bascially you are at the point where you have raised them and they are making choices. I vote for communication, open communication but with some parental rules.
As for my experience
The rules didn't change, my expectations didn't change and the consequences didn't change all that much. So if the gound work has been laid and the communication is still there then keep talking to them they hear you it may not seem so but they do.

I have found that absolutes don't work with kids, like Don't Smoke my daughter smoked, but not in the house, not in front of me and didn't ask for money for cigs. She didn't lie to me when I asked if she smoked I told her I HATED that she did but that was about it. She got in trouble if she broke the rules, if her behavior changed I dealt with the behavior, if she lied, disobeyed, was disrespectful etc there were consequences pretty much the same stuff as before except the spankings, she had more to lose car, freedom, doing writing assignments for us in addition to school work etc. But all in all we muddled through with the relationship in tact.

Mach said:

One is 15 and one is 17
unfortunately all we know right now is the 15 yr old is the one having the sex ( that we have definite proof of)I did put her on .b.c. last yr, cause I knew eventually this would happen ( she has had a steady bf for a while now) the other one we have heard enough to lead us to believe she is , the 17 yr old is my step daughter and we've found out she is the one who got the 15 yr old to try "smoking"..

hisfan4ever said:

Mine are 15 ( 16 in Nov. ) and 18

Openess with balanced emotions - honesty and ( specially with the pot ) what you and their dad have talked about you will do when they get busted/arrested.

Mine wern't drawn to pot but they knew that if they were and when they got busted a night in jail would be where they would stay if the cops called ( just an exapmle )

Oh and YES

"could it possibly get any worse..."

yes ... YES it really could

I wish I had some foolproof answers. Perhaps your pastor can help? Maybe there's a "scared straight" program, or a chance to speak with young, unwed mothers so the girls know what the consequences can be? Maybe visit the county jail and let them where they'll go if they're ever busted?

For smoking, have them volunteer (don't just visit) at a hospital's cancer ward. If that doesn't do the trick, I don't know what will. I think the main message isn't that smoking will kill them; it's hearing from older smokers that it's impossible to quit even when you know you're killing yourself. Hopefully, they will be convinced to stop now while they still have the chance.

The sex thing, that is a biggie. If they like to have fun, maybe there's a way to convince them that the kind of fun they like to have (going out, dating guys, etc.) will be severly limited if not impossible should they get pregnant.

In any event. I'll pray for you and your family.

EverSoulicious said:

I know Everma....

There are times when Syd will come and tell me something and I've said..."Are you suppose to tell me this?" But I'd rather have her come and tell me all it than none of it.


Mach....as always...great advice

retina said:

Unfortunately, I am not telling my 12 year old girl not to not have sex but if she does to protect herself.

retina said:

I strongly disagree with that. I think you can get them to stop if they understand what the consequences will be.

And the consequences have to be plainly laid out. For instance, if you become pregnant and have a baby:

1. You will be the butt of every joke at school - forever
2. Everyone will think you are stupid. After all, you got pregnant!
3. Every guy will think you are a slut, because after all - you got pregnant!
4. You will never have the chance to be young, single and free
5. You will never finish school. I don't care if you are an honor student
6. You will never have a chance to date and marry a young, single, attractive guy, because those guys don't want ready-made families
7. The boy who gets you pregnant WILL leave you. He almost certainly won't be much of a Dad, either. He probably won't be a Dad at ALL
8. But I guarantee you this - he WILL leave you

I'm sure there are more.

Rhondab said:

Thanx

can't say if it's great advice - I have had "Teens" in my home for 18 yrs straight and all their friends and team mates - boyfriends/girlfirends...

just alot of time spent with them and many many other parents

is all I think really ...it goes back to my parents and how I was raised as well

Lothan said:

Why? Tell her to respect herself! Who cares what the other girls do? Doesn't she want to be a winner?

RodeoSchro said:

Aside from the guy leaving, I disagree with the rest of this. I wasn't a joke at school, no one thought I was stupid, I was an honor student and I finished school and I have dated young, single attractive guys: ready-made family or not.

what i wish someone had told me in highschool...

all focus was on "sex" - the act itself
i wish someone had said "you know, there is a lot of fun
you can have with out actually having intercourse"
one of the most exciting nights i had early on was fully clothed...

i wish someone had made sure we knew more about std's
no one ever said "you know, this non symptomatic std is the
highest cause of infertility among women... and you can get it
even though you use a condom!"

even as an adult seeing an episode of "er" where a girl had
gonorrhea in her throat made me go "whoa"

or the knowledge that the sweet guy that i thought would be my husband
back when i was 16 screwed cheerleaders when the football team went out of town
and now has herpes... had i slept with him that could be me too!

my friend's dad was a pharmacist and put her on birth control in highschool.
i was blown away at how accepting he was. mind you she was in a serious
relationship and the were obviously already having sex. meanwhile my drunken
first time i just assumed if he was going to have sex he would wear a condom.

i guess relationship sex versus trying to find acceptance and "love"
through letting boys fuck you are two very different things.
we can not forget who we were as teenagers and experiences
we had to learn from. as far as the smoking i've always thought
a visit to the hospital to get sage advice from someone suffering
from lung cancer or emphysema would be effective.

after they have all the information required to make a decision,
the rest is up to them.

RodeoSchro said:

Kids are dumb: if you tel them not ot do something, they will do the opposite. I do tell my daughter to respect herself and I never said anything about what the other girls are doing.

And dude, come on. I got pregnant at 17. I went from making 3.50 an hour to damn near six figures. Teen mothers become winners, too.

RodeoSchro said:

what planet are you living on?

Lothan said:

I dissagree 100% with that statement

I feel kids are far smarter then most ever give them credit for and often times smarted then the adults that surround them

Lothan said:

You overcame tremendous odds. Do you want your daughter to have to face those same long odds, or do you want her to have better advantages than you had?

I'm not telling anyone to dictate to their kids. If you look at that post of mine with the list, my message is, "IF you choose to have sex, THEN here are the consequences".

You're right - you can't tell the girls not to do it and expect a lot of success. But you CAN show them what the consequences are, and then let them make their own decision.

If you do your part of the job right, the odds are very high the kids will make the right choice.


EDIT - Lothan didn't quote the list post, but the other one.
[Edited 8/29/07 11:31am]

Rhondab said:

Earth. Husband and father of a 13 y.o. and an 11 y.o.

What do you disagree with on my list?
[Edited 8/29/07 11:32am]

Lothan said:

I have a friend who had her first baby at 15, second at 18. She finished highschool and college and is currently a VP at a company in the bay area. Some times people don't understand that it can still happen, it will be harder, ALOT harder, but success is still attainable. At least that's what we were taught as kids. We don't want our children to become parents as teens, but we don't tell them their lives are over and they are losers if they do.

butterfli25 said:

I understand what you're saying. But again, the odds are so stacked against young, unwed mothers. Wouldn't you agree with that?

And if so, wouldn't you want your daughter to not have to face those odds and that long, nearly-impossible struggle?

Is the chance to have pre-adult sex worth it?

Rhondab said:

TEXAS. This is how it goes down in the town I live in where they kick the pregnant girls out of school--hence his you won't finish school note above.

1. OK not so sure on the joke thing.
2. yes everyone will think you are stupid for not using protection.
3. you are a slut, just like every one else, you just got caught and that makes you stupid.
4. you are still young and single...free is in the eye of the beholder.
5. yeah in texas they kick the girls out even the honor students and let the boys continue to play football and finish school.
6. yeah that athlete that got you pregnant will go to college, and his church going family who never recognizes the baby will see that he marries a girl from said college who was smart enough to make him use protection.
7. yeah he will leave you unless your parents press charges then he won't go to college either.

and yes you are right I don't want my kids to have to work as hard as I did. BUT if they make a mistake it is not the end of the world and they are not losers just because society in this climate seems to label them as such.
BUT you know it and I know kids have sex, not all of them but some of them do. So you talk to them tell them to look around at the consequences of the actions of others and let them choose. When they fall down you help them up, dust them off and set them on their feet again--that's what love is about.

Rhondab said:

RodeoSchro said:

1) They will not be the butt of every joke at school. Too many of these very kids are products of teen parents. These kids will not be the joke forever
2) EVERYONE won't think you're stupid depending on the circumstance
3) Depending on the age of pregnancy, this maybe was about to end anyway BUT young parents can still enjoy being young...I did
4) There are girls in school as we speak who have had children and will graduate. I've worked with a numerous amount of women who were teen mothers and who now have their master's.
5) There are some men who won't mind marrying a woman with a child because they probably have a child of their own.
7) My 20 year old cousin just had a baby with a young woman and he didn't leave her. Not all young men are irresponsible. I should say that he was second in his high school class and is in his second year at IU studying computer engineering. The mother is also a student and is continuing her education
8)Not all men leave.



Once again..what planet do you live on? There women are this site who were teen mothers and are quite successful.

When I became pregnant at 22, my parents didn't tell me that life is over because I was young mother. They motivated me to continue my education AND supported me. Too many times WE give up on them. We tell them life is over and then wonder why....they behave like life is over.

I know too many women who turned it around for me to buy into anything you've said.

RodeoSchro said:

I don't thing anyone is advocate FOR teenage pregnancy but we do know that you can overcome it. What happens with teen mothers is that many don't have the support systems to help them move forward and truly prepare for motherhood.

Its definitely not the ideal. My daughter will quickly tell you that she will not have a baby anytime soon based on watching her cousins go through it BUT she said to me that she knows that it can be successfully done. She has gone with me to workshops I've given for teen mothers who are take the necessary steps to become great mothers.

Rhondab said:

With all due respect, you're using a limited sampling to buttress a weak point.

Of all the women who got pregnant before graduating high school, how many achieved the level of success of Ivy or Butterfli's friend? Would you agree the percentage is very low? Probably in the single digits?

How many lived in poverty or paycheck to paycheck their entire lives because they had to support a family on their own? How many were caught in the spiral and couldn't get out? Would you agree that percentage is high? Maybe higher than 50%? Maybe even higher than 85%?

I want to re-emphasize that all this discussion from me revolves around Ivy's statement that she's not telling her 12-year-old NOT to have sex. She's telling her to use protection if she does have sex.

I can't get with her on that; at least, not on the first part.

RodeoSchro said:

I asked my daughter if she was having sex. She said she wasn't. I explained to her the consequences if she did. The reality of our lives is that she has a 12 year old that just had a baby. I am not so stupid as to believe she'd never do it. In telling her the consequences, I feel I have, in essence, told her not to. I feel it would be stupid not to tell her to protect herself if she does it.

I'm not helping her raise a child, I'm not babysitting.

Lothan said:

When you put it that way, it sounds like we're on the same page.

Where the consequences you explained similar to the ones I laid out? Just curious.

RodeoSchro said:

With all due respect, but you did use words like "never", "All" ,etc. Didn't you?

Two, I've worked with teenage mothers so I know that there are success stories and not just one or two but many more. You can't state my point is weak on a topic you are obviously unfamilar with but just guessing at.

Yes, if you're a teen mother, you're more likely to live in poverty and struggle. Those stats are there BUT you can't come up with some list of "never will" when you have those who have right in your face either.
I think that what Ivy is doing is for Ivy's child and not yours. Ivy has a situation with her daughter and that she need to address it accordingly.

My daughter has been raised seeing and knowing what condoms are since she was five years old. I spoke with her about prolonging sex as long as possible, into adulthood but also she is very aware that if at 16, soon to be 17, that she wants to have sex, she needs to use a condom.
[Edited 8/29/07 13:02pm]

RodeoSchro said:

No, they were nothing like the consequences that you posted.

Lothan said:

Lothan said:

What were they?