Stymie said:

Same.

I've never dated a professional, or a dude with (his own - not family) money.

Maybe I should start caring about that stuff.

JustErin said:

are your dudes at least educated?

ZombieKitten said:

Maybe not all college grads but none of them are stupid...very, very far from it.

this is a good question! to me wealth doesn't matter. when i met my husband it really didn't enter my mind what kind of job, or how much money does he have. i took time to get to know him for who he really is, and i just loved him for his mind and his kindness. he wasn't any where near wealthy when i met him, and neither was i. it was a soul connection.

hokie said:

I completely agree. And then you look back on all those things and it's so creepy how everything ALWAYS ends up fitting in

JustErin said:

I guess I mean not IGNORANT stupid
cause I personally haven't cared so much for what job they have or whatever, but they have to be intelligent and sensible and aware.

CarrieMpls said:

I think you know a lot.



I guess what my real question is what incompatabilities do you overlook or try to work with and which ones make you think or know that the relationship is not going to work out?

JasmineFire said:

That's the eternal question.

kimrachell said:

That's wonderful but a soul connection only goes so far in the everyday world. I have soul connections to many of my former boyfriends but we aren't meant to be in relationships together.

It seems like in order for a relationship to be successful there has to be something other than just a "soul connection".

JasmineFire said:

common goals, similar attitudes, family values

my friend the marriage counsellor says 80% of marriage difficulties arise from money and differing attitudes to saving and spending, AND family and in-laws.

ZombieKitten said:

from what i've seen in my life, that sounds just about right.

JasmineFire said:

usually how far into "dating" do you find these things out though?
what if you plan to marry, and doing the marriage education course (the catholic church makes you take here - pretty in-depth questionnaires ) you find out you're totally incompatible? what then? is being aware of issues going to make things easier?

ZombieKitten said:

that's what i would like to know.

JasmineFire said:

OK
suppose you don't have sex before marriage
and the safety net here being women (especially) can think with their heads instead of their bonding hormones, and look at the relationship rationally.
Smart eh!
EXCEPT those bonding hormones (same ones we get when nursing our babies) kick in just from cuddling!!!! and addle our brains anyway, I wouldn't just be blaming sex. That feeling of closeness that makes us believe we are in love and a "team" in this together, are the result of frikking chemicals who don't know us very well when it comes to the practicalities of a long term living arrangement.

ZombieKitten said:

I know that folks who are romantics/idealists hate to acknowledge that this plays a HUGE part in the long-term success of any relationship but it's sooooo true and unavoidable if you live together. If you don't have the same phylosophy or work toward a consensus about how you feel about or manage money together, it's a recipe for marital/relationship disaster or at the very least conflict.

SCNDLS said:

It all depends. My ex and I had the same exact philosophy about money and morals. Our families were great and we had no stress or grief from them.
We were exactly the same in many ways especially money.

I guess for me connection, communication and respect was more important than money.

I agree that money is a big stress for many couples especially if you are raising children.
I think it is important to discuss as much as you can with your partner before you go in to a serious relationship with them.
For me, you can never know too much about a person before you commit.

rhamiel said:

Of course there are different factors that contribute to the success OR failure of a relationship. I'm just saying that so many people get caught up with the butterflies and take a "money doesn't matter" approach to love and don't have those conversations with their significant other which can be disastrous in the long run.

CarrieMpls said:

True.
But I could never be in a relationship with someone I don't love either no matter how nice or rich or good looking or whatever the man might be and how much we would have in common and how perfect we might seem as a couple. Money doesn't make you happy.

CarrieMpls said:

You know a lot...you know yourself and what you want in a partner. You are not willing to settle..nothing wrong with that.

Serious said:

neither could i. this thread isn't about money instead of love....it's about money and practicality in the midst of love.

JasmineFire said:

Exactly. These concepts are not mutually exclusive to me. Again, IMO, the key is finding a good balance between the idealistically romantic and the practical.

SCNDLS said:

In theory yes, but that only works if you fall in love easily and thus have a number of men you can choose from. If that's not the case the chances are not good to fall in love with someone who is the right one from a practical point of view.

SCNDLS said:

That's the exact issue i'm struggling with.

Serious said:

But if they're not the right one from the practical point of view then are they the right one at all?

if you can't live together, manage your finances together, AND be in a commited relationship together, then what's the point? You may as well be single.

I've seen many women fall into relationship because they are in love and then slowly but surely realize that they've made the wrong choice.

JasmineFire said:

Yeah I know, that's the problem and a good question . No wonder so many people are being single.

Serious said:

I think I'm too pragmatic to truly ever fall in love. I've never been in love, I think, because my practical side is always raising red flags. These warning signs may not have anything to do with how I feel emotionally OR how he treats me but they point to other issues that I KNOW in the long run will be problematic and are dealbreakers. So I shut down the romantic feelings before they get too far along. This may not be the ideal approach but I KNOW it has saved me from marriages and relationships with men that were ultimately not right for me. If it means a lifetime of singlehood, so be it, cuz I'ma be happy with or without a man. As opposed to the alternatively which is being miserable with one.

SCNDLS said:

I am the kind of person who falls in love with somebody within seconds, so I don't have a chance to have an influence on how I feel. The only choice I have is to follow my heart or not when there are the red flags you mention .

Serious said:

Seconds? Really?

SCNDLS said:

I am totally fascinated at the very first sight and as soon as the first words are exchanged it turns out if the fascination is still there and it usually is. So it probably takes less than a minute. Of course I don't know anything about the person yet when I fall in love.

JasmineFire said:

exactly, which is why I said "It's finding someone who I can work with in all the relationship ways AND fall in love with that is the trick. "