its a reflection day

actually, i was talking to my cousin who is in a new relationship with someone that he is COMPLETELY in love with, i have never seen him this happy and im happy for both of them

however, while we were talking tonight, i realized that he thinks his feelings are so much more important that his. i stopped him and asked him why that was and why he didnt value his own feelings more. turns out its from his past relationship, his first boyfriend was older and very abusive, even though none of us knew about this until after they had already split up...poor guy suffered all alone in that mess and never had anyone to turn to because in the twisted mind of the abuser he had convinced him that it was his fault.

i was on my heavy dose of "look, you DO matter, and your feelings DO count - stop selling yourself short" that kinda thing. i told him, "you need to get into some counsling because you are starting to show lifelong trauma if you are afraid of 'making him mad' and causing trouble in the relationship". now, mind you, there is absolutely no abuse in this new relationship, its just the ugly ghost that he is dealing with now.

he says to me, "look at you - you went through so much more than i did and you have gotten back to yourself with no problems" - and then it hit me!! i said, "yeah, if you pay attention to me, i have not dated since then" i've mentioned it here before i think, my exhusband held the kids and i at gunpoint for the night the last night i spent with him, thankfully my children were asleep but it was a very scary night to say the least. i fully realize how lucky i was to get out with my babies and have all of our health. he gave me the "im gonna kill you and your son and im gonna leave with my daughter and noone will ever find us" talk. it was a friday night in the middle of kansas city mo where the cops wouldnt have gotten to me even if i did get to the phone. he was cold, calculated, and drunk, none of these things add up to anything good, i was lucky - very very lucky.

anyway, once i said that outloud, it has dawned on me - that was eleven years ago. i have been single for ELEVEN years now! all this time i told myself that it was because i am strong and that i dont 'need' a man to be ok in my life and that all the women running around with a man must not be as strong as me...

well, obviously, i have been blind for many years. truth is, i am scared. i will never again, under any circumstances find myself in that place again where i dont know if i can protect my children - the thought of that scares me just sitting here thinking about it. im almost certain as i have spent some hours thinking about this that i have stuffed so much fear inside that i dont know HOW to trust again!

add to that that my father was a very intimidating man who was emotionally abusive and had a very hard time showing his love, and that my son's father who i spent 9 years with was emotionally unavailable and left me right after we gave our daughter up for adoption and what you have is a girl who has learned from her experiences that men are never there for you and that they are there to hurt you.

how the hell do i undo these thoughts and straighten myself out after all these years? therapy, yes... but damn, thats gonna bring up the ghosts i have spent so many years stuffing.

the funny thing is that i really DO want someone to love and share life with and i am a lil jealous of my friends who have that perfect loving relationship and their man is protective of them and very supportive. i just dont think that i will ever have that, truth be told, im not sure i would know what to do with it if i did get that... im used to being on my own, but my kids will leave one day, and then i will be ALONE, what kinda ghosts will pop up then?

wow... all this time i thought i was doing really good


needed to get that off my chest

peb319 said:

thank you.

i dont know how i didnt see this before... i feel like somebody just smacked the shit outta me. i reread that, i understand it, but it seems like im reading someone else's life

Statuesqque said:

thank you...


wait, this thread is going the wrong way, i dont want this to be a 'poor me' thread, thats not what im trying to get across, i am really STUNNED at the fact that this is MY life and i wasnt aware of something that seems so incredibly obvious!! it took me talking to him about his pain to see my own that is so much in my face i couldnt even see it. what kinda hurt do we stuff that makes us blind about ourselves and we may never know why we do things that we do???


im telling you it looks so fucking obvious on paper, but i had NO idea i was walking around with this inside, i honestly thought i was all good and that i did a damn good job getting on with my life

nakedpianoplayer said:

well, if this isn't a poor me thread then let me just say thank you for sharing such an amazingly difficult time in your life and now GET OUT AN BAG A DUDE!!!

oh...

forgot to mention that I think you HELLA rock!

RenHoek said:

lol, thank you
that made me smile!

nakedpianoplayer said:

I understand what you're saying and I don't read it as a poor me thread. I think this happens more often then not to many, where we start off being one thing only to realize down the road that it's actually something else, another form of a ghost, as you've put it, that you thought you dealt with or thought your were dealing with. I've had the same revelation in recent months.

nakedpianoplayer said:

quite ok..
i'm actually in the same place...it's closer to 12 years tho..
that last straw all those years ago..
i haven't exactly been alone..
but no one was allowed to influence my heart..i wanted no more of that
and then in april i met someone who was starting to change me mind..
here it is..
august and i'm thinking..
right back to where i started..
except
maybe not...

and it can be a poor me thread..
I don't mind..

Nekkid!

Statuesqque said:

these ghosts are something else! and im sorry for anything that you have been going through, i wish you strength
thank you for your kind words

peb319 said:

so, you are in a good place now? i sure hope so!

its amazing to me how many women share events like this, i wish there was more that could be said or done to help the situation.
im here if you wanna talk, that goes for anyone, sometimes talking it out can be motivating enough that they will get out.

thank you, and im sorry

luv4u said:

I think you just havent found your soul mate and once you do you will be able to fully give your love to him... Dont be scared, go with your gut.. Even tho you went through some really bad things you have to remember that was the past and move forward. We learn from living life and your not living the life you want if you cant let go..I know it is easy for me to tell you but you have to put yourself in a whole new mind set! There is someone out there who will love you with all his heart..Thats the great thing about "mature" love.. If you ask anyone here who is still with their loves they will tell you time has improved their relationship..

Its a deeper love with respect and admiration! Im not saying your old or im old but we can appreciate what we have because of maturity..

Im so sorry you had to go through what you did but i always have believed everything happens for a reason, they may be really shitty things but when you come out of them you end up stronger and wiser..In the end your story may help someone else, thats how I believe life works!

I wish you tons of love and happiness, now get out there and met some men!!

Honey, this is not a poor me thread.

You're getting the hugs because folks here love you.

Honey, you are where I was when I wrote that article on my experience with domestic abuse. It had been 10 years since I left him and at that point I didn't think about it very much and when I did, it didn't make me cry or hurt me the way it used to. I thought this meant I was over it. It wasn't until I wrote that article and saw the response it created and when I read back over my story and everyone elses, I realized I hadn't dealt with it AT. ALL.

It's been 5 years of work to be at the point where I truly am knowing who I am and coming into that place I thought I'd never be but it's happening and it can happen for anyone if it can happen for me.

Here's the problem. Many people want to dress their demons up and hope they play nice. This is what your cousin is doing, and perhaps what you have done as well. Demons are evil by nature and no amount of anything you do to dress them up is going to change the fact that they want to destroy you. So if you insist on dressing that demon in a tuxedo, make sure it's the last act of kindness as you lead it to the slaughterhouse!

I can send you the links to my articles, all of which I talk about my journey and how I've come to this amazing place in my heart and soul, and you are most welcome to send them to your cousin. If you ever want to talk further, you know where to find me.

Wow. This was a great read. Thanks for sharing. I did not read it as a "poor me thread," either.

You know one of the great things about epiphanies, such as what you have just experienced is that it allows us to see how much we have grown and yet gives us other avenues of where growth is needed. And also, these "ghosts" allow us, I think, to see, experience and then accept where we are in our lives and then take the necessary steps to actualize that new growth. Without self-awareness, self-acceptance how are we to grow? It seems you've accepted the fact that you've been afraid (an for good reason too) for the past 11 years. Now, the future for you is different... It looks like the future will now have someone in your life...


Good luck and thanks again. That was awesome.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Richard! My friend! How the hell are you?

TheResistor said:

You have no idea!

http://prince.org/msg/100/314304

Just when I think I can't grow anymore, life happens. I am doing absolutely great throught it all

How are you?!
[Edited 8/14/09 10:23am]

nakedpianoplayer said:

I can really relate to a lot of this.

It's so admirable to be this honest with yourself.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Nice!

PunkMistress said:

It is the one step that is mandatory in taking back your life.

tinaz said:

thank you such wise words - i appreciate it!

i will reread this answer again im sure, thank you again

Nothinbutjoy said:

i love you girl your heart is wonderful

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

my god, i am getting so emotional reading these comments!!
you know i love ya, and yes, i would really like to pass them on if thats ok - anything to stop another person from being in that place of darkness... i want the best for him

and i suppose i need to do the same for me.


im so glad that things are looking up for you sweetie

TheResistor said:

thank you damn, you guys rock at helping to pick up the soul when its needed!!! i like the idea that this shocking moment will add up to a brighter future!!

PunkMistress said:

if ever you need someone to talk with...

nakedpianoplayer said:

The thing that matters the most right now is that your eyes have been opened

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

cant change the past, but you can damn sure claim a better future!!


btw, i want you to know that i sent your threads on to my cousin, he will read them and hopefully take a powerful message from them. i reread them as well, man that does not seem like it was 5 years ago to read that the first time!! time goes by so quickly....

thank you again much love to you!