how hard was it to get through the very first holiday without that person? Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and i'm already kinda tensing up. i've had my mom around for 39 thanksgiving dinners, and this one is going to be hard. i guess i could be thankful for having all of those, since a lot of people don't, but i'm feeling like there won't be much holiday spirit in me for quite a while.


[Edited 11/5/07 6:57am]

What you're feeling is absolutely and understandably normal.

It was very hard for me. But even though it will never totally be the same for me it gets a lot better with time and one day you will be able to fully enjoy such family days again .

i'm going through the same thing this year, after having my mom around for 36 holiday seasons. when i was growing up, my mom always put together elaborate holiday decorations, especially on christmas, and she always used to make huge thanksgiving feasts, even if it was only me and her celebrating. in the past few years, the holidays were hard because my mom wasn't well enough to put together her fabulous thanksgivings and christmasses, and i know it depressed her. i tried to compensate in any way i could think of, but i think it made her even sadder because she felt like it was "her job" to provide the holiday cheer.

i just remind myself that she's in a better place where she doesn't have to worry about all that pressure anymore, even if it was a labor of love when she was well enough to enjoy all the cooking and decorating. i'm going to make the best of the holidays with the people i still have around me, and hope that if she's in a place where she can look down on us all, she can at least know i still have people to celebrate with. i'm sure she'll be around in her own way.

still, yeah, it'll be tough.

yeah. i mean i've hated the holidays since my grandfather died years ago, because they just don't feel the same without him.

last year, i lost my dad, my grandmother and my uncle all in the span of 4 months, ALL during the holidays.

so let's just say, i'm REALLY not looking forward to them this year.

but you just push on through, because that's what you have to do.

it's hard and will always be hard...Just when you think about it, memories are one of God's greatest treasure that he has given us. I lost my very young brother in a car accident two and a half years ago. He was only 23 years old. I still can smell him (his cologne and blackNmild). I can always look at pictures and talk about all the fun and crazy times that we had together growing up. It's still hurts today but when we talk about him, it's like he's right there laughing together with us. Plus after 7 months after he passed, his girlfriend had there first and only child. It's a boy...It's like he sent us a gift from heaven. Besides, your mom was a beautiful lady and still is...She's watching over you and she'll be waiting for you with open arms when you'll get to heaven so do everything right to make it there!

I hated Christmas for years after my grandmother died. I'm still not a big fan, but I came out of my absolute pure and utter hatred of it about two years ago. She died about 13 years ago, so it took me a looooong time to come back around.
I wish you the best. It's not easy.

I know the holiday wasn't the same after I lost my father & sisther in a year
I still think about them all the time.But I know there in a good place.

great photo

in my family we tried to force the smile
and get on with it even though everyone's
hearts were breaking. just how we managed.

what i loved was when my brother in law's
father had died, they used that christmas
to give gifts of mementos of his life
and to celebrate him and laugh and remember together.
it sounded like a much more healthy way to
deal with the grief.

Last year at Thanksgiving my Mom was in the hospital, she passed away a few days later on December 1 (2006).

Thanksgiving was weird last year without my Mom there for the first time in 40 years, but but none of us had any idea she would pass. It was not supposed to be that serious so we all thought she would be out soon.

Christmas was kind of numb. Even though she was in the hospital for about a month, it was not a long illness leading up to that and again, her passing was unexpected and so close to Christmas that everyone was still in shock and going through the motions.

This year feels like it is going to be much more difficult. Simply because so much time has passed and this holiday season we will really miss her, instead of being in shock.

For myself, I am just really starting to grieve now. When my Mom first passed, I was too busy being strong for my Father, who just lost his wife of 41 years. Too busy being strong for my oldest daughter (14 at the time) who was very close to her Grandmother and lost not only a Grandmother, but one of her best friends. And too busy being strong for my wife and my other two daughters.

Sowhat said:

i think the hardest but most relieving time is when you don't have to be the strong person anymore for other people and you can get busy on the task of working through your own grief. it doesn't seem right that the people most afflicted by someone's loss are the same people who are responsible for the "work" of dealing with their passing, when all you really want to do is sit and wonder if this is really happening. i'm glad you're finally at the point you're at, and i wish you the best for working through it.

The empty place settings kills me.

I wish you strength this Holiday season.

I lost my mom 14 years ago. She was the glue that held our family holidays together. She had a knack for bringing people together and at every holiday, she was the family decorator. I was pretty bitter about her passing on for a long time then I became that person but when I lost my nephew in 2002, any holiday spirit passed with him.

Fury said:

Your Mom was beautiful!!! Something I heard somewhere recently (I think from a Mom who lost her child) has really helped me, I actually include it in my signature now.....

"Always blessings, never losses". It is not easy, but it helps to look at it like the time you were able to spend with a loved one is a blessing. What they have given you can never be taken away from you and will always enrich your life and be a part of you.

Anxiety said:

Thank you Anx!

Fury said:

Im truly sorry to hear of your loss
My great aunt died this time last year, and its ,to date, one of the hardest deaths I have had to deal with.

Every halloween she made homemade tacos, salsa and guacamole. We all sat outside and watched the kids go by. We ate and shared a "family moment"every year on that day.

This year was a difficult halloween, I did the same routine with her for over 30 years all i could do is take the kids elsewhere....
I dont know how Im going to make it through xmas....

the only thing I can say is one breath at a time, think of all the good...
she is still with you in spirit

This will be a difficult holiday for me this year as well as I lost my mom last year around Thanksgiving. I'm going to try to get the family to talk about the good memories and all have a hard gut-wrenching laugh to remember my mom this year, that's the way she would have wanted it.

Be strong Fury and do her memory justice by being the son she raised, that, to me is the best way to honor her so soon.

From the moment you start losing the loved ones around you, life is all about adjustment. Don't try to make it the same, as it will never be the same without those persons. I had to get used to loss from age ten, but it never stops hurting, loss...

Just try to feel for what resonates inside of you and honour your loved ones by making it a GREAT holiday. I myself inherited my mom's Christmas ornaments, so decorating the tree is hard, but at the same time so beautiful. Every year since she passed almost four years ago I decorate the tree with a tear and a smile and somehow it is fitting.

Sorry to hear about your loss i totally feel you on this subject. Even though you lost your mother recently, people will continue to tell you "it gets better with time" and BELIEVE ME when i tell you this, it doesn't. With time, you learn to LIVE with your loss, but you never get over it. Looking at the beautiful picture you posted, it looks as if you and your mom were close, so I know the holidays will be a difficult one and when they are over, you still will be grieving.

I lost my father 6 years ago, and just this past weekend while searching for christmas ring tones, I burst into tears thinking about my dad. From out of nowhere this happened, and you will see that this will be happening to you too, but you won't understand it. You'll be sort of happy, laughing and talking with friends or family, then all of sudden you'll get sad. When I get that way it's like a sharp pain in my heart. I have to excuse myself and just go in the bathroom and cry to let it all out.

I'm happy that my father is now living peaceful above, but honestly and i mean honestly, sometimes I feel so hurt, I just cry out that I want my daddy back....but I can't have him back because he's waiting for me to join him one day.

It's normal to feel like you don't want to celebrate the holidays because you are in so much pain. Right after my father passed I was in a great deal of bitterness. Everytime I saw somebody smile or laugh, I wondered why were they so happy when I was so sad? Or how could they be so carefree about life, when I was miserable because I no longer had my daddy? But I grew out of it. It took a lot of praying, and it took a lot of talking to others, and it took a lot of crying for me to get to where I am today emotionally. I still cry about my dad from time to time, but I know I wouldn't want him here suffering.

If you ever want to talk please don't hesitate to org note me.
[Edited 11/5/07 17:45pm]

When my baby brother passed away, I found comfort in the wisdom from the scriptures. There is solace in remembering the name that your loved one made for himself (or herself), and the impact they made in your life and the things you have learned because of them. You can be happy for the fact that they have lived out a life they wanted and accomplished what they set out to accomplish.

During these times of sadness we can also take the time to reflect on our own lives and take what we learned from them to make our lives better.

I sincerely hope that you can remember they good about your loved one and yes, you will still grieve for a long time to come, as it seems that you were very close. But be thankful that you had her in your life.


"A name is better than good oil, and the day of death than the day of one's being born. Better is it to go to the house of mourning than to the banquet house, because that is the end of all mankind; and the one alive should take it to his heart. Better is vexation than laughter, for by the crossness of the face the heart becomes better. The heart of the wise ones is in the house of mourning,but the heart of the stupid ones is in the house of rejoicing." - Ecclesiastes 7:1-5
[Edited 11/6/07 0:06am]

At this moment, my Grandmother, who took a turn for the worse just this afternoon is not expected to make it very long. Right now even though I feel for my great aunts and the rest of the family, I am very concerned for my mom. I have never seen my mom so sincerely saddened even when she lost her son. The reason why she is very torn up is because the pain and hurt she suffered in her and her mother's relationship, (it was the same that my grandmother had with her mom).

I hope that she can make peace with her and forgive, and let go of all the extra baggage of guilt and pain of not being validated, because she is the one who has to keep on living.

After my Mum passed away all the major things in life changed along with the holidays... Christmas and Birthday's especially have never been the same. This year, for the first time ever, my Dad has just told me not to worry about coming up for Christmas. so, this christmas I think is gonna be interesting...

The first Thanksgiving without my sister was extremely hard ...we always had Thanksgiving at her house, and it was such a warm, loving experience. It almost didn't seem right having it without her presence.

I think we all just kind of compartmentalized a lot...and while that first Thanksgiving without her was more subdued and less relaxed than normal, we were all glad to still continue with our tradition and be together...and we all literally gave our thanks to what my sister provided to our entire family, and for what we still felt and experienced of her inside.

Good luck to you with all the emotions that will no doubt surface...and extremely good ones will surface as well, make no mistake.

Most if not all of us have been there, but no one really knows exactly how you will react until you experience it. Sometimes the holidays are part of the grieving process.

The holidays are nothing without love, memories and traditions. When you lose a loved one, sometimes, all of those things help you through that loss. I wish you well, because your picture is worth a ton of words. It's clear you will miss your mother, but maybe remembering the 39 holiday seasons you had "with" her will help you through the 1st holiday season "without" her. Of course, it's never that "clean," but that's my hope for you.

wildgoldenhoney said:

Around 7 am sometime my Grandma passed. Both my sister and I were at work when our mom called us, we both went to support our mom.

This was and is a very rough time for my mom. I'm sad that my Grandma passed but I know that at least she is no longer suffering but now I have to find the strength to be there for my mom.

I feel that tough times will be ahead.
[Edited 11/14/07 0:07am]

wildgoldenhoney said:

Since this is so fresh, I feel like I really have no energy for much!

I lost my Mom on Dec 18, I have had a few emotional Christmasses since. But Xmas is a time for living family too, families are growing and it feels good to re-invest in this special time of year. Hold on to memories, sure, but there are few times when you can all get together so try and enjoy them, it is what any family member would want.

wildgoldenhoney said:

awww, i'm so sorry for your loss.
when my mom passed. the selfish part of me wanted her to be here forever, but the loving part of me accepted the calmness on her face right after she left. i couldn't deny that she was in pain constantly. if you wanna talk about it, orgnote me.

That picture is amazing FURY. So sweet.

All I know is that it does get easier. I've had so many loved ones pass in these past 5 years. It's been crazy.

My mom passed in 1994 and I still miss her. It just doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Thank God!



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