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Two hookers are stood on a street corner chatting to each other... One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?". The other replies, "No. But I've been swung around by the tits".  | |
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 I have a firm grip on reality...Maybe just not this reality   |
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Justin1972UK said: Two hookers are stood on a street corner chatting to each other... One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?". The other replies, "No. But I've been swung around by the tits".
Oh... I think I've met her
...oops...Did I just say that out loud?  
 I have a firm grip on reality...Maybe just not this reality |
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What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
When the little hand touches the big hand. | |
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teaspoon said: Ladies talking in Heaven.....
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.  | |
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Planet Earth is a good album | |
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benyamin said: You know Princess Diana was on the radio the other day?
She was also on the windscreen, the floor, the seat, the door and the road.  | |
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Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was a Prince!
 surviving on the thought of loving you, it's just like the water
I ain't felt this way in years... | |
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A woman in her mid forties dies and goes to Heaven.She meets God at the entrance
and she tries to bargain with him.She was saying that she was just hitting her prime and she had so much still to do.So God gave in and told her she could have another 10 years and sends her back down to earth. So with her 10 years grace given to her she decided that she was going to live her life to the full.Firstly she decided to get some cosmetic surgery and wanted to look twenty years younger.After numerous nips,tucks and operations she looked in the mirror at the clininc and couldn't believe the results.She looked amazing and you'd have given her for 25.She leaves the surgery and was crossing the road to her parked car when BANG!!! out of nowhere a car ploughs her down. Up she goes to Heaven and there at the gates again was God standing before her. God,she says,I thought you'd given me 10 more years to live..... Susan....Susan.....Is that you....Why Heavens.....I didn't recognise you. [Edited 10/4/07 13:55pm] | |
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teaspoon said: Ladies talking in Heaven.....
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. Oh, I get it! It took me a while but I got it. Some people think I'm kinda cute
But that don't compute when it comes 2 Y-O-U. | |
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From comdediane Adele Givens:
'I invited my pastor to one of my shows and he told me 'no' everytime. I asked him why he would come....he said..'because you like to say 'muthafucka' in your show..and I dont approve of that. I aint no muthafucka!' 'So I was like ok pastor that's fine....my show aint that bad but if you cant stand that word than I completly understand no hard feelings.' 'Couple days later I was at the bank...I saw my pastor walk in...as I went up to him to say hi a bank robber stormed in the bank with a gun and yelled 'NOW I WANT ALL YOU MUTHAFUCKAS TO HIT THE FLOOR' and HE was the first one down!!!!!' Every minute of last night is on my face today.... | |
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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.” This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. CLICK-CLICK Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”. So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick.” The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?” With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: “One of them is a cannibal.” Le prego di non toccare la macchina per favore! | |
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A midget went into the back of my car, he got out and said he wasn't fucking happy, I said 'Which one are you then?'.... | |
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ThirdandFinal said: Three nuns are in a Ferrari 612 and oversteer into a tree on a wet road. As they're floating up to heaven, they meet St. Peter at the holy gates.
"Greetings," said St. Peter. "Behind this curtain is a bowl of holy water. Before you enter the kingdom of heaven, all of three of you must separately go behind the curtain and wash any part of your body which was touched by a man's penis. After you cleanse yourself, you will be granted paradise." So the first nun walks behind the curtain and privately washes her hands. She returns, and then the second nun goes and washes her ass. When the second nun returns, the third nun walks behind the curtain and does what St. Peter instructed. St. Peter is pleased. "You three are now fit to enter heaven. Just tell me what part of your body you washed with the holy water and the gates will open." The first nun confesses that she washed her hands. The second nun, rather embarrassed, admits that she washed her ass with the holy water. The third nun, horrified, yells "YOU'RE TELLING ME I DRANK THAT?!" I just drank water and spewed out my nose!!!!! Every minute of last night is on my face today.... | |
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What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing... you already told her twice | |
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A car bomb has been found outside a mosque in London, Police have stated that the public are not to worry as they have managed to push it inside..... | |
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