i havent had to deal with death a lot in my family. my dad died on my 18th birthday - but i was young and wasnt able to fully understand how many times in my life i would be sad because of that loss... plus my father and i were not real close when he passed - i have worked the next 18 years of my life to be able to forgive and learn a new understanding of him... anyway, this is not about him right now...

look, my sister died on thanksgiving morning this year and i still dont think i have processed this. i have seen the funeral, the memorial pictures, the announcement from the funeral i got nothing.

i mean, yeah, im sad... but you dont understand... my sister and i were very close, and i KNOW i am going to miss her horribly. in fact, how crazy is this - this is SO strange that my first feeling is that i should call her to talk about it because thats what i would do in this situation is call her and ask her opinion and advice.

im afraid that either when this hits me, it will really be hard to deal with... but most of all im worried because i havent had the reaction that i know i should be having. i know myself well, and this just doesnt feel right i feel like im having someone elses reaction.

i have been very strong around my mother - she needs that right now... but seriously, this is a huge loss in my life... am i some kind of cold hearted monster because i am not having the right reaction?

Reactions can come sometimes years after an event.


I remember when my dad died, I had not spoken to him in about 5 years. I had absolutely no reaction when I buried his ashes, and listenned politely to the Eulogy being given. No anger for the coldness he had shown me, no remorse for not having a male rolemodel, no regrets that it ended in a heart attack--just nothing.
3 years later for no apparent reason when I was up visiting my mom I drove to his tombstone and cried my eyes out alone for an hour.



I feel for your loss and you will experience what you need to when the time is right.

Ur not cold hearted.
Sorry about ur loss.

Sometimes, it takes more time than others to react to death.
And plus, we grieve differently. Some may cry while others work their behinds off to no end.

I have dealt with 11 family deaths in the past 2 years and I have yet to grieve. I use to think that made me cold hearted, weird, all kinds of things but it doesnt.
I guess its different and comes at different times for us all.

thanks dan

i understand and appreciate your words of wisdom and i feel your pain, im sorry for your loss

her and i were so very close... she is my older sister, now i am the oldest child. i feel like my other siblings will never understand me the way she did. she was my go to girl - you know, for fun stuff, girl stuff, anger stuff, family stuff - you name it, she was it.

im embarrassed to say it, i think the truth is im angry that she left me

i am very selfish i know, but noone else seems to understand me like she did

you are certainly no cold-hearted monster, and imago is correct -- there is no timetable dictating emotion or grief, and your reaction to the loss of your sister will come when you are ready.

please dont expend energy worrying why you are reacting how you are. thats not fair to yourself. just allow yourself to feel what you feel as you feel it, and youll come to terms with whats happened in your own way.

all my best to you, nakedpianoplayer.

DanceWme said:

goodness! im so sorry for all those losses... you've been through a lot

i appreciate your words. i guess this is part of the death process. like i said im new to this kinda thing... i just really feel like shes not gone and sometimes i am so 'removed' that i start to wonder what all the fuss is about... its SO unreal to me that i have to remind myself shes gone. i cannot tell you how many times through this i have started to call her

WillyWonka said:

thank you your words are kind

There's not much to add to the wisdom that's here already. All of your feelings are justified, and you will process this and heal in due time.

My heart goes out to you, and I pray for your comfort.

nakedpianoplayer said:

Yeah.
The wound is still fresh. U wanting to call her and u feeling she's not gone is normal.

Only time will heal this.

nakedpianoplayer said:

you arent selfish, and dont be embarrassed to express your emotions. expressing that emotion will only help you to heal.

anger at the person who has passed is common. the reaction may seem irrational, but the feeling of being left behind - abandoned, really - by the loved one, is a natural human response.

youre a goodhearted and loving lady, nakedpianoplayer, who has just lost someone very, very dear. dont try to hard right now to examine the whys behind your reactions to that loss, or to ascribe reason to them.

i was angry with my sister for years for leaving me.
rationally we know they didn't leave us but it's hard not to feel abandoned.
maybe you need to go to a kickboxing class or something
get angry. vent. other emotions will follow.

but my god woman you are still processing. don't force it.
lots of love to you.

Both my parents died in 1997, 2 months and 2 days apart from one another from separate health problems. My father passed away first, while I was sad, I did not fall apart like my siblings (we were all adults in our 30's at the time) I felt so guilty for not grieving the way my siblings did, did I love him less then they did? no. When my Mom passed away 2 months later, it hit me, I now also lost my Mother. I went into the worst depression, it was during this time that I also started to morn for my Father. It takes time for it all to sink in, the finality of it all. I am a very spiritual person, and my faith helps me to believe that they are both in a better place. Take your time, you are no monster.

Lammastide said:

thank you

WillyWonka said:

thank you so much

your words are very comforting

emm said:

love back to you girl

funny, my mom recieved a yoga class for christmas this year - it seems to be helping her a bit, perhaps i will get into something...

PaisleyPark5083 said:

your post was so sad to me i feel so badly for you to have lost both of your parents so close like that, thats so much for you to go through

i am a spiritual person as well and that belief is one of the only things that i think has got me to this point where i am now... yeah, im mad she left me, and yeah i feel like shes really still around somehow, also im so happy shes not in pain anymore... but, if i didnt BELIEVE with all my heart that she was in a wonderful, wonderful place i would be beside myself...

nakedpianoplayer said:

Your reaction is totally normal. I was extremely close with my grandmother and when she died I was very matter of fact about it. I was in my abusive relationship at the time and didn't have the emotional energy to give to her passing. It wasn't until 6 years later that I actually mourned her. One day I was cleaning my apartment and I thought of her and burst into hysterical tears. It wasn't that I didn't care. It was that I cared too much and as protection I guess, I felt nothing over it.

I didn't know your sister passed and I'm so sorry to hear this baby. It will be 2 years since my cousin's murder and I know how hard it is to lose family, especially when they are young. If you EVER need to talk, I am here for you

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

thank you so much sweetie

im feeling better after reading these words of wisdom, for awhile there i was starting to think i was totally losing my mind and feeling crazy...

thank you again, and i think you are right, maybe to some degree its a protection against the feelings im sure are comming

thank you again hug:

mdiver said:

thank you

nakedpianoplayer said:

Like others have said, the feelings will come. There is no wrong or right to grief. Really everyone does it differently. I too thought I was evil for not crying or even reacting when my grandmother died. Having the luxury of hindsight I know that it was because it was too much. You'll deal with this and get through it. I love you very much. Never hesitate to lean on my shoulder when you need it and don't worry about getting it wet, it's used to it

There have been a lot of times when people close to me have died when I was sitting there worrying why I wasn't feeling more sad. But, you know, it always comes. Whether it's when you find out they died, or when it's time for the funeral, or a week later, or a month, or a year. It comes. Sometimes it's harder if it takes longer, but you will go through it. And it's something that you'll want to let come. Let yourself feel it when it comes, even if you aren't expecting it when it happens.

.
[Edited 3/4/08 1:43am]

I'm so sorry to hear about this, npp. Excellent posts on this thread. Keep being there for those that need you but allow yourself time and don't feel bad about the way you feel. This is perfectly natural for you. Everybody's different and reacts differently. It'll come and then it'll subside. What lasts are all the beautiful memories.

awwww, you guys... this is a perfect thread to my heart, you are all so very kind and sweet and your words are so comforting! its hard to explain, i feel like i cant really talk to my mom about the parts of sadness because i dont want to put her back in the sadness place... i was so worried for her in the beginning of this. the book i read helped me so much, its called '90 minutes in heaven' and it gave such a beautiful picture of heaven and what that experience is like that i felt so comforted and calm about it. we say 'they are in a better place' a lot when someone passes, but this was such a beautiful read, it just settled my heart and made me feel so good for her... of course the bible studying i have done is a fantastic help as well.

i guess to expect that i would have wrapped up my feelings nice and neatly within a month and a half is expecting too much... i was just concerned because i dont think i've even begun to touch my emotions about this topic. and i guess the reason i want to call her so much is because everytime i have huge emotional times in my life its HER i call to talk to...

i miss her, i miss her a lot... and my heart breaks for her kids, however, they seem to be doing well - we are waiting to see how this is going to hit them. but, living with a single mom who has cancer and is in and out of the hospital with so many people in and out of the house, perhaps it is that they are in a peaceful home with security around them and they are just processing this in their own way... i am much older than them, and i cant IMAGINE losing my mom...

you all have such great words that you have shared, and i want you to know i will reflect on this thread many times for strength when i need it... i cant thank you enough what happens here on the org really is family like and my heart is comforted by your words, thank you so very much

Your family is in my prayers
I am glad this thread has helped you, we Orgers have a very genuine way of pulling for one another in the time of need.

You are in my prayers.

I was angry for a long time, the loss of 2 brothers at one time is so heart breaking.

I read books on loss, I visited with a therapist... The grief is great, but I healed over time... but one will never forget..