I have been married the last 10 years and my wife tells me tonight that she's unhappy and has been for a long time.... I have 2 daughters 7 and 2... I want to work this out but it seems like she doesnt want to...

Altogether we've been together 18 years, had our ups and downs...i dont think there is anyone else..our kids consume our lives, i am not interested in anyone else...i guess people just grow apart..the sad things is my girls...and what this might do to them....

Ignore that pro person.
You need to have a talk with your wife, and find out exactly what she's unhappy about. Perhaps a counselor can help.

if there's no way to patch up the relationship and it seems obvious that you two will be unhappy together, i think it would be more UNhealthy for your girls to see you two staying together and miserable than it would be for them to see you apart and happy. either way, you're still going to be their parents.

Children growing up in an unhappy household is far worse than children going through a tough time when their parents break up.

I hope things work out for you and your family...whatever ends up happening.

talking is good. now you can do something.
if you want it then let her know by every word and action.
work at it. hopefully eventually you can find each other again.

Try to keep communicating with your wife, find out why she's unhappy, what you two can do.

Explore counseling, talk to your preacher, pray.

Get off the Org and fight for your marriage.

Prayin' for ya.

Calligraphy said:

I agree.... I hope the two of u find each other again

littlemissG said:

sadly, she doesnt want to talk with anyone, she said she needs a break from me, she's not one for expressing her feelings, so i dont know how to deal....

tonight is just the first step on your road. if she's been quietly unhappy for a long time she's got a lot bottled up. give her some time. but that doesn't mean you can't explore your thoughts, feelings and talk to someone on the outside. that's how you process. not easy, but worth the effort, right?

At a friend's wedding recently, the preacher gave an amazing sermon/charge to the couple. Among his many points was this nugget:

"I've been married 50 years, and I've counseled many, many couples. I have come to believe that 99% of the marriages that have ended could have been saved, if the husbands wanted to save them."

I looked around and took a quick inventory: Judging by the gray, married heads I saw nodding in agreement, I'd say he was on to something.

Stay in the fight. She and they are worth it.

avasdad said:

I'm going against the grain here.
There may not be anything you can do to make her happy. May not be anything she can do, either. It would be great if you could fix something that can't be fixed and out of your control.
Counseling only works if the participants are open and honest. No point in wasting time and $$$ if she isn't willing to do that, or have already made up her mind about leaving.
I can only tell you what I would do: Say "I love you, but if you aren't happy, this isn't the life I want for either of us, nor our family. Do what you need to do, to be content."

Calligraphy said:

That is great advice and I agree. God Bless you for saying that. Don't give up avasdad!!!

xplnyrslf said:

i'm on the more moderate side of your opinion. i think our instincts tell us when to fight for something and when it's time to let go. sometimes it takes a minute to let our instincts guide us because of all the feelings that get in the way, but eventually the truth is clear as day.

JustErin said:

well said!

im sorry to read this...why didnt she speak up sooner & tell you?
you know marriage is HARD, its all about "Compromise" (sp) you 2 need to talk about your problems, maybe even get therapy?
good luck to you~

greenpixies said:

Easy for the preacher to say, he's not living in the day to day happenings of someone else's marriage. If he has a degree in marriage counseling and not just thumbing his bible then maybe, otherwise seek help from a professional.

Many preachers are trained in psychology and licensed counselors.

Certainly a pastor who has been married 50 years, is officiating a wedding and sharing truths to which other longtime couples are attesting would bring significant credibility to his sermon. The couple obviously thought so.

Everyone's situation is different, so me suggesting that you sit down with her and hash out everything because it's working for me may not be the way to go...My wife and I have been together (dating and marrige) for 18 years, give or take...and due to MY issues and what have you, this time last year, we were just about done....but I took a step back and instead of arguing or raging with her, we talked....well, she talked and I listened....she said many of the same things....wasn't happy AT ALL....in any event, we've pulled back from the brink and we're on the road to recovering what it was that brought us together in the first place....

as far as the kids, if they see that you and your wife are honestly working things out and not just going through the motions, they'll buy into the program...my two are teens, and as they've gotten older they've chimed in with their observations more and more about what they saw....for me it was extremely humbling because of the negative effect we were having on them...but they also see that we love each other and are working things out for everyone's benefit, so they support it...and since we have included them in some of our conversations, they're purging the negativity they were feeling...

Again, what worked for me may not be the solution in your case, but at least have a sit down and open up....let her unload on you if thats what it takes....suppress the anger, the hurt feelings and you do the same....at the very least if being apart is your destiny, you'll be able to do it without all of that negativity inside of you....in any event, good luck to you.....
[Edited 9/21/07 23:52pm]

Anxiety said:

True, so true.

Maybe it would be an option to seek counselling for both of you.

sonic said:

Agreed. Some people are soooo reluctant to talk about the problems that they rather keep it inside until they almost implode and then they suddenly decide to break up, which comes as a total shock to their partner. It's a really selfish behavioural pattern.

Your wife sounds like she might be a bit like that, avasdad. At least it's kind of a good sign that she's saying she's unhappy rather than that she's leaving. That could be interpreted as a willingness to at least try to improve on things, even though she might seem indifferent at present after having been in a long dark tunnel all by herself for so long.

I totally sympathize with your concern about the kids by the way. Considering the username you've chosen, you're a very committed dad, and that's a very good thing. At the same time, as others have said, if you do reach the conclusion that you're not meant to be together with your wife then probably it's better for the kids too if you move apart. Otherwise the unhappiness will spread to them as well.

Communicate, it is the only way!

Ultimately though you have to both want this, i mean really want it, if you dont then you may find a short term fix but ultimately knowing that someone is there and does not want to be will undermine you,them and the relationship.

I wish you luck friend

Anxiety said:

I agree.

I am not sure what the issues are, but this book really helped me and my husband.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
by David Schnarch

You sound like someone who really wants to work on your marriage, I am so sorry you wife isn't the same way.
Marriage is a work in progress, it is never always happy. I have been married for 24 years, I am blessed to be married to my husband, but of course like any marriage, there are days you just want to pull your hair out. Thank god, those days only come about once a year for me. We both learn to take and give, I watch sports (gag) and celebrity poker (double gag) with him. And he watches my girlie girl movies (fried green tomato's, driving miss daisy, and steel magnolias) with me. It's a give and take.
I wish you only the best.
[Edited 9/22/07 13:32pm]

It's all about communication. Do whatever it takes to really communicate with each other.

PaisleyPark5083 said:

I think people who carry on like this, often dislike the way they're living and are terrified of change.
if love dies a natural death it leaves you with the choice of cowardly clinging onto its corpse or to move on to find a new love.

Try to part on good terms at least for the sake of the children. She wouldn't throw away a good father to her children simply on a whim. She's thought it through, she wants to go.

Give "men of the cloth" a very wide berth, when it comes to serious matters. They're not of this world.

And good luck.

I think it's very telling that you haven't mentioned your own feelings towards your wife.

Maybe you could try a trial separation?

avasdad said:

If she won't go with you to counseling...go by yourself. At the very least, you need to figure out how to deal with this so as to minimize the impact on your kids -- and the counseling will help with that. Maybe the counselor can help you figure out a way to get your wife there, too.