I know this is a bit lengthy, but it's a serious matter and any words of wisdom or advise would really be appreciated.

My brother and sister-in-law are not doing well and are separated right now. They have been together for 15 years.

There doesn't seem to be any reason per se. my brother is not in love with his wife anymore and apparently he feels this is for the best. Metaphorically, my take is he got on the road a few years back and didn't tell my Sister-in-law how he was feeling until he saw the exit sign. His mind is very set. I did ask him to see a doctor/counselor to make sure that it is not depression. He said he would, but I don't think he will.

I think it's a combination of things...like getting married too young, having kids too young (they got married because she got pregnant...of course this was one week after they broke up), having too many kids etc etc. I think that couples do grow apart and change, but it's how one deals with that and copes that determines the outcome. I don't think Brother has the mechanism to deal with that change. The fact that my bro mentions a past flame in recent conversations (which I have reprimanded him for) I think speaks volumes. You know the "what might have been if I..." which I think is a dangerous road to go down when thinking of where you are presently.

They have not done anything legally, and I think that they should do something soon in that regard. Sister-in-law is a mess and has no idea what she is going to do and feels very helpless and alone. I think she is finally coming to terms that this is happening and that he's isn't going to change his mind. She keeps talking about how he'll will be free and be the fun weekend Dad who will get remarried right away while she is left to deal with everything. IMO, I think she needs to stop feeling so sad and figure out a plan and try not to look at things as so dire...cuz you know divorce happens. I know that's an awful way of looking at it, but it's true. I do feel for her because i think she's going to have the harder time raising 4 kids by herself. I have briefly mentioned that perhaps they split the kids,but even I can't see that.

I have no advice to give her, no words of consolement. I try to listen as best as I can. I have talked to him and he seems to be ok with things...wants her to forget about him and move on with her life (easy to say since he's not going to be burdened with 4 kids). I haven't talked to the kids at all as I am very far away and don't know what I can say or do.




Thanks for reading this if you do.

In this situation there is not much you can do besides listen and be there for support.
Your brother should consider marriage counseling with his wife, it might help her if nothing else.

shanti0608 said:

oh and

There really isn't any advice to give. Like Val said, all you can do is be supportive and loving.

to you for caring so much.

superspaceboy said:

ssb ... it's fantastic that you're not biased in this situation and you're trying to be there for both parties involved. Kudos for that.

I really don't have a lot of words for this ... I think I kinda know what he's going through but anyway ... whatever he does, he can not leave the burden of the 4 kids rest on her shoulders and go play weekend daddy. He made a choice when he married her and he was there when he made the kids. Stepping out of the game and go bachelor would be the cowardest thing he can do. Whatever he wants or does in this lifetime, these 4 people will always be part of it.

I might elaborate in orgnote later ...

Just my

If his mind is made up, remind him of what child support/alimony will cost PER WEEK. Sometimes that's a motivator, sometimes not. Also remind him of why he fell for his wife in the first place and double check as to whether they've grown apart or if he's bored and wants something else. If he's bored, punch him in the face. There's kids involved and a woman who loves him. That's your job as a brother.

As far as your sister-in-law. If her mind has found peace with him leaving, maybe it's for the better. She needs family now more than ever and a feeling of support so that she can also move on with her life while raising kids. Let her know that you'll be there for you nieces and nephews and regardless of what happens, you are all tied together as family.

Be there for them all, that's all you can do with fam who are grown adults.

shanti0608 said:

They went a few times, but he didn't like it. I think he's been along this way of thinking for a couple of years now. Unfortuneatly.

BlueZebra said:

I understand what they are both going through and trying to be empathetic to both. I don't think he's abanndoning them at all. I also don't think he has a real grasp on just how hard it's going to be on his wife. Even if he takes turns and helps financially, which he will do, she still has 4 kids to deal with as well as the house, which she's has no clue how she's going to maintain the payments on.

superspaceboy said:

If his mind is totally made up then there may not be much anyone can do about it.
It is sad for everyone.

Be there for her. Call her often whether she wants you to or not. Other than that there is nothing you can do.

That's terrible really, but if he supports the children financially, etc. then it may be better. I grew up in a loveless family , my mom having married my dad just to get out of a desperate lifestyle in a third world country--sometimes, it's better for the kids to grow up in a single parent household than live in one where one parent doesn't love the other.

Dovorce is all too common and I've seen it in half my friends, each one varying in degrees of severity emotionally. The only thing you can do is be there.

superspaceboy said:

most likely your brother will be legally obligated to keep her and the kids in the house. he'll be the one paying the majority, if not all, of it.

Imago said:

It's hard talking to her as she is crying a lot. What's funny is she was the one to tell me and we've talked way more than me and my brother have (I was friends with her first and introduced them when they were 18).

I agree that it's better to move on than be in a loveless relationship. Kids can pick up on that. I have tried consoling her with the "ordinary yet tragicness" of it all. AND I don't nessa think that everyone should be together forever. I think it goes against Human Nature. But Marriage is marriage. There are going to be times where you are not as close, times when you are bound to irritate the fuck out of each other, times when you are bound to nag each other, or not listen or argue etc.

If it were me...I would bide my time until the kids were well on thier way and THEN reassess. Things can completely change in 10 years. It's not like anything is wrong (abuse, addiction, infidelity - BETTER NOT BE! ). I think it's part depression part mid life crisis.

Thanks Everyone. This is helping. I just wish I could help my sister in law as I feel for her more so than my brother.

JasmineFire said:

It'd be easier to handle all of the details while the children are still at home. There's help you can find if the husband/father won't contribute to living costs and support of the children. If you wait until the kids are grown and gone, the woman might have to choose between a homeless shelter and/or an unhappy marriage.

superspaceboy said:

I don't care if Jesus Christ himself is sitting inside her womb, this is the stupidest reason to get married. Sounds like he did the "right thing" but they broke up for a reason all those years ago. I would not be at all surprised if your brother felt resentful about it the whole time. If he's moving on, so should she.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

edit.
[Edited 7/30/08 15:35pm]

TwinkleBitch said:

If it was that horrific, you could always orgnote me

superspaceboy said:

There's not much you can do. I've been through it. However, I'm not the fun weekend dad though. But most people who are divorced, face this situation. You pretty much summed it up.

Stay clear and wish for the best for them.
.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Preaching to the choir! I cannot believe that when they were having issues and were flip flopping with dating etc (with said old flame) that thats the time they decide to not use condoms. I wouldn't say he was resentful, but it did make up his mind for him. I think it was the biggest mistake he could make was marrying her because of a child.

He did come to peace with it all, or at least I thought he had...a looong ass time ago. I know he's been telling me that he can't talk to his wife just about stuff and that he feels that they don't have any interests in common.

AlienX2050 said:

I actually made a little joke saying to her that she should give him all the kids. Or she should just put it out there and see the shock in his face. She wouldn't/couldn't of course, but it were sure as shock him into reality.

superspaceboy said:

That's why it's a stupid reason to get married. If you don't know someone that well it's a bad idea to get married and the fact that they stayed together this long doesn't mean that resentments weren't entrenched or that they (he) ever go to know each other. Could have blocked it the whole time....

I usually send out a Reiki healing ... I can if you desire

Just orgnote me her 1st name



Much love to you

perhaps you should sleep with her to make your brother jealous

Rightly said:

Nice! Did you think of that yourself? Or speaking of past experiences?
[Edited 7/30/08 18:46pm]