of his friends, and brought him home and demanded that he go look for them.

I mean, what the fuck? If they had just thought for a moment and talked to us, it would never have happened.

JerseyKRS said:

I think this is the most important part. These are the facts, so how are you doing a poor job?

What kind of job did they do raising you, Jersey? If it was shitty, you can throw that in their faces. If it was good, you can tell them that you raise the kids just like you were raised and therefore if you are doing a shitty job, it is only because they did a shitty job.

This sucks. It's hard to love someone and not like them. amybe, just maybe, if you tell them they arethisclose from being out of your family's lives, they will cut the stupid shit.

Good luck.

Vendetta1 said:

they had their shining moments, and their not so shining moments.

They actually are "this close". This won't bother my father at all as he has sabotaged and eliminated every relationship in his life save for his wife and me. He expects no one to care about him, so it really wouldn't bother him. My mom on the other hand would be very hurt by it.

Like I stated to them, they have to change. I'm not going to allow them to act they way they do any longer. I don't know what else to say to them about it.

JerseyKRS said:

Since your mom would be hurt, maybe she is the one to rationalize with and maybe your father will fall in line with her wishes.

your letter is great, but I would set more "rules" by giving concrete examples. Especially at the beginning of the letter.

I say this beacuse respect is just a word. Explain what is, to you, a lack of respect and give some examples, to end with : I will not allow you, to come to my house without calling before.


Does it make sense ?

I ain't reading all that.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses. Just cuz somebody gave birth to you doesn't always mean that it's healthy to be in a relationship with them if they're toxic, selfish, and/or crazy. I love my mother, she was a great mother in some respects and a not so great one in others. As a result of the not so great, I left home at 18 and never went back. Sometimes self-preservation and peace of mind trumps doing what people think is socially expected or acceptable.

Good luck, ya'll.

you wrote a very good articulate letter. I feel however the message will be lost. your parents/father will receive it as a get out of my life letter, even though that isn't your intent nor nowhere in the letter does it say that.

perhaps if you met your parents at a neutral site...a city park, or some other place quiet, and try to say these things instead of sending them on a piece of paper, will allow for feedback and comment..

BlackAdder7 said:

I would love to do it in person. It would just end up in a fight, I am 110% sure of that.

BlackAdder7 said:

Unfortunately, the reason he wrote it out is because if he tried to say these things to his father face to face, my father-in-law would blow up before the first paragraph was done. He's got an explosive temper and an extremely short fuse.

SCNDLS said:

Thanks.

That's pretty much what I've done with my father. And my mother, well, she's very good at boundaries. We talk when we talk, we don't when we don't.

But Jersey's parents are...different. They cling to us because they have alienated everyone else in their lives. Mostly as a result of their own choices, and because of their, shall we say, low social IQ. They just don't know how to relate to and treat people.

Chris has too big of a heart to allow his parents to die alone, which is pretty much what would happen if we cut them off. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the way it is in their case.

virginie74 said:

I think that's good advice.

my mom died when i was young and my dad was always an ass. (i knew that later on, but still i loved him)

Its funny how god allows unneccesary junk in your life to frustrate you and then for you to straighten out.

DanceWme said:

Steph, I swear to GAWD, when my father-in-law comes over without calling, he defends it by saying, "I mean, it's not like we're Ray Barrone's parents or anything!"



You're EXACTLY like Ray Barrone's parents!

PunkMistress said:

I can understand that too tho. My mother has 4 children, 13 grandkids and 4 brothers and sisters and has managed to alienate all of them because of boarish behavior. It may sound harsh but she's in the predicament she's in because of her own actions and if she dies alone that's on her. Not saying I wouldn't help her IF she absolutely needed me but until that day comes she's on her own. But I'm a bitch tho.

Oh, and let me add that boys and their mothers have a different relationship and mothers and daughters. Every guy that I've met find it very difficult to extract themselves from their mother no matter what types of dysfunction or abuse was inflicted by their mothers.
[Edited 10/4/09 8:40am]

SCNDLS said:

Yeah, that's exactly my attitude about my father. But he's single.

In this case it sucks, because the crazy-ass maniac comes attached to a sweet woman who has a heart of gold and sticks by the maniac no matter what. We hate to punish her for his actions, since he's really the one behind all this. Living with him is punishment enough.

PunkMistress said:

Okay, then ya'll are screwed

SCNDLS said:

PunkMistress said:

That's my professional assessment. My bill is in the mail.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
My parents were never overbearing, but still very difficult to communicate with or get anything across.

With my mom, I find the best way to set ground rules with her is not to over-explain. Just tell her exactly your parameters. Of course, being parents they won't listen at first...or second, or third.

But you're never in the wrong for laying down the law and consistently driving the point home.

Sounds like your folks still think they're supposed to be guardians...vicariously it appears. My mom has very strong opinions about how my sister should be raising her family, but of course wouldn't say anything for fear of my sisters rather frightening temper.


I think you did the right thing.

The only thing I would suggest is to reduce the length of the letter. I am fearful you will lose him before he finishes. (I am specifically saying "he" as it sounds like your Father is the source of the difficulty).

As cold as it might appear, perhaps try writing the letter using clear, concise bullet points. I think sometimes with people that are hard headed and have short fuses, it is easier for them to swallow the message.

You did an excellent job of making sure your parents know how much they are loved.

Best of luck to you both and stay strong.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you should give more examples of things they've done that crossed the boundary lines. I think you two are doing a great job from what I've read here on the org. The punishment for leaving the house open and taking everything out of the girls room was priceless, that's something I would've done. I'm prayerful that your parents recieve what you're trying to tell them in a positive way.