The reason I ask this question is because my aunt married a guy about 4 years ago. I never cared for the guy, but have tried to treat the guy with respect and avoid having major conversations with him.

A bit of history about my aunt. She is like a mother to me. She has done for me and helped me in my times of need and I am really overprotective of her. She doesn't have any children. She is in her late 60s and this is her first marriage.

A bit of history about the guy she married. This is his 3rd marriage. His first wife (whom he had 3 children with) died early in life. He raised his daughters as a single father. His 2nd marriage only lasted about a year. He says that it didn't last because of her children.

This guy came over to my home for a family get together this weekend. He decided to pick an argument with me because he thought I "insulted" his wife. How it started is that I pointed out that my aunt's blouse was torn. It is an old piece of clothing that she has had for YEARS (possibly from the late 80s). In the past I had pointed out to my aunt that the top was worn and she should discard it. Well, she didn't. When she wore it to my home, I pointed it out to her and she said "oh, ok" like she usually does.

Well, this man decided that he would try to defend his wife and say something to me. He told me that I hurt her feelings and embarrassed her. I told him that I didn't. I then told him that if her feelings were hurt of if she was embarrassed, she would have told me up front. He then said, "she's not like that and won't say that...you hurt my wife's feelings". Well, you know, I got pissed. I told him that he wasn't familiar enough with my family to know how we interact with each other.

I wanted to kick his ass out of my house, but I didn't want to push the issue to upset my aunt. So, I have decided not to say anything to this guy or my aunt.

Personally, I don't like the way this guy treats my aunt (as an outsider looking in). He's verbally abusive and treats her as if she has no opinion. How would you guys suggest that I treat this guy? I am to the point where I am really to beat his "walrus looking ass" and call it a day.

daPrettyman said:

I think you should have a talk with your Aunt to find out if you in fact DID hurt her feelings. If she says you did not then then the issue is moot. And she should stick up for you to her husband and you're owed an apology. It was YOUR house by the way. Was he drunk?

Is it really your place to Handle anybody?

we break them down real good and build them back up into what they need to be to survive. and we make it clear that our family comes first at holidays and other events.

so far, so good.

I give 'em the benefit of the doubt and welcome them with open arms.

Until they try to screw with me. Then they're fucked!

Ace said:

dannyd5050 said:

I did ask her later when she called. She said I did not hurt her feelings and she thanked me for pointing out the hole in her blouse. I then asked why she didn't speak up when her hubby was talking and she didn't have an answer for me.

And...no he was not drunk. Just an asshole.

Dayclear said:

You know what I mean.

Ace said:

I've tried that. I have tried to be nice to him and his daughters.

Then, I got to thinking about them. One is 48 and no decent job or place to stay. One is 47 living with her father and my aunt...with her kid. The other is 44 and is the most stable of them all. She has a decent job and takes care of her child.

1) "I only handle them when nobody else will..."

2) "Are you talking about just the little boys?"

3) "Handle them, shit, after some beers, we're all out on the lawn fighting"

dannyd5050 said:

Yeah have a talk with your aunt ALONE, just the two of you. Make it a day of just you and her. Take her to lunch or some place where it's neutral to talk.

She'll be able to talk a lot more freely without him hovering over her shoulder listening to her every word. Looks like he's a controller.

And another thing...Though this might be regular "out-loud" conversation between you and your family since you and your aunt are close, the polite thing would have been to take her to the side and let her know privately. Because what it sounds like is that you said this out loud in front of him and he didn't appreciate it because he's new to the family and you probably made him feel like he can't take care of her or buy her some new clothes. So it may have embarrased him more than it did her. And she's old school so probably doesn't talk back to her man anyway which is why she let him get away with it.

daPrettyman said:

I can kinda relate to this, but not where you're coming from specifically, but in regard to the torn dress and all that followed. I found my family annoying and patronising around my wife and I the last time we were over for Xmas. I'd joke with her and they'd say I should go easy on her or suggest she wouldn't understand and basically tell me how to talk to my own wife. I know they were just being protective of her because they really care for and love her, but I was there thinking 'I've known her for nearly 10 years, I think I know how to speak to my wife!'. I know what she 'gets' and I found it patronising they'd feel the need to defend her or stick up for her, but in the end I knew I had to chalk it up to them having good intentions and just maybe underestimating her grasp of English. I asked my brother if it would seem appropriate after he made a sarcastic quip to his Scottish gf for me to tell him to not speak to her that way and I think he got the point.

salad tongs.

Anyone that marries into our family is just that: family. My cousin recently got married and I don't think his wife has ever called me anything but Stymie.

dannyd5050 said:

I said it only in front of 3 people. All of which are really close family members. He was the only non-family member of the 3 that was present. As I told him, she has been part of my life for 36 years. She has only been part of his for 4, so he doesn't really know me like that.

I later explained to the guy (in the same conversation) that I am a pretty critical person and close friends and family members know that. He then explained that he felt disrespected. I apologized to him saying that I didn't intend to offend him.

luv4u said:

Thats a great suggestion. I will do that.

daPrettyman said:

In my opinion, she sounds like she married him because she was lonely, desperate, and not getting any younger. Even though you don't like him, just be cordial for her sake. She's married now so let her deal with her own affairs.

My mom has been married 3 times, including with my father. Her second husband I fought with constantly. I was about 15 and he was weird. It lasted 2.5 months and he left.

She's been married to her current husband since 1986. I was never under their roof while they were married. I was out of high school and soon moved out a few months after graduation. She always tells me "Remember to call Tom for Father's Day." I've yet to call him. He's never been a father to me. He's just my mom's husband. He's a total doof. He looks like The Incredible Mr. Limpett (yeah, the fish). I just have no real relationship with him.

In general, I give people a chance, but it depends on who they marry too. Do I talk to that relative a LOT, do I see them often? Even if I see them less frequently, do I get along with them well enough to care who they marry? Those sort of things let me gauge how I approach a new family member.

If the person makes your family member happy, then I say you should be nice to 'em. You don't have to like the person, but you should respect each other

Unless your a child and under that adults supervision it really doesn't matter how you handle the person that that particular adult marries.Frankly how you feel about him has nothing to do with how she feels about him. In the end its her decision.

Everyone that has married into my family has been nothing short of loved and accepted.

Now let a muthafucka slip up ....

DanceWme said:

I have tried to accept him. There have been other people that have married into my family and there has never been a big issue. This guy has been the first one to pose a major issue. Not to mention, he has a lot of baggage.

Usually...I'm just thankful I'm not married to them.

Genesia said:

daPrettyman said:

Not trying to start anything but playing devils advocate... If you avoid having conversations with him, maybe he sees you as stuck up, or unwelcoming? Maybe that's why he felt the need to have a go at you?

In some ways, you should be pleased that your aunt has a man who isn't afraid to stick up for her.

Like I say, just thinking aloud, obviously I don't know the situation.

If he is really bad news, then the best you can do is be supportive of your aunt and be there in the future if she needs you.
[Edited 7/2/09 15:57pm]

my family is insular. the in-laws refer to themselves as the outsiders.

fuck him...he said that to keep from having to buy her a new blouse..i hate jasses like that.

i woulda said, if shes so embarrassed, take her azz to the store.......

TheEnglishGent said:

When I say that I avoid him, I mean that I treat him cordially and chit-chat with him about nonsense.

I'm glad that my aunt found someone, however he's not the type of guy you can go and drink a beer with or hang out with. He's one of the types that is pretty old school. He thinks women are inferior to men. I have no problem with him being "old school" being chivilous.

To me, I really think the guy is bad news. I say that only because he seems to have a motive for everything that he does. Some of them I think are good, some are bad. He has made comments while "joking" saying that his wife was going to work and take care of him and his children with the "big bucks" she would be making at her new job. I didn't find that amusing.

myfavorite said:

I will definitely use that next time.

Come to think about it, I don't recall her ever saying that he has bought her anything...ever.