as many of you know, i just lost my mom on sep 2. my father, despite the fact that he physically and mentally abused my mom, cheated on her their entire marriage, and ultimately left her for another woman (leaving her with five kids), is now offering an olive branch and wants to be part of the family again. my mom made peace with him, on some level (he actually visited her in the hospital the day she died), but i can't. he left at the same age i am now. we did not let him sit with us on the first two pews at the funeral (even though his aunt was up there). i know the bigger thing would be to forgive but not forget, but it's a little too late in my book to try and pull the red wagon and play catch.

what should i do?

Fury said:

First and foremost : do what your heart tells you to do.
Tell him how you feel, how he hurted you and how his decisions influenced your life and your childhood. Be straightforward, that's the most important.
Since you are in a grieving process, maybe now is not the right time. Tell him that too. Your heart will tell you what is the right thing to do.


take care

i agree that now is not the time to think about forgiveness. you need time to grieve for you mother . But later on down the line it would be best to forgive him for your own sake and sanity-not for his. a great weight would be lifted off your shoulders imo.

hmmm..I hated to read this and not comment...but I don't really know what to say...I'm not sure I could forgive or forget either...you should do what your heart tells you to...if you can omit him from your life without any sense of regret or guilt, so be it...if there's any doubt you can't, maybe you need to talk to him...find out where his head is now compared to where it was back then, not that it'll make anything any better but it would atleast start a dialouge or maybe some closure....
sorry about your mom...

Fury said:

At the end of the day you are really going to have to find the answer yourself. Kind of like when Dorothy goes through all that hell with the witch and some really dumb companions, it was she that had to journey to find the answers she was looking for

I would like to offer up this thread, if you haven't already read it, for my take on forgiveness. I can't say that I have been able to apply it equally to all situations in my life, but i did come to a great sense of peace in that specific situation

http://www.prince.org/msg/100/220882

You will find the answer that is right for you, which may or may not result in you accepting your father back into your life. YOU look for the answer that is right for you and don't let anyone else try and force your hand. Listen to your gut and your spirit, they will help you find the answer

I wish you well my friend and if you ever need to talk, I'll be here


[Edited 9/13/07 17:39pm]

I don't do that very well.

gemini13 said:

That's why your head is on a pink bug

I agree with the others. Now is not the time to be dealing with this situation. The first 6 months are going to be very hard and emotionally demanding. You need to concentrate on your own self and deal with your loss first before giving any energy to your father. Just because he wants peace doesn't necessarily mean he really deserves it.

Fury said:

Go to a CoDA meeting.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

there were 11 of us staying here at my house for most of the last week (me and my four siblings, 5 children and my sister in law)...my father just kept coming by and coming by, trying to inject himself into our grief. everyone else was cordial to him, but i just couldn't. over the last 9 months of my mom's life, he never went to see her in the nursing home or hospitals (other than that last day), never asked about her. i saw him more in the week after my mom's passing then i did in the last whole year combined. he apologized at the cemetary for whatever it was that he did to make me not want to speak to him, and i told him that it wasn't whaty he did to me, it was what he did to my mother. he agreed he did some bad things, and that i should take all the time i need to sort that out. but he keeps calling me (i don't answer). the ironic thing is that out of all the kids, i look exactly like my father did when he was my age now.

Fury said:

Is he making this much effort with everyone else? Maybe since you look just like him, subconciously he is trying to make peace with you as a way of making peace with himself.... IMO, you are not obligated to him. He has hurt you and your family and it is really not up to you to rectify the situation. You can however let it go in a real way. You can get there. Letting go, doesn't have to mean letting him in. Like Heybaby said, forgiveness is more about what you do for yourself than for someone else. Think on it and take your time. I'm confident you will find your answer

Fury said:

My honest, honest, honest opinion is some people do not deserve forgiveness.

Well, forgiveness really isn't about the other person. Its about yourself and releasing the anger, hate and rage. Forgiveness doesn't mean that person has access to your life again.

There is a process to forgiveness and right now grieving is more important. Its too much to have to do both BUT I just believe that I'm better when I sit down and process my feelings and then just release it. Its interesting how we hold on to our anger and hatred and the other person is really just ok.

Not to get all biblicial....we are given the same measure of forgiveness that we give. That's some scary ass stuff if you're an unforgiving person.

Just know that forgiveness is about YOUR healing and not really about the other person as much as people think.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Jesus doesn't wear makeup.

You will forgive when you are ready to forgive.

And if you choose to that's your choice.

Even if you forgive him, you don't have to have him in your life.

But really if you think about it, what happened was between your mom and dad. You're angry at what he did to your mom, which is understandable.

You cannot change the past.

That's a tough one.

All the advice above is really on point. You really can't force yourself to forgive him. You need to grieve first and then think about your father later. And yes, definately tell your father everything that you are feeling.

Take your time. Forgiveness is going to feel great, when it's time. Your time.

xxoo
[Edited 9/14/07 0:21am]

Fury said:

This is real tough, but you can't take what goes on in his mind and how he navigates his world...personal. Detach his thoughts and actions from your own and begin to understand that what he does is not an extension of you! Easy to say but hard to do...yet when you begin practicing it; your world will become much more clear to you and easier to live in.

I know it hard but you have to for your self.

I am going through a similar situation with a family member for the FIRST time ever!! My family is the tightest knit group of people ever...and it rocked my world to have to be in this situation with my own brother....but it is being fixed as we speak.

The one thing Love will always seek out...is MORE LOVE!!

You do not need to forgive if you dont want to. take as much time as you need, think things over.....time heals

I am in a similar situation. The details are boring, but the gist of it is my sister and her husband have disowned my family (and my brother's family, too). They did it over money, nothing else.

I believe what they did was wrong, but I have forgiven them. That said, I don't want to see them any more.

I would help them if they asked, but otherwise I hope to never see them again.

money can do messed up things with people schro


but fury... very strongly tell him you will hear him out someday
but now is not the time and that he needs to respect your space.
take the bull by the horns so to speak.

Focus on healing yourself right now.... deal with him later.

First of all, my condolences.
I lost my dad last year, so i know it's difficult losing a parent but things will slowly but surely get better.

Now i didnt always have a great relationship with my dad. He was an alcoholic that cheated on my mom, left when we were kids and started a whole new family and didn't speak to us for years.

It took me a couple of years of therapy to reconcile that within myself. But i eventually had to come to the conclusion that, none of us get handbooks on how to be grown-ups, parents, men/women, etc. My dad made a TON of mistakes with us and treated us horribly. But hanging on to all of that anger weighed ME down. It didn't damage him, it damaged me. It takes a lot of energy to carry all the anger with you. So i had to let it go.

My dad ended up getting sick a few years ago, and ironically it ended up being me that had to take care of him and handle his business affairs. There wasn't anyone else that could, so i stepped up and did it. I could've turned my back on him and said "serves you right for how you treated me!". I chose not too.

and when he passed away last year, when i thought that a part of me might feel relieved, i was shocked to realize how hard i'd take it. After everything he'd done, after everything he'd put me and my mom and my sister through, he was my dad. And he was gone.

So there you go. My suggestion would be to if you're not seeing a therapist, to go see one. It'll help you put things in perspective, and maybe you'll find a way to forgive him. Not so much for him as it is for yourself.

I don't know if you saw my thread about saying goodbye to my father but I'm no longer in touch with him, not because I'm unable to forgive him but because he's unable to respect me. Now, I HAVEN'T forgotten him for what he did when I was a kid but that didn't mean that we couldn't have a relationship as long as he kept respecting me, when he couldn't anymore I made the decision to now be around him anymore.
I'm not really interested in forgiving him, it's not important to me for some reason. I'm not even sure I've forgiven my mother despite the fact that we're close now, but again like I said it's not important for me, for us, to be able to function.
I don't know if it's anything like the answer you're looking for but it's all I can offer. That, and this: Do what's in your HEART, regardless of what that is. Consider only your own feelings, not anybody elses.