JerseyKRS said:

I think this is the most important part. These are the facts, so how are you doing a poor job?

We aren't speaking with my parents right now, you'll see why shortly. They (especially my father) are notoriously difficult to talk to as they are very self centered and myopic. Seeing things from someone elses perspective is a foreign concept to them. They kind of went overboard last week and I've finally decided to lay out some basic outlines of what I will and will not accept from them when it comes to their behavior involving my family.

Let me know what you think....please?

I understand that a lot of orgers have lost their moms and/or dads, I know I will do the same one day, so there is no need to remind me of that. I love my family fiercely, but parents or not, everyone has to treat me, my wife and my children a certain way.


Mom and Dad,

I want you both to know that I love you so very much. Nothing will ever change that. I appreciate all the things you have done, and continually do for the kids, Erin and me. However, I feel that you sometimes fail to see, understand and respect the acceptable boundaries that exist between an adult, his family and his parents. name something they have done well, so they see your attention to detail. save this final sentence for the next paragraph. End this paragraph with something about being open to understanding and receiving this letter in the loving context it was written in.

I will no longer accept or allow you to disrupt my family based on your ideas or views on things you don’t agree with in my household. I, along with my family, show you respect and accommodate your wishes with a loving attitude at all times. I am going to have to ask that you do a better job of doing the same with me and my family from now on. I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way you do at times, the fact that you are my parents and I love you are the only reasons I have tolerated it this long.
eliminate the "I am going to have to ask..You are asking. Do something along the lines of "with respect to you, I ask that you respect my family and myself by respecting my wishes for my family.."
You’re going to have to find a way to understand that this is my family and household…not yours. I, along with my wife, set the rules and run it whichever way we see fit. You are entitled to have your opinion on that, you should even be able to bring it up to and discuss it with us since you are my parents. Unfortunately, because you choose to not do so in a respectful and loving way, you’re going to have to keep it to yourselves from now on. Any help you have ever given, and continue to give to us, is appreciated from the bottom of my heart, but it does not give you the right to make decisions in this household. I know at times we get frustrated and vent to you about how difficult running our home and family is. Again, this does not give you permission to take it upon yourselves to set the rules here.
[b] I agree with others who have said you may want to put short, concise points of what you want them to do.
I’ve asked you to call me before you come over to my home NUMEROUS times. This is not an unreasonable request. It is one of the VERY FEW things that I ask to be respected. I’ve lived with you (Dad) long enough to know that you don’t do this on purpose, for what reason, I don’t know. I assume to be contrary and just show me that you don’t have to listen to me, which, in most instances, you don’t. You’re the father and I am your son. This hurts me because I do my best to respect the things you ask of me. That same respect should be extended to me. I know I am your son, but I am still a 35 year old man in his own home and for you to continue to wave your finger in my face just because you feel like it is not only rude, but mean.

One of the disadvantages of raising four children, going to college, working two jobs and starting two small businesses is the numerous times we have to leave our home. This would be impossible if our children were very young, but they aren’t. I want to make sure that you know (even though I shouldn’t have to explain how I run my family to anyone other than my wife) that we allowed Elissia and Mari to go to the clubhouse (a couple blocks away) while we were gone (at a business meeting). I did the exact same thing in 4th grade on Buttonwood Drive while both of you were at work. They asked permission first and we knew where they were. They called us to let us know they were there and OK. We allowed CJ to go to the skate park because he has been working very hard and doing as well as can be expected from him. We allowed Rosie to go to her friend’s house. Elissia and Mari left our doors open, not yours. We would have found that out and dealt with whatever would have resulted from that when we returned home, because WE are the parents and it is OUR home. Again, I would never dream of telling you how to feel about anything, it’s not my place to tell you how to think or act. However, the way you choose to act on those feelings in regards to me and my family will have to change. To decide to pick my son up from the skate park was beyond acceptable. He earned that under OUR rules, HIS PARENTS. To go through my house while we were not home and get angry over anything (open doors, messes, our dog, etc.) is not your place. You are not allowed to just do whatever you feel with my family.

The fact that you think we are doing a “poor” job of raising our family saddens me, but I do not care. I truly mean that, because I am doing a TERRIFIC job of raising my family. {b] insert something with regard to how they taught you well and we are a reflection of our upbringing (toss it in their face, like another orger said--do so gently) This is obviously a mother statement...[/b] I sometimes feel that you choose to not recognize that I am raising two children out of a divorce, willingly accepted two more children that I am adopting, support a wife that is in school and starting a small business, and do MY BEST at maintaining my home. I work and pay my bills responsibly. I am attempting to start a small business myself, doing something that I love, something that isn’t very easy, but I’m pursuing it. My wife is doing the exact same thing. I do not smoke, drink, drug, gamble, or fuck around on my wife. I don’t physically, verbally or emotionally abuse my family. All four of my children are honor roll students, stay out of trouble and are GOOD, respectful human beings. Every single one of them is just as happy and safe, if not more so, than either Erin or I was at their ages. They are still learning responsibility and respect every single day as they grow. The fact that my children forget to close or lock the door, clean up after themselves or whatever other incident that you seem to have something to say about is for me and my wife to deal with, not you. We know where our children are at ALL times. Wherever we allow them to go is up to US. The frequency that they are left alone is determined by us, not you. I understand that you worry about them, I am very thankful that they have grandparents that care so much about them. Still, that does not give you the right to impose your decisions on my family.

I love you both more than you even know. I know nothing will ever stop you from worrying irrationally about us and the children. I have accepted that and live with it. I have seen relationships in your lives degrade and disappear and refuse to allow our relationship end up in that same result. There is no reason for that. I hope and pray that you listen to this letter with an open mind and understand that I’m not telling you off. I’m simply asking for a little more love and respect. I’m asking for you to allow me to be an adult and let me raise my family, for better or worse, as I see fit. I hate that we aren’t talking. It hurts me to the point of near tears. However, I can’t allow you to continue to act the way you have when it comes to me and my family. I hope to hear from you soon.


With all my love,

Christopher

thank you so much to all of you. it really helps.

whoa...this is a hard one. manly because I'm only aware of this event you mentioned about them thinking the girls were missing and freaking out your other children...obviously not good. BUT that is out of love that they freaked out...
so I gather what happened was, they came over unannounced, went in, no one was home so they freaked out, found your son, told him to go find the sisters?
and I get the impression they show up when no one's home often? and then complain about the mess or whathave you? (I'm just trying to get a picture of the situation)
I personally would NEVER mandate that any relative of mine call before they come over...ESPECIALLY my Mom or Dad or my husbands parents. It's family...they are always welcome. Then again I don't have people coming over and going in when I'm not home. Obviously your parents should have just made a simple phone call and the whole mess could have been avoided.
My mom makes her comments on things...I take them with a grain of salt. she wasn't a perfect parent, she thinks we're a little to hard on them...but in the same breath comments about what a "brat" I was. To which I always tell her that was HER fault...not mine.
As an example...last week my mom wanted to pick up my oldest from school so she could visit with him for a while untill I got home from work. so ofcourse they went in the house and ofcourse it was a mess...and by the time I got home my mom had done all the dishes, cleaned up the counter, swept the floor and did a load of laundry. Part of me takes that as you don't keep your house clean enough and the other part of me say. Thanx ma!
One thing is for sure...Your parents are who they are...they ARE NOT going to change at this stage in their lives. (ok..maybe..but I doubt it)
I wonder if you guys just diligently locked your doors would most of this problem dissapear?
I understand why you guys are frustrated...I would just hate to see any relationship with your folx go from bad to worse.
good luck with it you guys.

Jersey...good job for standing up for yourself and your family. YOU and ERIN are the parents and the only ones who need to make decisions regarding your family. I know it's hard. I live with my mom and I sort of go through the same problems as you. I think she feels like cause I live here she's entitled to have a say in my life. I appreciate what she is doing for me because without her I'd be homeless. But, I'm 36 and don't feel that she can tell me how to live my life or raise my kids. It's tough.

to you and Erin and I'm sorry you're going through this.

In case you DO show this to your parents....

Ya'll fools need to BACK the fuck OUT of their decisions!!!

hokie said:

American people are crazy. GD sucks ass these days, too many American folk posting crap