A little boy walks into a sweet shop & says to the owner.

How much are your flys?

The owner replies, we don't sell flys.

The boy replies, yes you do,,,,, theres 2 in the window

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?









































Because it was dead

horatio said:

funniest thing i've heard all day

Why did the Sausage Roll?

Because it saw an Apple Turn Over

You know Princess Diana was on the radio the other day?

She was also on the windscreen, the floor, the seat, the door and the road.

benyamin said:

(, this was supposed to be a falloff, but hey I'm afraid of the Brits)

yo momma so skinny she gotta run around the shower to get wet

so a duck walks in a store and asks the guy behind the counter..."You got any pickles?"
the guy says.."No duck we dont sell pickles."
so the duck leaves...
the next day the duck comes in the same store and asks the same guy..."You got any pickles?"
the guy says..."Look duck I told you we dont sell pickles. If you come back in here and ask that again I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
the next day the duck comes in the same store and asks the same guy..."You got any nails?"
the guy says..."NO!"
the duck says..."Good!! Got any pickles?"

Three nuns are in a Ferrari 612 and oversteer into a tree on a wet road. As they're floating up to heaven, they meet St. Peter at the holy gates.

"Greetings," said St. Peter. "Behind this curtain is a bowl of holy water. Before you enter the kingdom of heaven, all of three of you must separately go behind the curtain and wash any part of your body which was touched by a man's penis. After you cleanse yourself, you will be granted paradise."

So the first nun walks behind the curtain and privately washes her hands.

She returns, and then the second nun goes and washes her ass.

When the second nun returns, the third nun walks behind the curtain and does what St. Peter instructed.

St. Peter is pleased. "You three are now fit to enter heaven. Just tell me what part of your body you washed with the holy water and the gates will open."

The first nun confesses that she washed her hands.

The second nun, rather embarrassed, admits that she washed her ass with the holy water.

The third nun, horrified, yells "YOU'RE TELLING ME I DRANK THAT?!"

Q:"What do you call a guy who buys generic rubbers?"



A:"A cheap fucker!"

PureScience said:

I'm using that one!


Why do baby ducks walk softly?

Cause they can't walk hardly!



Teacher: Now Julia, what is a cannibal?
Julia: I dunno miss!
Teacher: THINK Julia! What would you be if you ate your mum and dad?
Julia: An orphan miss!

Ladies talking in Heaven.....

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Where do bee's go to the bathroom?
At a B&P Station!

OK that sucks but it was cute when my 7 year old told it to me

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick got stuck in the chicken.

Nothinbutjoy said:

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?


Cos they can't get the wrappers off.....

roodboi said:

teaspoon said:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

Why wouldn't the lesbian wear makeup during her diet?

why have women got small feet?



to get closer to the sink...

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I'm perplexed

Why wouldn't the lesbian wear make up during her diet?

Steadwood said:

Because it was impoossible to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on her face

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I had to google it

...but

(I'm sure there's another joke in there somewhere )