http://www.apa.org/monito...ernal.html

THE LOVE DRUG
The eternal question: Does love last?


One school of thought holds love is destined to ebb. Another finds it all depends on the lovers.


Laurie Meyers
Monitor Staff
Print version: page 44

Some psychologists say romantic love endures, while others disagree. Here's a look at both sides.

Every flame dies down

Romantic, passionate love is fleeting, says Elaine Hatfield, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Hawaii who has been studying love since the 1960s. “Passionate love provides a high, like drugs, and you can't stay high forever,” she says. In fact, companionate love—the less passionate, but affectionate emotion that is associated with long-term commitment—declines over time as well, says Hatfield.

In 1981, Hatfield and fellow social psychologist Jane Traupmann, PhD, performed a series of interviews that assessed the level of passionate and companionate love in a random sample of 953 dating couples, newlyweds and older women who had been married for an average of 33 years. In findings presented in a chapter of the book “Aging: Stability and change in the family” (1981. New York: Academic Press), they found that passionate love decreased precipitously over time. Asked to rate their feelings on a scale that included the responses “none at all,” “very little,” “some,” “a great deal,” and “a tremendous amount,” steady daters and newlyweds expressed “a great deal” of passionate love for their mates, but starting shortly after marriage, love declined steadily, with the group of older women saying that they and their husbands felt “some” passionate love for each other.

“The prevailing wisdom was that passionate love would last for a few years and then companionate love would grow, but it also declines,” notes Hatfield, who has continued to write and give presentations about passionate and companionate love. She adds that it tends to decline at the same rate as romantic love, and generally never stops declining. Hatfield's findings are backed by other, more recent research. In a 1999 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 76, No. 1, pages 46–53), social psychologist Susan Sprecher, PhD, found that couples in relationships may subjectively feel like their love and commitment is increasing with time, but it is actually declining. In a study of dating couples, Sprecher administered two questionnaires to each member five times over a four-year period. The questionnaires included a survey asking about feelings of love, satisfaction and commitment and another one that contained scales to measure actual levels. She found that in the second round, love decreased for men and satisfaction decreased for both sexes. However, for the couples who stayed together, measures of commitment increased. Interestingly, she also found that among couples who broke up, both men and women were likely to report a decrease in satisfaction and commitment before the break-up, but no change in feelings of love.

So what keeps marriages and other long-term relationships together? Passionate love must come back intermittently, like small sparks that keep the relationship smoldering, Hatfield theorizes.

She does allow that there “are some couples with really good marriages who have come to love, like and understand each other, and so the companionate love is maintained or even grows.”

Both fan the flame

Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, PhD, thinks that love doesn't have to decline, but in order for it to flourish, both partners must share the same love “story.”

For Sternberg, a former APA president who is dean of the School of Arts and Sciences at Tufts University and has been studying love since the 1980s, the logical psychological theories about love—including his own—were at odds with the way people actually think about love: Most people seem to see it as story-based.

“I was interested in the fact that people seem to relate strongly to love stories,” he says, noting that people seek them out in books, magazines, on television and in the movies.

“Is there any way to capture the story essence?” he wondered.

In a series of interviews in the 1990s with college and graduate students who ranged in age from 17 to 26 years old, Sternberg identified about 25 stories that people use to describe love. As Sternberg detailed in his book, “Love is a story” (1998. New York: Oxford University Press), the stories range from the “travel” story (“I believe that beginning a relationship is like starting a new journey that promises to be both exciting and challenging”) to the “humor” story (“I think taking a relationship too seriously can spoil it”) to the “autocratic government” story (“I think it is more efficient if one person takes control of the important decisions in a relationship”). In the 2001 study published in the European Journal of Personality (Vol. 15, No. 3, pages 199–218), Sternberg and his co-authors found that the type of story wasn't the deciding factor in forming a lasting relationship, but having matching stories was.

It's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, but it's important, says Sternberg.

“If the stories don't match, sooner or later people become unhappy or unfulfilled,” he found, adding that the more people's stories matched, the happier they were.




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haha

that is way too much for me to read

Dude, you're asking me to read some potentially unromantic stuff on QuirkyAlone Day?

ThreadBare said:

Yep. It seemed fitting.

ZombieKitten said:

thats too much for me to read too

but it's a good question

veronikka said:

Avoidance.

Adisa said:

Too.

veronikka said:

the answer is something like "yes, if you work at it actively" that is what they teach at Marriage Ed.

ZombieKitten said:

Ahhh, but "work" and "love" are not the same, are they?

Adisa said:

I could give a really long answer to this, but it would feel too much like work

ZombieKitten said:

Most people I know, dont love each other anymore, sad really, doesn't give one much hope

It all depends on the Love applied, but if we are talking about the love between a Man and a Woman, well, the answer is NO. It is merely illusion, which has been proved scientifically,medically and pyschologically. As humans we will naturally argue this point, as we simply dont want to admit the truth. For a simple proof of all this, listen to your friends next time you are out, there will be little sign of LOVE

veronikka said:

maybe if you let it all go, and don't try to stop it, that's what happens, especially if you expected it to just work by itself with no effort

Whitnail said:

Seems like you're in agreement with the other psychologists whom believe that it is mostly "story" driven. I agree. Narrative Therapy is my theory of choice, and I'm a stron believer of the Social Exchange Theory as well.

And yes, my wife knows that's what I believe.

ZombieKitten said:

I totally agree with you on this, Love, is a working affair, after the initial swoom is over, it is an uphill struggle, but those that play fair....Win

Adisa, thanks again for the V-Day uplift. You didn't have to do it, but you chose to anyway.


Ya turkey.


hey, tell your girl to holla at me, while I yet may be found.

Adisa said:

If I gotta work at something, I don't want it.

Does love last? In my case, no. I look back at the times I thought I was in love and realize that four out of five times, I really wasn't. I was in love with the idea of that person and soon enough, their true colors would show and they would not be worthy of the adulation.

The fifth time? It was worth the pain of the other four. I will probably love that man til the day I die.

Does love lasts?...Yes.

Do relationships last? That's another story altogether.

Stymie said:

obviously if only one of the couple is doing any work, there is no point.

We got to the point where we had to say "do we want to stay together?" yes we do. and then some/a lot of things had to be worked on to avoid disappointment and resentment, and to keep communications lines open. Those decisions aren't made by themselves.

Stymie said:

Adisa said:

Love is very story driven, those first feelings of having a crush or love for someone are amazing, which is why i would never deny the genius of Shakespeare et al, but when the feeling goes a different one arrives. The biggest problem with love, is that reality always butts in and basically grounds it all, and what once was perfection becomes flawed.

There are very few people in this world who find real love.

Most people find someone who meets some lame physical or financial or psychological need. These are the people who have to work to stay together. If they don't they're miserable, they divorce, or they get side pieces and look the other way.

Just about everyone else finds someone they get along with who shares their views.

Dance said:

At the org

I think you can find an example for all theories, even for monogamy.

Byron said:

I think because the relationship part takes work to maintain that some see "Love" as work

Love for me does not require work RELATIONSHIP does

Mach said:

Agreed!

Abd you can have one without the other, most definitely.

CarrieMpls said:

Yes - I know I do anyway

Every relationship, even a love relationship takes constant work.
I had one of those long term relationships out of convenience and we had a lot in common personality wise. We were together for 10 years, split once because there was no passion. Then eventually realised that we were nothing more than room mates.
I cannot speak for a long term passionate relationship unless you consider almost 2 years long... which in most ways I do not think it qualifies as long.
I think that love can last if both ppl realise that there will be some (constant) work required. I do not think most of us consider what it takes to keep a relationship going before we step into one. I know for a fact that it takes two ppl that are willing to work and stay committed to the relationship for it to stay alive and healthy.
It is like most things in life.. nothing survives without being fed and cared for.
Relationships are no different.

I read your entire post Adisa btw.
Great question & subject.

shanti0608 said:

This is a great thread.

I guess I am not understanding what you guys mean by work?