I would say to stick with it, for a while at least. It really sounds to me like you really want your marriage to work, so I think that you two really need to sit down and talk. Pack the kids off to grandparents or other family for the night and really TALK.

I've been married for a mere 7 years but we nearly broke up about 2 years ago - I was deeply unhappy and I think it had a lot to do with the change in our dynamics, becoming parents is a HUGE life changing event and the humdrum stuff of life can be a real comedown sometimes, no matter how wanted those children are (I speak from experience, our daughter is an IVF baby), they have a massive impact on you both. Speaking as a mother I love my daughter so deeply but at the same time I felt that I had lost my identity, my body, my social life, the closeness of our relationship. It took me a LONG time to get through those feelings and I realised that I needed to stop, take a step back and figure a way of dealing with things within myself and working on our relationship. Throughout it all I tried to talk to my husband to make him understand me and why I was being the way I was, but it took us a long time to figure what the issues actually were. Maybe this is where your wife is right now. I'll be honest and say that it has been difficult and has taken us a long time to get back on track, but it was never 'forced' and it wasn't about flogging a dead horse.

Above all you need to talk.

I really hope that you both sort things out...

Anxiety said:

What is significant is this:

I have been married the last 10 years and my wife tells me tonight that she's unhappy and has been for a long time.... (coming from someone who doesn't normally open up.....)
Plus:
I want to work this out but it seems like she doesnt want to...

It's painful, that's all I can say.

Anxiety said:

BUT! How would you respond, when presented with this? What would you say to the other person, who wants to walk out the door, and has made the statements this woman has to her husband?
(There's limited info here, so it's theoretically speaking.....this is beyond "stop clipping your toenails in bed".)
What she's said, gives me a sinking feeling of doom and gloom.
I get your gist, by the way.
[Edited 9/22/07 17:28pm]

xplnyrslf said:

Still, this is a woman who has been with her husband 10 years and who know how long before then. While she may not open up often, she knows what to say to get his attention -- hence these comments. And, maybe she's learning to share more and to be strong enough to confront him. There are other options beyond, "She said this because she's getting ready to leave."

xplnyrslf said:

I don't want to sound like the harbinger of doom here, but just based on what you said that your wife told you, it looks like your marriage is at a definite crossroads. I know it sounds like a ton of bricks has fallen on top of you and that her statement came out of nowhere, but my gut tells me that she probably has been giving out signs of her unhappiness in the marriage for quite some time. Either you didn't understand these signs she gave you or you put them aside thinking that things would work themselves out. I'm not trying to dump on you or criticize you abut you predicament; I'm speaking partly out of my own experience. I was in a relationship with a woman who was quite beautiful and very sexy but manipulative and flaky as well. I had been in some good relationships in the past, but no woman made me as sexually turned on as she did (or I should say when our relationship was going well). However, she was probably the biggest drama queen I've ever been around, and she would be very loving and supportive of me for weeks at a time, telling me how much she wanted to be with me, only to turn around days (or hours) later claiming that she needed space. Several of my friends tried to tell me that she was no good for me, and I even felt in my gut at times that I needed to dump her, but I let my emotions and hormones get the best of me. Eventually, it ended badly, and I have had difficulty to this day trying to get into relationships because of this experience.

At any rate, I hope for your sake that you can get some serious marriage counseling and work out your difficulties. It seems to me that your wife has already decided in her mind that this relationship is over, but hopefully she will participate in this counseling and you both can find out what has been making her unhappy for the past few years. Maybe her issues aren't necessarily about you; it could be that raising a family is extremely stressful for her and that it's easier for her to blame you than confront what is really bothering her. I don't know, but then again that's what the counseling is for.
[Edited 9/22/07 20:09pm]

now that we've all given our two cents on the state of your marriage (like we know anything )
i just wanted to send you a hug and let you know you are in my thoughts.

You've expressed concern about how this will affect your daughters. This web site may help:
http://www.helpguide.org/...ivorce.htm

It covers developmental stages of children and coping mechanisms, counseling needs, custody terminology, what parents can do to help children cope. It seems pretty thorough.
There's info on-line, not only about how to help your children, also about state laws regarding divorce, custody,attorney vs. mediator, etc.
I really hope things turn around. If not, the more info you have regarding your rights as father, the better off you'll be. Now isn't the time to be resigned and passive to whatever she decides.
By the way, I've been married 25 years with 3 grown children. If my hubby left me for another woman or whatever, I wouldn't take it lying down.
[Edited 9/23/07 10:10am]

Avasdad, really feel for you all in this situation. It may be your wifes really uncomfortable or just unable to discuss her emotions(if shes even aware of how shes feeling. Can she name them,put her finger on whats goin on 4 her ie anger,guilt,loss etc She says shes been this way for a while, that may explain why shes been unable to talk2u,if shes unable to determine what it is shes feeling she can't then explain them 2u! You could try talking to her,I think you've said somewhere she doesn't want to atall. Maybe she will listen 2u talk?? or if this is not something shes up 4, u could try writing a letter 2 her,give it 2 her,tell her 2 read it,think about it and maybe write one back 2u if she can't discuss it. She may just not be able to talk one to one but the fact she has brought this out into the open is a good sign...I know it might not feel like it. U could try the counselling option, fantastic marriage counselling or individual,alone if you think it will help. Like others have said, fight 4 the marriage,for your wife and kids. Its easy for us to sit here and give advice,feedback whatever but ur ALL living it,u,wife,kids-so just know alot of people are thinkin of u, sendin love and good thoughts to u in this really difficult situation.