JustErin said:

LOL I clearly stated that it's up to each individual I do not speak for everyone. Even assuming so is quite silly...

We get into a fucked up thing in relationships. This particular fucked up thing is reassuring our current partner how much better he is than our ex. How our ex used to do this and that, and how you, my current love, don't get on my nerves like that and I've been waiting all my life for you.

Problem is, when I want to be friendly with my ex, because he's a good guy, my love says, "but what about and if he did this and that, why on earth do you still want to be friends?" I've painted myself into a nice little corner. Well honey, I pointed out his faults because you are so much better. But he is an okay guy. I just wanted you to feel good about us. "Well do you still like him or not, what's going on here?"

Which is a fair question to ask.

And sometimes it's not worth all the clutter. And the person you are with is the person whose feelings you should respect, and not fight for the dumb stuff if it really is dumb.

PanthaGirl said:

I assumed nothing.

It was a general statement in response to what was being said. Assuming I assumed is silly, don't you think?

So HA!

So long as he has the same understanding/definition of what a "Friend Relationship" is as I do, then, yes, it's okay.

Otherwise, I can be really nasty when I'm jealous.

JustErin said:

I never said nor "assumed" that it was that way for my partner. If you read closely, I was speaking for myself. What is wrong with just agreeing to disagree? I never told anyone on this board that "you are wrong for thinking that way" I simply gave my opinion like everybody else. What is up with all the one sided thinking on the org lately?
[Edited 9/17/09 9:12am]

missfee said:

Hahaha...keep reading.

CarrieMpls said:

I sooooo agree. It really depends on all parties concerned. I look at my sister in-law. She has a child by her ex. She is married, but her ex is real cool with the family,so he comes around without any problems. Heck, my mother in-law drops by to see how he is doing. My father in-law hangs out with him. My brother in-law his cool with it. So it really depends on the parties.

With technology i think this is going to be a bigger issues for most couples. Especially with things such as facebook or Twitter where it's easy to contact people from your past. A person from your past is just a click away.

TD3 said:

That sounds like a healthy relationship to me. If a person is constantly suspicious of their partner's friends without good reason, there's a problem.

missfee said:

There it isn't.

JustErin said:

Agreed. Some of my ex's became friends so I cared for them after the relationship as well. They all knew that I didn't "go there" with any of my exes. When all that was said and done. There was a new found respect.

JustErin said:

LOL yah if U want to assume U didn't then of course to each your own opinion such as my opinion on the subject at hand!

starkitty said:

maybe it depends on who was the dumper and who was the dumpee?

About my husband's ex, he broke off their engagement and TOTALLy broke her heart.
On the same token, he had really loved her, so in my eyes that made her a good human, he could never have loved someone who wasn't a good person. I almost hated him for what he did to her!!!

She moved on and married and we could all be friends. Her husband is great, PERFECT for her in ways that mine could never be for her.

Anyway, early on, while she was still an unknown quantity, I was REALLY anxious about her still being around. I knew NOTHING, was too scared to ask and really wanted nothing to do with it. She was upset that suddenly I was on the scene without her knowing (even though it was a year after their break-up and she was already with her future husband) in fact she was devastated that things were serious with me without him confiding in her - which up to that point he had done, but once he was with me seriously, that stopped with her. I guess it was like a second break-up because she hadn't wanted to break up with him.

I didn't interfere or make any demands, if he had kept on with the confiding, it would have been a sign to me that he wasn't ready to be with me and that may have been the end of that who knows.

He on the other hand, did demand that I tie up all loose ends and make sure my exes were well and truly OUT of the picture! Which they were, so all good.

15 years later, exes are no drama.

It's perfectly okay, but you need to keep badmouthing the ex for the current one.

I generally go out with people I like hanging with (duh!!), so why the f should I cut them off rudely because a new GF has insecurities based on a past experience of hers?
I ain't your past, woman, I'm your future! Get over that BS.

Yes, I did go out with a lass who didn't want me being friends with anyone i'd slept with in the past.
She admitted it was because of insecurities over a past relationship (obviously, IMO).

Just the idea of wanting me to all of a sudden cut off friends I've had for years is absolutely bonkers and ludicrous!!!

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last

nd33 said:

I think it's bonkers, too.

Whenever I'm out with my man and his female friends, a stranger should be able to easily pick me out of the crowd as his current girlfriend. lol.

Vendetta1 said:

Agreed.

It all depends. One of my ex's was from 10 years ago and we are great friends....we call each other "Jerry and Elaine". Enough time has passed and we have both moved on so it's not an issue. If it were a recent breakup and there were still feelings involved then absolutely not. Both parties need to be over it and I think the amount of time that has gone by plays a great deal in it. If my current boyfriend found it necessary to hang out with his past ex I would NOT be cool with it. Ten years from now....who cares.

CarrieLee said:

I agree Carrie. I don't think there is a black and white. It all depends on the situation.

CarrieLee said:

I agree with this.
But to add, I think the ex should also stay out of your sandbox. If he/she knows you frequent this or that smoothie shop or bar, showing up to the same places so he/she can get their mojo because it's part of their 'old' routine is just plain rude and very selfish. There is no 'old' routine. It was reinvented when you hooked up. He/she should know to stay out of your space--it's a small sacrifice to make.

That's one of the reasons I refuse to get involved at work--you're always going to be in each other's space without a choice.



I'm friends with peoplel I was madly in love with 10 years ago. 3 of them are on my facebook list. But, I don't care about them to the same capacity now. In all honesty, I read their status updates with only mild curiosity with little or no care as to the deeper meaning behind what they're saying--we've just grown apart--and that's what makes being friends ok.

.
[Edited 9/18/09 9:36am]

tackam said:

Thirded.

JustErin said:

I know a guy that's like that with his ex....good friends...and his wife is ok with it....they are all happy.

I'd like to think I am cool with my ex's. But then again my mindset is twisted

it depends on who you are committed to, if she is an idiot...you're fucked,
if she's jealous...you're fucked.
if she's clueless.....you are fucked.