In my days of teaching and working with the youth; I have witness the stark contrasts in behavior patterns of the kids who were brought up in single parent households over children from two parent households. Unless the parents of either home are so called "Old School" and don't take any shit, then these kids were supremely disrespectful, do not respond to figures of authority, and do not do well with their male teachers as most come from a single parented home headed up by their mothers.

Who of you are from single parented households like myself? My mom put the fear of GOD in her sons and we had the village taking care of things she could not handle. I got beatings summoned by phonecalls if mom was absent or sick. I thought I could act a fool because she was incapacitated....WRONG!! Uncle came and beat my ass!!

Let's examine the advantages and disadvantages of these two different ways of upbringing. What are you all products of? How do you think it got you where you are?

I think I'd have been better off coming from a (female) single parent household.
My adoptive dad was (and remains) a bully and my stepdad was also a nasty piece of work.
I'd probably like men a lot more if it wasn't for that pair of cunts.

I grew up in a single parent household. It was just us and mom.

My mom did a good job by herself. And I know for sure it wasn't easy.Im not saying we were perfect angels, but we knew the difference between right and wrong.

what would it be called if a child gets bounced around from one life/Family/person setting to another?

I am raising my own children in a 2 parent household, and I asked them their impression of the situation, given they have friends from all family structures. They said they liked it because when they wanted to talk about something, they had a choice. Their friends told them they were lucky to be able to choose. They also said that we each had things we were better at doing--one listens better, the other fixes things better, one parent seems "softer" so when they know they are busted, they confess to that one first.

My children got spankings when they were younger if they deserved it. If they do something outrageous, I'll still kick ass, but it has to be warranted now that they are older. They still kinda believe that we can see them wherever they are or that we will find out, because we made an effort to keep our village around us. We are definitely of the "old school" flavor.

As a parent, I think it is good that I have my spouse to check me (never in front of the kids) if I just seem to be pushing one of my kids too far and vice versa. If you have 2 level headed people, it is an advantage, and certainly 2 incomes makes life easier. If you have a no good, dumb, abusive bastard as a partner, dump him/her and raise your offspring alone. Good sex is not worth destroying your kids over. An orgasm is a short lived pleasure, screwed up kids will be there for the rest of your damned life and they likely will never become independent.

There are some strong single households out there, and kudos to them if they got it right. Its not impossible but can be a lot harder.

Whether you have one or two in the home, some parents are better than others and some shouldn't be parents at all.

CarrieMpls said:

Exactly! It's not even about whether a child has both parents or not. Because a child can have both mother and father who can treat them like crap. It's all about the love and support thats needed. And hey, if a mother, or a father can give that on their own, then it's all good.

I think I'm more independent and stronger from being raised in a single parent home by my mother. But there is definitely a downside to it too. Since my mom was single with 3 kids and my dad quit his job so he didn't have to pay child support, she worked 3 jobs. That meant she wasn't around and although my older brothers were supposed to take care of me, often I would be left home alone at 8 years old, sometimes until she came home at 10:15pm. I fed myself, bathed myself, seen myself off to school. While all those things made me a stronger person, I also feel they made me too independent. I often feel like I don't need anybody and I can take care of myself. I'm also horrible at making decisions and while it's nice to believe it's because I'm a Libra, I know it's because I was forced to make decisions at an early age that a parent should have made for me. When my mother was around, I only witnessed her being polite & respectful to others so I think that rubbed off on me.

In my case, I probably wouldn't have been better off if I had a two parent family because my dad was a jerk off.

I've noticed that the majority of whiny, selfish brats I encounter come from the two parent home. I think it's because they tend to treat them like they're adorable little idiots who can do no wrong. For example, my niece and nephews. My niece is the first born and her parents are divorced. She is polite and while she can act goofy, she's never mean or disrespectful on purpose. My brother remarried and he and his wife have two boys that they are raising in a two parent home. They're brats. My sister in law gives in to them on almost every issue. She gives them choices that they're too young to be making. My brother just goes along with it because if he doesn't, he usually gets yelled at by his wife. The boys will actually hit him. If I hit either of my parents, I would have been knocked into next Tuesday.

But I've also seen some great two parent homes who have thoughtful, respectful children. Ultimately, it's the parent. If your parenting skills are lacking, chances are your children will be too.

I grew up in a two parent home and my parents did not punish us with physical violence. None of us ever got into any real trouble and all of us turned into people who respect others.

It's more about parenting skills in general, not if it's a single parent family or not.

I really, really needed a mom. I suffered then (and a bit now) because of her absence.

I'm about to be a single parent so I'll let you know how it goes...

I have two sons ages 7 and 4.

I'm nervous, but I know what I want to teach my sons and I am just hoping and praying everything goes OK.

My 3 girls aged 4, 9 and 14, have you could say 3 parents watching their back. My husband, myself and our 24 year old son. He can be as bossy as a parent...he is extremily overprotective of his kid sisters, kinda cute.

hokie1 said:

Whoa. That's big news.

You'll be ok. You're a great mom.

I was raised by 3 generations so definately old school and it has shaped me in a good way as an adult.

More personal pride and responsiblity cuz my peeps wasn't gonna have that whiney ass victim shit going on.

See how a positive male and femlae interact with one another and those qualities made me know what I wanted in a man.

Teamwork was a must from the little ones to the old ones to keep everything and everybody going in the right direction.

Made me have values and integrity cuz in those days your good name was all you had!!!! And I still live by this!!!

JustErin said:

Yes, it is news. That's why I haven't been around much lately. I'm in the divorce process now. Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm sure it will all work out fine.

rachel3 said:

Yeah, coming from a hispanic family. My grandmother always lived with us. My 78 year old Aunt has lived with us for the last 10 years, since my parents died. (they lived together and we took her in when they passed) I understand the whole 3 generation deal.

CarrieMpls said:

That is my firmn belief as well.

I'm a single parent of three children, ages 16, 7 and 5.

Two boys and a girl, and I am always put off when people, esp. at church feel a need to remind me of how well behaved they are....like it's some kind of surprise or something..... they always tell me how glad they are and emphasize the fact that they are polite, making other kids dislike mine because of the attention my kids receive from adults.

Hokie, I know what your going through....I divorced my husband 3 years ago, the kids really miss him because he doesn't visit, its almost been a whole year. But now home is very peaceful, and the kids have the consistency that they need.

I still love my ex to death, but he was an anchor around my neck when it came to our finances, and future goals.I am happy and healthy now, and my kids can see and feel it. I miss him at times but I am so glad for my decision, I wish the best for you in this difficult time.

paintedlady said:

Don't feel put off by a compliment...feel PROUD that you are succeeding at this terrorrific job that is called Parenting.
I have 3 kids in a 2-parent household...and my wife and I get many compliments, especially at restaurants, at how well-behaved my kids are.
Enjoy the positive words! ...there's too much negativity going around as it is.

I was raised in a two parented household.

My father was just like a piece of furniture most of the time but he was there. My mother was the force. She was the super mother.


On the flip side, I'm a single mother and its so very hard especially when you want to make sure your child is balanced. My daughter's father has always been absent. I didnt want to raise a female with male issues. I made sure that Syd was around positive men (uncles, cousins, etc).

I think ideal is having a effective two parent home.

I think some single parents get a little caught up in the failure of the relationship that brought about the child. I'm it for my kid so I have to equip her for life. I think Syd will be ok.

At the end of the day, its about who is the parent vs the household.

PurpleJedi said:

I am thankful for the compliments, but do the folks have to call out the misbehaved ones like...."Thank God your son doesn't act like my badass nephew David"....."hey David!...you need to learn to act like Danzel (my son) more often" Poor David is now feeling all messed up and hating on my son, and at 16, that is not a good idea to pit kids against eachother.

paintedlady said:

That's NEVER a good thing.
ESPECIALLY when siblings are compared!
I was the "smart" one and my brother constantly got; "Why can't you get good grades like your brother?" or "When are you going to start bringing home awards like your brother?"
All it did was cause my brother to devote less and less time to his studies.
On the flop side, my cousin was a jock and I was/am extremely unathletic, and occassionally I got the comparisons that way ("Juan made varsity baseball!" or "Juan scored the winning goal in Saturday's Soccer game!" followed up with "When are you going to learn how to hit a baseball?")

Parents are just people too.

PurpleJedi said:

[quote:36cf72f922]

paintedlady said:

[quote:36cf72f922]
I am thankful for the compliments, but do the folks have to call out the misbehaved ones like...."Thank God your son doesn't act like my badass nephew David"....."hey David!...you need to learn to act like Danzel (my son) more often" Poor David is now feeling all messed up and hating on my son, and at 16, that is not a good idea to pit kids against eachother. [/quote:36cf72f922]

That's NEVER a good thing.
ESPECIALLY when siblings are compared!
I was the "smart" one and my brother constantly got; "Why can't you get good grades like your brother?" or "When are you going to start bringing home awards like your brother?"
All it did was cause my brother to devote less and less time to his studies.
On the flop side, my cousin was a jock and I was/am extremely unathletic, and occassionally I got the comparisons that way ("Juan made varsity baseball!" or "Juan scored the winning goal in Saturday's Soccer game!" followed up with "When are you going to learn how to hit a baseball?")

[b:36cf72f922]Parents are just people too.[/quote:36cf72f922]
[/b:36cf72f922]

That is exactly what I remind my kids of often, I always taught my kids that adults can make mistakes too.
So now my 16yr old and I sit and have frank discussions all the time about life and the wonderful crap that comes with it...he's even picked up my sense of sarcastic humor to the little bad things that tend to happen.

This has also transferred over to my niece and nephew that are also teenagers, and they come to me about everything, including sex, my sister was not too happy, I think she would have preferred that her kids go to her or her husband.


oops can't spell
[Edited 11/14/07 10:49am]

i dont think there is a difference. it just depends on the parents. i was raised in a two parent household. my parents did spank us but rarely. they sat down and talked to us most of the time. i never got into any big trouble, all of my teachers loved me and i did what i was supposed to do. i'm a single parent. my boys are a little wild-at home but they know how to conduct themselves in school and everywhere else. i always get compliments about them from their teachers. i talk to my kids most of the time-most of the time i was raised in a old school era but my parents were less restrictive and more liberal. my mother's mother was very restrictive. i think that is why she was much more loose with us. I love my mommy

DanceWme said:

Agreed. It just me, my sister and mother for a long time. I'll admit it tough seeing my mom trying to make a dollar out 15 cent, but she made it work. I also think she instilled the difference between right and wrong--but some kids just go crazy regardless of what their parents do or say.

I've never met my father, but I don't think I'm missing anything. I'd rather have one parent who really loves me than two who really don't get along, because at some point it will trickle down to the kids.

paintedlady said:

Our divorce is a mutual decision. We are getting along and being friendly for our children. Regardless of how terrible our relationship became he's an excellent father.

I agree with you that kids can sense when one or both parents are unhappy. I have been unhappy for quite a long time and even though this will be a big transition for me I feel as if it is the right thing to do.

My kids will hopefully see the happiness in me that was gone for all those years.

Thank you for your kind words. It's always nice to hear success stories.

hokie1 said:

Hopefully the two of you will become the best of friends, after the divorce. I've seen it happen divorce is always best when its mutual, and I pray for you that custody of the children never becomes an issue. Just remember to give yourself a chance every now and then to kick up your heels and enjoy yourself, you deserve it

hokie1 said:

That shocked me!

I hope it goes as well as it can for you

Cannot side with you on this one Dex, "figures of authority" deserve no respect. They must prove their legit role or be dismantled. Better to let a kid be a free thinker, independent of spirit and of mind; sure, certain boundaries for certain ages, but remember that these are little adults, not rabble.

Also am against hitting any child. You teach the kid that violence is good, not helpful in this world.

Causes of bad behavior have to do with lack of love, bad diets, too much television, no books, and, I hate to say it, hip hop culture, which makes these kids act a fool.

I heard single mothers do well in Sweden. Teacher?