Cinnie said:

i wonder why anyone has to be blamed in situations like this. Its all human nature all the way around the board. the only thing i find bizarre is humans' conditioning that we can only love or fuck one other person and that all feeling are lost or do not exist for others. but hurt feeling happen when people believe in this kind of BS.

missfee said:

Dear God, I can't believe I just read that in 2008! The marriage is not just the ceremony, or the excitement of moving in together. It's the day to day LIVING w/ & building a life w/ a mf. Marriage is a contract that's emotional, financial & spiritual. It's to be taken seriously & worked on constantly - it's meant to be for the rest of your life. So why in the world would anyone enter into something like that while leaving such a huge component (like LIVING with someone day in/day out) up to chance?? I'm not trying to change YOUR mind about it, but for me that is some insane shit. I wouldn't take a job without knowing what it entails, I wouldn't take on an assistant without knowing I could be around them for a # of hours a day - I damn sure wouldn't bind myself to someone for life without knowing that we could coexist in harmony first. It's just goofy & based on fantasy, what you hope shit will be like instead of finding out what's really up. There's no way in hell there's "nothing to look forward to" after moving in together, unless moving in is the SOLE reason you're getting married, which would be even more goofy.

How does solidifying your bond w/ the one you love give you "nothing to look forward to"?? I don't get it.

this forum makes me terrified to ever be married, even though i want to be.

horatio said:

too true. Human (especially men) are meant to fuck everything and reproduce as much as possible. It's the reason we have these urges in the first place. It can't be controlled. However, if you choose to ignore those urges, and choose to be with one person in a committed relationship, you should live up to it.

I don't think the ACT itself is wrong, but it's more the fact that the cheater betrayed their significant other's trust.
[Edited 8/10/08 4:37am]

evenstar3 said:

I can see that..just remember NOT every marriage is like that. As long as you talk to your spouse, always be honest, care for the other's feelings, you should be golden!

Volitan said:

and maybe if i ignore it i wont be gay?

evenstar3 said:

I can see that..just remember NOT every marriage is like that. As long as you talk to your spouse, always be honest, care for the other's feelings, you should be golden!

MoniGram said:

True

It's so much easier to just communicate and be honest

For every so called shit marriage I know of I know a beautiful one as well

Mach said:

Actually, I think for many people its much, much harder to communicate and be honest. Its harder, but too bad, so sad...its just what needs to be done.

JustErin said:

\

Okay I can see that point and in reality after Michael's cancer surgery I went through a period where it was very hard to communicate because I did not want to cause him pain on top of his own physical and mental pain. Thank goodness I was able to slap myself hard and get my shit together.

It is exactly what needs to be done in every relationship not just marriage

Too true. Human (especially men) are meant to fuck everything and reproduce as much as possible. It's the reason we have these urges in the first place. It can't be controlled. However, if you choose to ignore those urges, and choose to be with one person in a committed relationship, you should live up to it.

Yes, you are wrong.

CalhounSq said:

I said that if I were to live with someone first I wouldn't have nothing to look forward to. The bond is already there, I know all about what it takes to marriage work and the importance of it just by watching my parents when I grew up, so I'm not taking marriage lightly...I just don't believe in living with someone first. And on top of that, my parents didn't live together first before they got married and did just fine with 20+ years of marriage before my father passed away 7 years ago. But if you do believe in co-habitating first, then thats fine, but i'm talking about myself. If i'm with someone and they HAVE to live with me first to see if "they can be around me all the time" then that's a shitty excuse. So you love me but you can't marry me until you live with me first to see if I snore, if I walk around the house naked, what time I wash my ass in the morning, then that person needs to find somebody else who feels the same. If I got to live with somebody first to "see if I can live with them" before marriage then I don't need to be marrying anybody.
[Edited 8/10/08 7:24am]

Well, I aint get caught in the act, but she did run through a brothers email, cell phone, text messages, credit card charges, and even called and talked to the chick I've been fucking with for about a year now.

So yeah, what now? I love my wife, got history n all, we know how to handle money, it aint never an been an issue, but for the past 6 years in our marriage, i probably been intimate 10 times, and dont even think about saying the word fellatio, aint happening, wasnt like this the first 2 years of the marriage; it was like some porn movie shit, but since then been rebuffed on anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc, went to counseling, the marriage counselor told me to leave, and the whole time, i'm playing that be a good supportive husband role hanging in there being told be patient with me, then it was just recently diagnosed she has a condition that causes a diminished libido and general mood swing and she just started treatment to treat it. When she found out that after 8 years of practical celibacy in the marriage, i finally had to have my needs met. So now we at a crossroads cuz everybody like you violated, she having 2nd thoughts about working it out, but at the core am i wrong?

missfee said:

Like I said, I'm not trying to change YOUR mind about it. I just happen to think it's about as silly as saving sex for marriage - all the important parts need exploration/confirmation...

CalhounSq said:

Well we can just agree to disagree.

Wow, other people making decisions on how two people should decide on how to conduct their relationship. Deep.

Stymie said:

Yeah.

Cinnie said:

Hey, I lived with my now wife for over 5 years before getting married. It wasn't planned that way but I feel happy we did as we knew we were a solid couple by the time we tied the knot, and you know what? Getting married was still a life-changing event that changed the nature of our relationship and how we treated each other. Like taking it to the next level, even after 5 years of living together.

myfavorite said:

and how many wives did 'the book' say those men took?

JustErin said:

Bullshit, I think women get down the way they get down period. I'm not saying SOME don't use excessive sex to get a man. I'm damn sure they DO... I just think, the average ladies lose time for sex after marriage 'cause of other things that distract FROM sex. Now by no means does that give anyone an excuse for shit. They need to have open communication with their spouse. That is the key. S/he needs to tell him/her what the fuck is going on, before shit pops off..

Mach said:

I feel the same when it comes to grief. For example, my bf just lost his grandmother and he was very close to her. Her death was sudden and he is taking it very hard. This is really the first time he has experienced losing someone close (for me i've lost my father and my grandmother - double the pain and had to deal with it) so he is having trouble trying to cope with everything that has happened. I've tried being there for him the best way I know how, since I do know first hand the pain he is feeling, but he has told me often in the past that if someone close to him were to die, he wouldn't know how to handle it and would probably want to be by himself mostly. So here we are, thats exactly how he is dealing with it. I keep suggesting to him that i'm here for him, I just want to comfort him, hug him and tell him that he will be okay in time, but its like he's pushing me away. And in turn I don't know how to deal with the rejection of comfort. When I go to hug him its like he does it reluctantly and tries to act as if he is okay when he really isn't. And when I talk to him on the phone, the conversation doesn't last very long or he'll say he'll call back and won't. I try not to take it personal because it's about his loss and not about me at all...but at the same time I can't help feeling like with me respecting his wishes (giving him space to grieve instead of consoling him) that i'm being a bad girlfriend or that i'm not doing enough or that it looks like I don't care. I often wonder if I should push myself and tell him "no i'm not going to go away because you need a shoulder to lean on so stop pushing me away" or just respect his wishes and keep a distance and just let him come to me if he wants me support....??? What do you guys think? I just don't want to stress him out further if I push myself on him. I've let him know that i'm always here for him whenever he needs me..

I mean in a marriage, how would this be handled?
[Edited 8/10/08 8:41am]

Fauxie said:

I live with someone for 10 years. Wasn't pretty. I really like the idea of separate places for breathing room

missfee said:

Can you just be with him but not talk?
That's what I would do with a friend. Go for a ride, or just go hang out at the house and watch tv or listen to music and read.
If he doesn't want to talk, I'm not there to make him.
He may not want to talk because he doesn't feel he can control his emotions.
Don't feel he has to to demonstrate trust or intimacy with you.
Hug him and let him go and don't say a word.
When and if he's ready to talk, he will. If he never wants to talk about it - don't be offended.

nammie said:

Well, it's no bullshit from what I have seen.

And I will never understand or buy the 'don't have time for sex' excuse. Man, I do it all (and all by myself) and I never and will never not have time for sex - because I love it. People don't just stop doing things they really enjoy. Sex is an escape from all that other madness. And from what I've seen and heard (even from my own married female friends), many women look at having sex with their husband as just another chore. That doesn't indicate that they just don't have the time, that makes it look like it's just not something they actually enjoy.

It's funny that men who are crazy busy and really tired never seem to lose interest because of a lack of time or because they are tired.

JustErin said:

you know my reply to this one
you have the perfect set-up
you are not trying to live with your guys.
you do it your own way all day long and then invite one over for hot sex, a breath of fresh air, a chance to forget your whole day's events and get down to it.
After spending the day in disagreements over household/child-rearing issues with your partner, it's very hard to switch off from all that to fuck his brains out at night. If I could have someone else at that point, someone nice to come over that I didn't actually have to talk to about bills and what's for dinner, sure I would have time for sex

JustErin said:

you know my reply to this one
you have the perfect set-up
you are not trying to live with your guys.
you do it your own way all day long and then invite one over for hot sex, a breath of fresh air, a chance to forget your whole day's events and get down to it.
After spending the day in disagreements over household/child-rearing issues with your partner, it's very hard to switch off from all that to fuck his brains out at night. If I could have someone else at that point, someone nice to come over that I didn't actually have to talk to about bills and what's for dinner, sure I would have time for sex

ZombieKitten said:

Sorry, but I actually have been in long term relationships where I lived with the person and I never, ever had an issue with not having time for sex.

Besides, the issue is not having the time - not whether or not you want to have sex with your partner because you've had disagreements all day. I am a full time mom and work full time - whether I have a man hanging around all day or over for just a few hours isn't what we're talking about here. The point is that I would never be in a position where I just couldn't find the time for sex because my life is just too busy or I am too tired.

And my real point is that if you love sex and are attracted to your partner....you will always have time for sex.

To me, the whole no time for it is just an excuse and not the real reason why they don't wanna get busy.