My friend is going thru somewhat of a crisis right now. We've known each other for 18 years, last year her and her hubby moved 6 hours away. They thought I was going to visit them last month (via them picking me up) so she brought up this subject. Her hubby which is 10 years older and in the Army keeps harassing her to have a 3some with another woman. Even to the point that he made her post some ads about it on swingers websites and such. She made a joke about it and asked me and I kindly and firmly refused. She doesn't want to do a 3some but doesn't want to lose her hubby either or she is afraid he will cheat on her. She just got a boob reduction surgery and they look great but he still wants another woman and he doesn't care who or where she comes from.

They have a 2 year old son and I asked her what they would do with him while this 3some went on and she said she would hire a babysitter. By his constant insisting and harassing her about it, wouldn't you see this as a form of abuse? I do! They've only been married almost 4 years. I flat out told her, I said honey this is a way for him to cheat on you in front of your face, do you want that? I told her if she went thru with it, she could never take it back and will have to live with that guilt and regret everyday. What if you do it and he runs off with the other woman. Is that chance worth the risk? To me it's not worth it, sacrificing your self respect and self esteem and morals for this.

She's had trust issues with him when he joined the Army last year, Then he makes several MySpace pages and hides stuff from her, she finds sealed condoms and they never use any and he don't explain why. What else should I tell her before she potentially ruins her life and her marriage from this? Anyone ever been in this situation? Any advice is much appreciated!

NO would be good!

DaVanity said:

Her marriage is already ruined from the sounds of it.

whole thing sounds tragic
it's like blackmail
for him win/win
he either does it in her face, or if she says no, takes that to justify him doing it behind her back
he probably already has been cheating on her, he is probably just laying all his bad conscience on her

DaVanity said:

She's already lost him...or maybe more accurately never really had him.

From what you wrote, there is so much disrespect being shown towards your friend by her husband that it angers me. ...Hopefully she will realize that a life of being made to participate in sexual activities she doesn't want to do and living in a fear of being alone if she doesn't is a million times worse than dealing with life without him in it.

I don't really know what to tell you, other than try not to get TOO much involved (people need to make their own mistakes...something I've learned the hard way), yet supportive when she needs that extra push to do what you both know would be the right thing.

Um, no.
And it doesn't work like that.
If she's not into it, then she shouldn't do it.
And if she's doing it to "keep him",
then she's already LOST HIM.

and she'll be better off for it.

decline and be there for her when the inevitable hits the fan.

orgnote

That poor kid.

That women should not agree to do anything that she does not want or feel comfortable doing.

She certainly should not drag you into the mix.

ZombieKitten said:

I don't think his ugly ass will win him a 3some any day soon

How strange

NO such a powerful word and so simple to use

3 of my closest friends Husbands have made moves on me in one way or another

It's a sad strange thing

Mach said:

It's cuz you're hot.

Strange story by the way. Would it be be better if her husband wasn't ugly? would you have doen it then?

The best adivce you can give your friend is to leave that motherfucker. He's already cheating on her.

DaVanity said:

Well, that's a start.

Stymie said:

awww TY

It's really weird though because it felt like a compliment on one hand and HIGHLY offensive on the other

It really pissed me off and not much PISSES me off

It's not like I was leading them on or anything that would suggest to them I would think about them

These are people I have known for 25 yrs or more

It sounds as though he is VERY immature and a selfish prick.

I have so many opinions on this...

The heart of the matter is though...your friend is feeling backed in to a corner and obviously doesn't want to lose him or else she would have told him to fuck off.... she needs to be VERY clear to him that this is NOT something she desires now and maybe ever. If that doesn't work...she needs to give him his papers....nuff said....

On a side note...no one has ever asked me to be in a threesome.... what the fuck?

Unfortunately people in these types of situations tend not to listen. I only say that 'cause I was that person.

She's just going to have to go through it until she has enough. She'll know when she's had it.

All you can do is tell her how you feel and that you'll be there for her.

Sometimes it works for couples but very rarely. I don't think this case is one of the rarities. He's probably already screwing around with someone else.

Don't take this the wrong way, but it's not your problem. Yes she is your best friend and you want to help her, I understand this. From *my* experience, it's best to just listen and not offer advice. It usually goes in one ear and out the other and then you end up the bad person. My girlfriends have never listened to me, made me out to be the bad person, then came running back a year or two later saying I was right. I just rather not offer the advice anymore.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Stymie said:

or the wife so stinky?
(see deoderant thread )

He's being a complete asshole!!

They obviously are having bigger problems here, if he's trying to bully her into a 3some. Thats pathetic!

Advise your friend to have a good heart to heart with her husband, since some fancy sex is certainly not going to fix their issues

oh my goodness, that happened to me years ago.

i reconnected with a friend of mine from high school, and we were talking on the phone a lot and writing and having a great time catching up, and one day she suggested i spend the weekend just chilling out with her and her husband at their place.

so i'm like, awww, okay, i'll bring some music, pack some stupid movies, we'll drink and have fun and fill out slam books like old times.

welp, i get there and my friend and her husband offer me a beer and start telling me that they're in "the lifestyle". i had just told my friend a few weeks earlier that i was queer as a catfart, so i figured that meant one or both of them were bi, since that was a really popular thing to be in college and we were all kinda freshly post-collegiate.

not quite. they were swingers, and they were bringing this up as a prelude to involve me.

my first defense: "sorry, i'm strickly-dickly".

their retaliation: my friend was all, "oh, that's okay, my husband's versatile and i'll just sit across the room and watch you two."



and um, yeah. awkward. i edged my way out of the discussion by saying i couldn't deal with a girly presence in the room and i placated them by listening to tales of their various icksploits, then the hubby went to bed and my friend and i had the night of 80s music and gossip that i wanted to have in the first damn place.

it was a weird ass moment, though. eeg.

DaVanity said:

Damn, what a fucking jerk. Problem is that she really loves him and reguardless of what she says, does etc ... to try and make him stay by giving what he may want, it's over. Thats one bad feeling and a horrible mess when it goes through. Not a damn thing to make it easier for her, just gotta listen, listen and listen. Maybe tell her to mention to him that she is willing to do what he wants if he helps her out first. She wants to watch husband get wrecked by another man. Never will happen, but if by chance it does make sure video is running for all his military buddies to enjoy as well.

I have a friend that used to tell me all the time that her boyfriend thought I was hot and wanted to have a threesome. She would never flat out ask but she'd bring it up so much that I got the feeling she was hoping I'd say "what the hell. SURE, why not?". I finally had to tell her that I thought it was strange that he would talk about her friends like that in front of her and how I thought it was rude and douchebaggish. She admitted that it annoyed her when he did it and she never brought it up to me again.

And her boyfriend was an uggo, not that it makes a difference.

JuliePurplehead said:

Nah no his ugliness didn't decide it for me, their "marriage" did! I don't like either one like that and she is like a sister to me. He is a pure skeeze ball. I feel way uncomforatable around people like that knowing what their into and what they're thinking . And yeah she smells like a damn dead rat so I bet he has to wear damn nose plugs when he goes downtown on her! I don't want no part of that!

She has low self-esteem and her 4 front teeth are missing and thinks she can't get anyone else because men used her a lot in her past. She's has a hard life. But she got more dick than I did and I shower daily! She has told her hubby no many times she said and he still pursues it to the point of the sexual ads and asking MySpace people for it.

Now on the other hand, if the guy I was dating wanted a 3some with another man and would be ok with that, then I might would go thru with it. I don't know though, I can't deal with regret or guilt. It would eat me up inside. I always considered myself a 1 man woman since I've only been with 1 guy my whole life and that was for 4 years and I'm just 28. I think I'm doing good !

Thanks for the advice I will pass it along. But I do believe the only way of learning is to learn the hard way. And I told her once she does it she can't take it back and it's definitely not worth getting a STD over.
[Edited 7/8/08 20:51pm]

How the plot thickens.....she called me today crying her eyes out about how she hacked into her husbands's computer (they have their own and he'd never let her use his) and what she found. He put a profile up on a swapping website and said he wanted to swap his wife out to another man and he swap for another woman. Like a swinger thing with another couple. She called him about it and he just said " so our sex life needs spicing up" and expects her to be ok with all of this. GRRRRR I hate what he is putting her thru! This is emotional and mental abuse!

DaVanity said:

That's just fucking rude.

Mach said:

Are you that hot or just think your so hot that they were trying to get at you?

DaVanity said:

Why are they married?
See this is the kind of stuff that makes me blow a gasket.
And gay people can't get married but heterosexuals can do all this to marriage?!!

well, i don't know why this friend of yours would continue to entertain the idea of even staying with her husband any longer? i think it's over! but there are alot of woman that just can't seem to use their brain and get out of those bad marriages!

I would say NO