okay, i know a lot of you are understandably curious.

towards the middle of october, i started feeling not-so-great. i came down with a weird cough, and so i finally quit smoking, thinking that was the cause.

when it didn't go away, i gave in and did something i freakin' hate doing; i went to a doctor. she diagnosed it as acute bronchitis, prescribed me some meds, and sent me on my way. this was on a monday.

by friday, my breathing had become a little labored, and i assumed it was part of the bronchitis. i called the doctor to let her know, and got a prescription for an inhaler. by monday, it was becoming hard to breathe, and so a few days before halloween, i cabbed it over to a hospital and checked myself in via the emergency room.

it ended up that i had p.c.p. pneumonia, (no relation to the drug pcp) which is a very deadly form of pneumonia specific to people with aids. it was pretty bad. they put me on tons of meds, and started demanding i pick a proxy in case i became unable to make decisions. there was some pretty harrowing moments in the hospital, including a portion of my left lung collapsing, and some scatological anecdotes i will spare you the details of.

but i survived and persevered, just as i always have and always will. i also finally decided, while in the hospital, that "perseverance" is what i am going to get as my first (and likely only) tattoo. i have been trying to decide what i could live with as a tattoo for 12 years now. if i still think it is a good idea in 6 months, i am going to get it in very small black times new roman font somewhere that can be hidden.

i ended up being in the hospital for almost 3 weeks, most of which was in icu. because of the various breathing apparatus (apperatuses? apperati?), and the difficulty breathing (even eating was an exhausting chore: could get about 5-6 chews then had to take a break), talking was either impossible, or very very difficult. they first had this insane machine on me that was strapped to my head and basically is an air cannon shooting into your lungs... it freaking SUCKS. the experience of it was like having your head out the window of a car moving at about 80 miles an hour, but not being able to put your head back in the car. for the several days i was on that, talking was completely impossible, as i was only allowed to have it removed by a tech person when eating. they bought me a magnadoodle, and all my communication was done through that. once downgraded to the face mask, i could talk, but only marginally. if you have ever watched "malcolm in the middle", i sounded almost exactly like the kid in the wheelchair from that show for some time. everything came out sounding like this: "i can get (wheeze) about three to (wheeze) four words out before (wheeze) i have to (wheeze) stop and (wheeze) catch my breath. (stop talking, recover, attempt to get breahting normalized)

not fun.

anyway, once i got out of the hospital, i found out i had lost my job, something i had anticipated. a week before all of this started, i discovered they were interviewing to replace me, and i asked them about it. they told me they were getting rid of all of the freelancers (which i was) and combining some of the jobs of the freelancers, and that i would very likely be replaced.

i had missed work for almost 3 weeks, all without pay.

so unfortunately, i became jobless, which is just as well, because i am still recovering, and will be for some time. i am not telling anyone how low, because i don't want to freak people out, but my t-cell count is pretty damn low. it will be some time before i am able to work again.

and i became homeless. with having missed so much work, i could not keep my apartment at the very expensive $1470 a month, particularly since my roomie moved out right after i got out of the hospital, which i also knew pre-illness was going to occur. this was just as well, too, since my lease was ending next month anyway, and after the psycho hose beast this last roomie was, didn't have the energy or desire to find a new roomie.

on top of that, i am still pretty frail. i lost about 15 pounds in the hospital, and because of the difficulty breathing, was not allowed to walk for 2 weeks. my legs and feet ache from the inactivity, and the muscles siezed up some. i have to take small steps and walk kind of slow, especially if there are stairs involved, which tend to strain my breathing now. thankfully, this should be only temporary, until the muscles build back up and get properly stretched, but it does make it hard to move about nyc, which is full of stairs and requires a lot of walking.

for a few days, i became convinced i was going to have to move back to texas and let my mother and her connections with the aids assistance programs there take care of me.

but, thankfully i have incredible friends here in nyc. so, i am staying with them until i am able to get my life back on track. as you can probably imagine, while i am dealing with being extremely ill, jobless, and homeless fairly well, depression and anxiety have become major issues.

but there is some silver lining in all of this mess. i am now monitoring my health and going back on the hiv/aids meds, something i had not been doing for several years. there is a program here in nyc that will be covering rent on a studio or 1 bedroom up to a certain price, as well as food, meds, and so on until the time comes that i am able to work again, and if i get sick again, they will cover me again, as long as i am in nyc.

so, i pretty much became a new yorker for the rest of my life during all of this.

and the clinic that took me on is one of the best in the country, and was one of the first few to even pay attention to what was happening in the early days of this disease, when it was being discovered. my doctor is one of the first 40 doctors worldwide to treat people living with hiv/aids. the clinic also covers damn near everything, from medical doctor to psychologist to eye doctor to dietician to dental and so much more. they are taking VERY good care of me. just in the week and a half i have been out of the hospital, i have been to see them several times, and paid almost nothing. they are finishing out my anti-bacterial meds to treat the lung problems, have me on anti-depressants, steroids, and soon on anti-viral meds for the hiv.

****

thank you for all of the prayers, positive energies, and so on. it was very helpful. i am sorry i did not type all of this up sooner, but i was extremely busy between packing everything, getting it moved, cleaning my old apartment, and going for several different appointments at the clinic.

i also didn't want to freak people out by typing something when it was really scary and uncertain as to what was going to happen to me. i wanted to wait until the dust had settled a bit on being jobless, homeless, and wether or not i would be able to stay in ny, or if i was going to have to flee to texas.

the friend i am staying with does not have internet, so my exposure to the the net and therefore the org will be pretty limited for a while, but i will check in as i can.

the best part is that i finally quit smoking... for good.

much love and thanks,


chris
[Edited 11/26/07 18:29pm]

So good to hear from ya, man.

We'll continue to lift ya.

And, that's an awesome tattoo idea.

Don't know you, but I'm damn sure praying for you...

to perseverance... stay strong and I am continually praying for you Chris

cborg .. have never chatted with you, but I sincerely wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers.

Im gonna continue to pray for u Chris.

OMG Chris! I just want to put my arms around you...what a horrific ordeal! I'm so relieved to hear things are better and you just keep on perservering...

Love and prayers,
B.

You are in my prayers. Much love, Dawn

Stay strong Cborg, we miss you!! I will pray for your health and that good things come your way, take care.

Keep your head up, I'll keep sending the positive vibes...just glad you're on the mend.
[Edited 11/26/07 18:41pm]

just saw this now, and wondered if you are/were the guy the sticky is about, then i saw the signature and realised you are. An amazing read, reading your thread right now, has given me inspiration, for a variety of reasons, you sound very positive and strong, keep going, you are on the right road and dont, as U2 say, let the bastards bring you down.

Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Peace

Thank you so much for keeping us posted on how you are doing.

You have been through more in the past 8 weeks than I have in the past 8 years. Perseverance, you in one word.

Bless you sweetie! I'm so glad that you have a support system now. The clinic you have found...amazing. Just so generous.

Anyway, still sending love and 's your way. You are so loved.

I want to come over to NYC to give you BIG hugs

Hey buddy! I am so glad you're out of the hospital. It sounds like there are some AMAZING angels taking care of you!

I hope your recovery is swift and your health stays strong. We're gonna need you if we're gonna beat back those dastardly Republicans next year!

Much love and prayers!

I love you, borgy.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much but as you said it sounds like some positives have come out of all of this and for that we can all be thankful. Perserverance, indeed. I'm going to give you the biggest hug ever next time I see you.

All my love and positive energy to you.

glad to hear you are on the mend! one day at a time my friend!

Dude, you are an incredible survivor. All those things would have surely killed me. I'm in awe of your perserverance.

One day at a time

Wow. I admire your strength and will through all of this. Your friends are very special, I'm glad you have them. Get well soon.

Chris, thank you SO much for taking the time (considering how busy you are) right now to have tapped that all out for us. We love you and miss you so much out here in CA.

I am utterly speechless at what you had to endure in the ICU. Incredible. Thought it probably seemed like a lifetime in there, I am amazed at the difference in your health in these few short weeks. You, Mr. Borgman, are truly PERSEVERANCE personified.

It's been over a year since we've met, but your infectious giggle is hardwired into my memory. You're remarkable all around and we've all been praying deeply for you. I'm so thankful we have such wonderful medical programs for +people. It makes my heart swell. I have a dear friend in NYC who regularly contributes to The Body HIV/AIDS resource website. They're located at W 57th street (I'm completely clueless as to how far that is from you). They MIGHT be hiring administrative staff right now--I sent a message to him to see, just for the hell of it.

Incredible, how fast you've mended over these weeks. Your strength is fucking inspiring, friend. Love ya.

Jana

Glad to hear you are better, everything else will fall into place with time.

You are amazing. I love you and so thankful that you're feeling better and gotten into the awesome NYC program! When I read about you losing your job and apt I nearly had a heartattack. I'm sending you an Org note

You've handled all this stuff in way that truly inspires, Chris.
You da man, my fellow org-bother.

Chris You know, there have been many threads on the subject of HIV and I have been absent from nearly every one of them because I always have had this elaborately planned response that was not just a few sentences in length. In otherwords, I intended to type a damn novel I'm sure you know how I get when I start typing for real.

I hope you have never taken this as my not caring enough about the issue, or about you. I love you SO MUCH it's not even funny and reading about the possibility of you dying is just too much for me to bear. I have been there myself, with my recurring appendicitis. I was sick for 5 years and it just got worse and worse and worse to the point that my nerves were stripped and the attacks were getting more frequent and worse. I had prepared to die before my 30th birthday.

I know what it feels like to face your mortality. It's scary and it's not fun, especially when you aren't anywhere near close to letting go of this life we have here on earth. But I, like you, made it through and I am very happy to hear that you had the help you needed, in all it's manifestations. The hospital, the medication, the services, the support and your friends. I hope you know how much I value my friendship with you and how heartbroken I would be to lose it. I love the idea of the tattoo and I'm sure in 6 months time, it will still be the right idea

If you ever need anything, please never hesitate to let me know. You have an army of friends here and I am so proud to know such a beautiful man as you

.
[Edited 11/26/07 19:41pm]

Borgy if you need to dish about the thrill of meds and HAART and stupid doctors you know I'm here for you!!

Get your ass better!!!

Chris, I'm glad to hear you're doing better...but it sounds like you still have some challenges ahead. I hope you face them with the same resolve you've shown so far.

I am happy you are doing better and that you are being cared for. Friends are so important in all of this. Big hug from Amsterdam

WOW! Im so sorry! You are in my prayers! All this will make you such a stronger person. Every1 has obstacles in life and this is part fo yours. Even though things are HARD right now, rememebr you are awake and alive. You still are in the position that tons of others would love 2 be in.

Thank you for sharing your story!!