how do people deal with it where you live?

Do people let sad people? be or try to cheer them up (because it makes others uncomfortable)

If you are sad, do you appreciate other's attempts at cheering you up? would you prefer they let you get on with your sadness? or that they support you through it without impatience?

when i'm melancholy, i pretty much just need to be left alone. or if you HAVE to hang out with me, do your usual thing and don't treat me any differently than you would otherwise. sometimes i'm melancholy for no reason i can explain - it's like the emotional version of catching a 24-hour flu - and i just have to ride it out.

and if you even TRY saying something like "turn that frown upside down" or "smile!" i will hunt you down and destroy you.

Anxiety said:

I guess amongst your immediate friends and those who know you, know to leave you to it. Generally, culturally, is it OK to be sad where you live?

There's a time to be sad and a time to get over it and move on. The balance is letting people know what you need, and listening carefully to those that love you. No matter who's the sad one.

CarrieMpls said:

sometimes, it's not that simple.

CarrieMpls said:

but also the sad one probably knows deep down when it is time to get out of their funk, if others are getting impatient and trying to intervene too soon perhaps, that could be a problem? Or you think the sad one needs others to let them know enough is enough?

ZombieKitten said:

well, i mean, it's not like the neighbors grab pitchforks and torches and throw rocks at our door when we're sad. they only do that when they remember we're sodomites.

Anxiety said:

People like workmates, family etc I mean those who you must deal with day to day, but not in your closest circle

Lothan said:

oh heavens, it's rarely that simple. But there comes a point where you need to at least actively try. If you can't, you can't. But you still need to try.

ZombieKitten said:

As I said, it's a balance. I think it's ok to give someone a nudge, but if they let you know they're just not ready to be ready, then you need to let them be. But they need to let you know, too. It also depends how close you are with the person to, how it's affecting your relationship, how much fear you have over them taking care of themselves, all sorts of things.

ZombieKitten said:

oh. well, i guess i don't care so i don't notice. i tend to be pretty private at work, regardless of if i'm happy or sad. in fact, when i'm sad, work is helpful because i can count on it being a neutral zone where i can escape from my feelings for eight hours. if i'm so sad i can't function, i take a sick day. it's preferable to trying to explain my feelings to co-workers, believe me.

CarrieMpls said:

sure - for your own sake or those around you? I expect after a time you get used to feeling low, it becomes normal, but people who have to deal with you would start avoiding you because you're a miserable person? not fun any more?

Anxiety said:

that is true. I worked in an office full of women, if I wasn't smiling some days, they would all huddle around to say "what's wrong?" and if I wasn't really sad, I would be by the end of the day, or have to go home with tears prickling my eyes.

I guess it speaks volumes to my neurotic behavior, but when I'm sad, I quickly get angry because being said makes me feel like I've been defeated by something. I know it sounds weird, but I hate being sad, so I pretty much opt for being angry about it.

Of course, I know people who cry when they get angry which is very odd to me



The darker emotions are something that you can't avoid. I think imago therapy teaches that in their training that it's not about trying to be good and positive all the time, but about being whole. Those darker moments is a time to reflect and understand their causes, etc. and ultimately, with much effort, resolve them if possible.


I'm going through mild depression right now, which most could never tell. Being depressed isn't for me like sitting in a room crying myself to sleep, but just a motivational slump that causes me to look at everything as useless, or in a negative light, where I normally wouldn't.

The odd thing is that I'm having a blast right now with leisure activities, and being as productive in my work and home time as much possible--but I'm forcing myself to, and not actually enjoying the fruits of productivity.

And I'm not sure what folks would think if I talked about my darker moods in real life--cause I never do.
[Edited 10/24/07 17:29pm]

ZombieKitten said:

well, ya know...my melancholy and your melancholy may be two completely separate monsters. one person's blue mood might be another person's grieving might be another person's chemical imbalance might be another person's vitamin deficiency and so on and so on...so it's really hard to apply expiration dates to a person's melancholy, no?

ZombieKitten said:

For your own sake.

Someone once described depression to me as being in a bodybag full of feces. It sucks when you first get in, but after a while you don't notice the smell anymore, it keeps you warm, you feel relatively safe, etc. Of course you're reluctant to leave. You're comfy now. But once you start to dig yourself out, you smell the fresh air, feel the sun on your face again and realize how much better things can be.

Sometimes we need to remind people they can get out of the bag.

CarrieMpls said:

yes, and if it is someone you are close to, I think that is how things generally work. What if it is someone who you kind of know, on the outskirts of your circle say, and they don't smile much any more, or aren't enthusiastic, would people still include them or would they eventually find themselves shunned because they didn't pull their socks up? did their sadness take away their value as a person?

CarrieMpls said:

Let me also say, that by saying that I don't think it's our right to put our noses in everyone else's business. But sometimes someone who's sinking doesn't always even realize how far. I know I was once pushed by a friend and it made all the difference in the world for me. Possibly even saved my life.

I tend to isolate myself when I'm feeling melancholy. Most of the time there isn't a real reason why I'm in that mood or if there is, it's not one I want to talk about with someone so it's better to be alone. I can usually cheer myself up. If I have to be around people, I'm mostly quiet so I always get asked "Why are you being so quiet? What's wrong?". I try my best to keep up with conversations so I don't put anyone else in my foul mood. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Anxiety said:

of course

ZombieKitten said:

Depends on if someone cares enough or not, I guess. If we see someone drowning in a river, we're going to help them or get them help. One way or another, we're going to try. Depression can be more difficult. I don't know.

I know they will end up "shunned" at least to some extent whether intentional or not until they do something, though. Whether they get the push they need or it comes from themselves.

Imago said:

i'm like that. it sucks, because i absolutely hate that i react that way but can never control it when i do.

Does anyone very find that when you're in a really good mood, and someone you know is in a really bad mood, with no apparent cause, that you find it hard to empathize with them, let alone relate? That you actually get annoyed by their being down in the dumps?


I find this attitude widespread in happy folks.

evenstar said:

I always feel a lot better after crying though, suddenly things feel much more in perspective

evenstar said:

Well, if you ever get it on film, make sure you're wearing a white t-shirt as your tears roll down your face and soaks it. That would be kind of hot and stuff.

Imago said:

If I am in a generally happy mood, someone who is sad can totally drain away my feelings of wellbeing and I can feel just as sad as them in an instant. I guess that makes me DEFINITELY NOT one of them happy folks

CarrieMpls said:

cause it isn't socially acceptable really to be a sad type of person

ZombieKitten said:

really? that's cool. i usually feel exhausted and even more frustrated.

evenstar said:

Same. I hate it too. Sometimes I can't even talk for crying. It's awful.