Lovely pic Fury!! It has been 12 yrs since my Mother went on and other Old Heads have went on too in the last 3yrs. I have not put near decoration up since she passed and I will not, that was her job, her knack.

But what has sucked most of all is I take care of my Grandmother who is 87, her Mother. Other family members ignore the old folks like they aint shyt, dont call dont come by and that is what hurts the most.

I am at peace with my family members being gone but the ones left behind acting a fool is another story. It is the main reason I am estranged from my family.

But I cook and play Holiday music and old holiday films for my Grandmother's sake, she has quit asking about the other family too, maybe a blessing in disquise since she used to ask for them all the time.

Sowhat said:

Everybody grieves different and for a different lenght of time as well. I miss asking her opinion and telling her about my adventures and dreams the most!!!

it's normal to feel that way.

my mum passed away at the end of november 5 years ago.
I was under her orders to make sure we had christmas and that we didn't have sad holidays every year because of her "bad timing".
so I did as I was told and invited everyone to my house.
It was hard that first year but I'm glad I didn't disappoint her.

It does get easier over time

HamsterHuey said:

Beautifully said

Fury said:

Thanks

Actually, when I look at the picture of you and your mom, that really helps me. It's like a her last gift that she left with you to share with others to help them (also what a friend said when he lost his brother - his last gift). I'm glad that my grandma is not in pain anymore and I accept that, it was her wish to not linger in pain anymore too.

The hard part is now with those still living. My mom was the person most hurt by my grandma's passing. The reason why your picture with you and your mom really touches me is because when I look at it, I can see the love and closeness between you two. Sadly that is what was lacking in the relationship between my mother and her mother; also with my mother and myself. On my grandmother's dying bed (she was in hospice for the past week) my mother visited with the intention to put the past to rest between them. Although my grandma was unconscious for the entire time, she most likely could hear and mom had to say her peace.

Mom always wanted to be acknowledged by her mom as she never received validation and was continually verbally abused even in the past few months, although she was the only one there to care for her. Mom was the only one there (besides dad, my sis, and me) when she passed. My dad too was not nice to her, always gave her problems when she went to take care of grandma. Now I think he feels bad though because the dynamics of their relationship has changed due to this.

The rest of the family is crazy, aunties and great aunts yelling at my mom right now. Good thing my sister was there instead of me - dysfunctional family. Through it all, my aunts were supposed to make all the plans and arrangements but it turns out they didn't do anything and it all fell back to my mom - so my sister took over because mom can't deal with this, really, not now. Good thing my sister has someone who is in the funeral business and took care of everything. The family was still fighting about where and when, etc...

My problem now and another thing I learned from your picture and experience is my relationship with my mother. If I don't do something about the rift and open my heart, we will still be going through this when the time should come when my mother lies in her dying bed.

I have had a lot to think about because you shared your story - I thank you!

Fury

what a beautiful photo
i cant offer any advice on how 2 handle the holidays, im still struggling myself

i sincerely hope things get easier with time...im crying silent tears as i type this

my dad passed away last year from cancer, and his birthday was the 19th of dec, so xmas week we get hit with a double whammy....

i always used 2 buy him a joke/ or sport book 4 his birthday, and there are so many out this time of year...every time i sell a new one at work i think, oh, dad would have liked that.....

we always spent time 2 gether on xmas day, as kids at my grandparents, and as adults, we'd have mum and dad over 4 lunch, or dinner- dad would always jump up at the end of the meal and start on the dishes- always cracking jokes and one liners.... wash up time is now a sad time.

dads last xmas (2005)- our 36th 2 gether- i spent the day in tears, tears of pain (stress had made my arthritis flare badly) and tears of guilt, coz i was crying on what we knew would be our last xmas 2gether- i didnt want 2 spoil the day. (guilt tears flowing now)
dad, who was in terrible pain himself, was more concerned about me than himself

this time of year is always a little sad, my hubby and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary- dads mum passed away the day b4 i got married.
i think of my gran, and i also remember how proud i was 2 be my fathers daughter on my wedding day..... his grief must have been overwhelming, but he didnt let me see any of this.

i love you dad, and i miss u dearly


dads extended family are all getting 2gether this year on the 19th of dec 4 dinner, and when his sisters are around there is always a lot of laughter...hopefully this will ease the pain a little

wildgoldenhoney

my thoughts r with u

prb said:

Thank you prb, you are very sweet!

I'm very close to my sister's husband and his family. His mother passed earlier this year. Mother's Day was extremely difficult and taxing on him and his sisters and he's noticeably changed of late, and I know it has to do with the upcoming holidays. It's a hard thing to gauge, how much space to give someone versus making sure that you're there when they need you. Lately, being around him has been kinda like walking on eggshells. No one really knows what to expect and he's not talking much about it.

violator said:

it is kind of hard to gauge people's feelings. all things considered, i'm coping pretty well most of the time. my younger sister, however , is still a wreck emotionally. i made a personal cd of music that reminded me of my mom and i listen to it when i'm doing my 45 minute commute. she's in my van and i'm listening to it and she just flaking out telling me to take it out. so rather than take it out, i skip a coupla songs to teddy pendergrass'
"you're my latest, greatest inspiration". before i can hit skip again, she's like "wait that was me and mommy's song!" so we're listening to it until we pull up to her house and she takes my friggin cd! now she listens to the cd everyday. her kids tell her which songs really remind them of Nana (especially Patti Labelle's Love Never Dies). We just went and bought a new dinette set for the holiday, because mom always wanted to get one. we always listen to christmas music at the end of dinner, and Mom's favorite was always Nat King Cole's "The Christmas Song" and the Temptations "Everything for Christmas"...I think i'll cry when i hear those songs