okay here's the short skinny:

my step-mother is in hospice with stage 4 cancer. although we were cool when i was younger, i have really grown to kind of resent her and my father for the crappy way they did my mom. her request in december was to see me, which i did stop by and we stayed for about 20 minutes. i'm still kinda reeling from my mom's death in 2007 and the perceived lack of interest on my father's part. so apparently she wants to see me again (as conveyed by my father, even though apparently she's on morphine). so i'm guessing this is posturing on my father's part to get me to come over to an uncomfortable situation. he and i are estranged and i really don't feel like being there.

so i maybe if i just pop my head in and pay my respects everything will be okay, even if it's with reservations.

opinions?


UPDATED:

my step-mom passed away today. we didn't go see her. my sister is kinda broken up about, yet i'm kind of indifferent. we were gonna go see her today, but that nor'easter came through baltimore yesterday and shut the city down. i'm sorry that she's gone, yet glad that her suffering is over. cancer is a bitch. that being said...she lived her life the way she wanted and did the things she wanted to do. the fact that much of her happiness came at the expense of my mom and our family, well that's life. i'll go to the funeral and sit in the back, not on the family row. i hope she rests in peace.

Fury
[Edited 3/2/09 17:45pm]
[Edited 3/2/09 17:55pm]

I would not go. I don't forgive people for shitting on me. They should not have waited to try to make things right with you.

If you can live with your decision, do what you want. This post hits too close to home for me at this time.

sometimes the needs of others are more important than ours. she may feel bad about the way she treated you, and this is her (and your father's) way of reaching out. you'll never regret going, but may at some point regret if you don't.

just my $0.02.

It might be uncomfortable, and once it's done it's done. Let bygones be bygones. She's dying, you won't regret going, but you might regret NOT going. Probably not the right time to be judgemental now She might have been a shitty person, but you don't need to be.
You can continue being estranged from your dad afterwards I guess, OR this may be an opportunity for you guys to have that conversation about your mum if it isn't too early for you yet? (when your anger dies down enough for you).

Vendetta1 said:

they had a torrid affair the entire time my folks were married. he left my mom with 5 kids to be with his soulmate. while i applaud their devotion to each other i just don't feel the internal sympathy program in me on this one. while my mom struggled to pay bills and feed us, he was off on trips to atlantic city and extended vacations. at my mom's funeral, they had the nerve to put a big wreath right up by mom's casket with both of their names on it. i nearly whupped his ass right there on teh spot.

You guys are better than me.

Vendetta1 said:

you have your reasons I bet

Vendetta1 said:

No one is better then a fellow human - we are all just different

Mach said:

I couldn't forgive someone who did that to my mother.

Vendetta1 said:

Nor should you have to

many people would not - and that's okay

just as it's okay for those that choose to forgive- there really is no right or wrong on it

Vendetta1 said:

true
now that we know more

Mach said:

Yeah I could understand if he chose to go. My family got mad at me when my grandfather was dying and I wouldn't be around him. He spent years cheating on my grandmother who had 7 kids by him and spent years beating the hell out of her. She has a scar on my chest from when he toppled a china cabinet on her. I think of that asshole everytime I see it.

Vendetta1 said:

If that were my grandparents situation - I would have not spent time around him either

Death is a fact of life - NOT an excuse for our choices IN life

thats a very hard thing to decide. I would not know unless I was actually in that situation...

IrresistibleB1tch said:

I agree. But then again I also didnt go to my Grandmother's funeral for a lot of the same reasons. But I didn't have 1500 to shell out for a plane ticket either.

KatSkrizzle said:

it can be hard when logistics get in the way.

Vendetta1 said:

in that case, of course not!

It's hard. My sister called me earlier and asked me to come to my parents' house because my Mom's youngest brother had just died. Honestly, I didn't like him. He was rude and arrogant and wasn't very nice to us.
But it hurt me to see my Mom in so much pain. She's distraught, and then my sister and I had to go break it to our 92-year-old grandmother. I've had a hard afternoon; I was originally in bed with a sinus infection.

I plan on standing by my family even though Uncle Don wasn't my favorite human being.

So, I think U should just stop by even tho I agree that it's gonna be hard.
[Edited 3/1/09 17:45pm]

chocolate1 said:

my sisters seem more distraught about her imminent passing than me or my brothers. back in the day, her son was in the same hig school class as my oldest brother...so of course that dipshit would brag to my brother how our father was taking him to the game, buying him shit etc. they would get into fights all the time. i swear everytime i watch the color purple, i see my father in "mister"...right down to trying to make shit right in life at the end of the movie

Fury said:

Follow your heart.
None of us can tell U what to do.

i can really relate to this! there are people in my family that i would NOT see or go to their funeral. sometimes people just hurt you too much and go to far.

If I read this correctly most of the resentment comes from how they did your mom.

What would she do?
Was she generally a forgiving person?
I know mine was. Much more than me. Still, if it were someone's deathbed request I might find it hard not to take the high road and show up.
Like Kitten said, once it's done it's done. If you don't go, what if you regret denying that request? There's no going back.

johnart said:

good point

Fury, no matter how much righteous indignation we can muster, we can never undo the stupidity that transpired years ago. We can only snuff or draw out the effects. If we all refused to inherit past generations' BS, the world may be a better place.

You apparently already know what to do, mate. Go do it... and know that you've got support and prayers being said for you.

IrresistibleB1tch said:

That's the part that I think I would most need to remember if I were in your shoes. You're never going to gloat or look back in jubilation that you didn't give the woman the time day on her deathbed, but if you don't you may have some inkling of regret.

IrresistibleB1tch said:

update bump

Did U make it over there?

I'm sorry.
I scrolled back up and read your addendum after I posted...
[Edited 3/2/09 17:48pm]

you've had your trials, fury. yeah, cancer is a bitch.