Serious said:

You sure that's not just infatuation as opposed to real love?

SCNDLS said:

The definitions of love and infatuation are really vague IMO. According to some parts of the definitions it is love, depending on others it is infatuation. Anyway real love starts with infatution doesn't it, so how can I know whether it is love in the beginning anyway? Another thing is that I am not totally sure if the English terms are a 100% the same than the Germans, but at least mostly they are.

Serious said:

I agree that love begins with infatuation which IMO is that initial attraction you feel that's immediate, instinctual, and powerful. To me infatuation happens maybe on a chemical level before you even know anything about that person. Love, on the other hand, grows after you've gotten to know who he is. I guess, hell, I don't know.

SCNDLS said:

And what happens if there are so many red flags that you decide to not go for it? Won't you never know then if it is real love?

Serious said:

Of course you won't know. But why bother? If there are so many things that you know you can't work with in a long term relationship, why cause yourself the heartache of falling in love when you know it can't ultimately work out?

Serious said:

I don't go into relationships looking for love because I believe that develops over time anyway. The negative is that the more you get to know someone the greater potential you'll find red flags. That's when I decide if they're dealbreakers or not. The no career/job thing is a biggie for me if we're talking about being in a long term relationship. But if I know you're going in my "casual" box, I could care less. But I ain't taking his broke ass out to eat.

CarrieMpls said:

But I don't have an influence who I fall in love with. Falling in love happens whether I want it or not . So there is no way to avoid the heartache. If there was a way people would choose to only fall for people who it could work with, but life ain't like that.

SCNDLS said:

But you go into a relationship during the state of infatuation?

Serious said:

Sure, but that's the fun part. Until you find out he's got 3 kids with 3 different baby mamas, has bad credit, lives with his mama, changes jobs every few months, has his car in his cousin Pookie's name, needs to hold twenty bucks til payday, thinks we're supposed to go dutch on dates, asks me if I know how to beat a drug a test, only has a cell phone, no landline. All this right here are red flags and thank goodness I'm practical enough to heed the warnings, forget being in love and overlooking all this shit.

Also, maybe "relationship" is too strong for what I'm doing, let's call it romantic exploration.
[Edited 7/2/08 11:49am]

Serious said:

You can't choose who you're attracted to/infatuated with but you CAN choose who to be in a relationship with. You could be gaga over a married man, but you wouldn't go after him, right? Same with men who you know are bad for you.
I'd rather be single than in a bad relationship, even if it is for "love".

CarrieMpls said:

I can choose not to be in a relationship with a man who is bad for me, but I'd still be heart-broken and thus feel miserable.

SCNDLS said:

I know what you mean and for you that's a god way to live your life .But like I said that only works when you know you fall in love with the next guy in the not too distant future.
Oh and please tell me how that "forgetting being in love" goes !

Serious said:

I know people say they have no control over who they fall for but I've always been of the mind that there is some degree of choice when falling in love. It may not be a great deal, but if there wasnt any wouldnt people be falling in love inappropriately, like with your grandma for example. ALso, falling in love also involves physical attraction with most of us having personal preferences. I dont know, its just a thought.


Im rambling edit..
[Edited 7/2/08 12:06pm]

CarrieMpls said:[quote]

Serious said:

[quote]You can't choose who you're attracted to[quote]




How do you think this is determined? Biological?

Serious said:

Girl, I don't know what to tell you, it takes skill or maybe I'm just old and crochety (miserable).

SCNDLS said:

Thank you .

I am old myself .

LleeLlee said:[quote]CarrieMpls said:[quote]

Serious said:

[quote]You can't choose who you're

attracted to

Biological and childhood experiences I think.

LleeLlee said:

The part about physical attraction might be the reason we are not falling in love with our grandmas .

I don't know, I think we might have the choice to fall in love with more people if we try to open our eyes more outside of who we find attractive, but I don't ever see myself falling for someone who I don't find physically attractive. And I don't think I have a chance to avoid falling in love with somebody I don't want to apart from trying to run away within the first minutes and that's not always an option .

LleeLlee said:[quote]CarrieMpls said:[quote]

Serious said:

[quote]You can't choose who you're

attracted to

maybe... how is any of our taste determined? how do we determine our sense of style, our favorite food, our attraction to friends, etc.
I think some of it is learned, though. I think we learn from past flirtations/relationships/whatever what works and what doesn't, I think some of it is based on what we know will be compatible or not.

CarrieMpls said:[quote]LleeLlee said:[quote]


That's an interesting thought. I wish it was like that for me.
[Edited 7/2/08 13:00pm]

CarrieMpls said:[quote]LleeLlee said:[quote]


One of my ex-boyfriends told me that one of the reasons why he was attracted to me was because I had a similar personality and body type as one of his babysitters when he was younger.

I feel like if you are self aware of your own relationship/attraction patterns then it's possible to learn from past experiences and I know that I have done that to a point.

I also feel like you need to be my love advice person. Seriously. You were right about that pothead and all of your posts on this thread are making tons of sense to me. I don't care that you're single...you're also not miserable or stuck on some asshole-jerk-man, which is more important to me.

Serious said:

JasmineFire said:

the heart is delicate ... falling in love many times? No .. too much on the heart (to go through alot of heartache) ... should be someone compatible ..who thinks alike as you do....

ZombieKitten said:

Thank you !

Serious said:

I have a REALLY hard time distinguishing between the two.

minneapolisgenius said:

I get lust mixed up with those too since I have in my limited experience not actually lusted after anyone I wasn't already in love with.

minneapolisgenius said:

I don't understand why the fact it doesn't work means that it wasn't/isn't love. In my understanding love is a feeling and has nothing to do with practicality .

ZombieKitten said:

Lust is mixed up in there too with me, yet I don't have to be in love with them (whatever that even means...I don't even know anymore ) to be in lust. That follows pretty quickly though in my experience. Or whatever my definition/feeling of being in love is anyway. But eventually it all wears off sooner or later. I get bored of people really quickly I'm sorry to say. I wish I wasn't like that actually.

minneapolisgenius said:

once I have sex with someone, I'm usually in love with them by that stage but then I only ever had 4 different partners over the last 20 years, all of them in 1994

Serious said:

Exactly! There's also that whole thing about loving someone and being "in love" with someone. There is a difference to me. And they both feel completely different too.

I'm addicted to that "in love" feeling I think. I have to go off and listen to this now...