I have been dating a woman for 5 months. We love each other. We treat each other with dignity and respect. The issue we seem to have is we see everything differently and I'm wondering if it's worth it. We disagree on what right and wrong behavior, what life is and should be, and spirituality. Realistically, do you think complete opposites can be together?

if you are opposites with money (ie one is thrifty the other a spender) or faith, it could ultimately be your undoing - those are amongst the most common relationship breakers

Opposite personality traits on the other hand, are usually a good thing! A shy person with an outgoing person, a flake with a pedant, a pessimist with an optimist - AS LONG AS those traits rub off on each other and both parties end up being evened out a bit
My sister who is a flake, got together with another flake, and it's flake city at their place

I was always painfully shy, but I got together with Mr People Person ( ) - and that's been great for me My punctuality and level-headedness in a crisis is very much needed by him, since he was a habitually late, act first think later kind of person. We work very well together as a team since we have most bases covered this way with different strengths to each other. But we also have similar long-term goals and ideas about parenting - I know if we had different ideas about that we'd be in constant conflict.

it depends on how stubborn you both are. if you're willing to look at things through their eyes now and then, i can see how it would be a learning experience for both of you and a very positive relationship. otherwise, forget it. end it now.

What she said.

if these things have become issues already, address them NOW.

ZombieKitten said:

what she said.... again.

paintedlady said:

ZombieKitten said:

I can SO relate to that comment!

dannyd5050 said:

I've arranged for a birthday get-together for her and her family 3 times now, and 3 times they have flaked on me

ZombieKitten said:

interesting

Alej said:

not if you are both stubborn pains in the ass not willing to learn a thing from the other person - then you're doomed

Where's Paula Abdul when you need her?

I think if two people differ on what life is and should be then it's not likely to succeed. Eventually one is going to bring the other down.

"what life should be" is a pretty big one.

For example: She thinks life is great and everyone should do what makes them happy. Sounds great, right? However, if a person takes drugs and it makes them happy, then that's great to her where I see doing drugs as a no no. She likes to smoke marijuana. I don't touch it. Her frequency fluctuates where she may not do it for months and then may do it for weeks at a time. I don't touch it and would prefer for my future wife not not. She said it helps with the physical pain of an injury and she rather do that than take Oxycontin. She said she's not addicted to marijuana

We had a huge discussion about drugs and she trying to make me change my mind that they're not as bad as the government what us to think. She volunteered to stop smoking without me asking her, but then also tried to make me see that it wasn't bad. I personally think it is bad

So her thing about life being happy and all that spilled into me saying that life is full of pain and suffering as well as happy moments and you can't run away from it trying to escape and chase happiness. Sometimes you're supposed to go through pain. She doesn't think you're supposed to go through pain in life. So, when a parent dies you're not supposed to experience that pain? Tough times are going to happen. Life is tough. You ever have a tough time and need someone to listen to you? She has no sympathy for those who complain about there lives instead of doing something about it and I told sometimes they can't do something. It depends on what they're going through and some people go through one thing, get over that hump, and then some more shit happens. I read stories people have shared here about their lives and I wonder how they get up in the morning. Some people just suffer no matter what they do. I shared my tough times with her and she wasn't very sympathetic. She said my view on life should make me reconsider having children, meaning I shouldn't have any

I also believe in God and an afterlife and even though she was raised with religion, she believes in living for the here and now and not the "unknown." She's interested in going to church with me, but she doesn't believe in making certain sacrifices or going through certain turmoils for hopes of a "higher" reward. I'm not a zealot by any means, but I think that will become an issue when teaching our possible children about life and what to live for.

I don't know if I should just let this go as far as it can go and maybe we will come to a medium in the future once we've been together longer or just end it

of course if both sides are willing to give mutual understanding and respect to their relationship..
[Edited 6/23/09 21:40pm]

ZombieKitten said:

I'm not but sometimes I come off as ota boring

ZombieKitten said:

I'll add my Amens, too. What you're saying is very sensible .

johnart said:

I agree. I think what life should be also ties into Zombie's point about a couple's views on money and religion/spirituality. You need to be on the same page and work together as team with a common goal. If one believes in budgeting for household expenses and the other believes in immediately spending the paycheck on big dinners at the local hotspot- TROUBLE. If one prays during times of trouble while the other one laughs or belittles them for doing so because they are atheist, then oops, this might not work out for the long run

Ottensen said:

not to mention the approval (or not) of in-laws - potentially big issues there in terms of faith and culture also.

LiquidGold said:

Sounds like dealbreakers to me.

My husband and I are opposites in a hundred ways (I'm outgoing and he's not; he's hyper-organized and I'm a slob; he's a total pessimist and I'm a ridiculous optimist; on and on). However, we never judge each other and when it comes to the deeper ways we view life, spirituality and child-rearing, we are extremely compatible in our outlooks. When we do disagree, it often turns into these wonderful conversations where we each explain our reasons for feeling the way we do without trying to force the other to see things the same way. Healthy debate.

It sounds like you two are incompatible in a deeper sense than just personality traits, and it also sounds like you sit in judgment of her. You think you're better than her. For her part, she doesn't accept that you're not going to change your beliefs, and she wants to change you.

I think you should end it and move on.

@ this thread.

I have nothing to add as some of the responses that I agree with have already been said (Charlotte and Erin).


You should be able to agree to disagree and then have sex j/k sorta

Being able to hear them out and vice versa

And being on the same plane when it comes to deeper issues as Zombie said is what makes opposites work.

Can two opposites make it work?
Not if your name is, Jon and Kate.

for opposites to work you have to have tolerance in common

TitWankSymphonyInGMINOR said:

Pretty much.

But I'd say that generally speaking no. Opposites may attract but ultimately they also eventually repel.

PunkMistress said:

Uh, I don't judge her. I don't think she's a bad person. We just disagree about fundamental beliefs. I believe in making a compromise on both ends where she attempts to change my mind. I don't try to change her mind. She has also gotten emotional and disrespectful where I have not.

sinisterpentatonic said:

LiquidGold said:

if she doesn't change, can you be with her for the rest of your life?

ZombieKitten said:

Well, I never try to change a person, but come to a medium of some sort. I can respect her beliefs without believing them. If she wants to smoke pot, I simply asked her to not do it around me or when I'm with her which was what she did. It wasn't in my face, but we were at a party and she went off to go smoke. She told me ahead of time, but I really wished she hadn't. I had to deal with that for the rest of the night. She can have that kind of fun without me.