retina said:

What a great post.

So, so, so true.

Indeed. Lots of wise words. I am sorry for your loss, Shaus. I lost my mom four years ago and even though the pain of missing her does not get less, I find myself managing it better.
Still, no day passes without me thinkingof her. So I know your burden. Do not be afraid to ask for a shoulder to cry on, when needed, mate. There's nothing like comforting.

I'm so sorry Shausler.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Loads of those moments in the future for everyone that loses a dear one. Small things will help you remember your loved ones at the strangest times. Just let the emotion flow when it happens, don't bottle up, but also try not to be overwhelmed.

I remember being gutted when someone, a few months after, reminded me that I am now in fact, an orphan. I had not even thought about it that way! It made me feel real sad and it took me some time to overcome that feeling.

On the other hand, the experience totally bonded and deepened the relation I have with my brother and sister. Amazing people, we helped eachother out when it comes about talking and remembering, loads of remembering.

My Mom passed away 10 years ago, and I still miss her beyond words. It does not go away, it just get's more tolerable to accept. There is no deeper love then one between a Mother and child. You honor your mother by moving on.

PaisleyPark5083 said:

so true

I am so sorry for your loss......I can't relate, but I dread the day that I have to face that situation.....

that you are able to come to terms, but in your own way and time...

I'm sorry, Shausler. I'm too inexperienced as of yet to really say anything worthwhile, but I wish you all the strength in the world to find your way through this.

Somebody once said this to me about grief... your loved one will be the only thing you can think off, all day and every day. Then, for a second, you will find yourself taken out of yourself and thinking of something else. One day you will genuinely laugh at something, but then feel guilty. Eventually you will be able to think of that person without pain but with only warmth and love with the knowledge that you will always miss them.

shausler said:

it takes a LONG time to recover from the death of a parent.

you'll never be the same again but your heart will grow back.

hang in there, you

just getting those feelings out will help you ....

I'm sorry to hear about your mum dying, I know how hard it is, my dad died last year and everything just seemed void and pointless. I was 19 at the time and I found him thanks to being alerted by the dog howling. It still haunts me, but everyday you will heal slightly more as cheesy as it sounds.

I have no idea if you have brothers and sisters but I found it seemed everyone was coping better than me inc. my mum but they just hid it better. I've toiled with the pain alot since it happened, finding him I had the guilt of "what I've I'd got there that little bit sooner."

Everyone seems to take their own time to grieve and sometimes you'll have good days, othertimes you'll want to find the darkest room and... well you know. My heart goes out to you though, it took me bout 6 months to stop crying everyday and its got gradually less.

I hope you begin to feel better sooner rather than later. If you need someone to talk to you are welcome to drop me an org note.

Love,

Jane xXx

JaneyPoos said:

shausler said:

HamsterHuey said:

Four years, I remember your posts

Shaus, four months

I know this might sound weird but I mean in the best way. What you are doing now is right, please suffer, cry, wail and howl. Look at photos and remember, cry some more, think about the loss because THIS will never change. The early stages of grief are so very important.

I lost my mom 18 years ago and time does nothing to heal the pain, please don't expect it to. I was still a teenager, tried to keep it to myself, and I still suffer - very much. I am crying now just thinking about it, but smiling too - because that is what changes.

You learn to come to terms with your own emotions, don't be afraid of them, embrace them. You represent the living part of you mother now, and you pass on what she gave you - that is what life is all about.

Please don't take this post the wrong way. I don't wish suffering on anybody but it is incredibly important that you go through this cathartic process. Don't fight it. I am glad you posted, that is healthy, org note if you like.


[Edited 8/15/07 6:38am]

shausler said:

You're right about that. It's been four years, yet I think about my mother everyday. There's a hole in my heart that'll never be healed. I find myself less happy and more angrier. The only thing that keeps me going are my brother's kids, especially his 10-month old baby girl.

thank you again everybody

your words of wisdom comfort me very much

anything good about me comes from my relationship with my Mom

your words reafirm this

Maybe you need to sing it out with more song.

2the9s said:

trust me

i have tried

I lost my dad 3 years ago, and I can relate to all of this.



No, it really won't. Losing a parent has shaped my life more than almost anything else. I'm not the same person at all.



There's not a day I don't think about the loss of my Dad, but I believe in you and I think your spirit will shine through.



I totally get this too. When my dad died, I was a graduate student at the University of Utah. I was part of an intramural basketball team that included a father and son. After I came back from the funeral, we were enjoying a practice and they were fighing like cats and dogs, saying really nasty things to each other. I felt so angry, thinking what I wouldn't give to be able to play basketball with my dad. Moreover, I have a lot of cousins who are a lot older than me (10-15 years), and they still have both parents. I never resented them for it, but when one of them called up and tried to tell me how I should move on and get on with things, it felt wrong.



Your heart is still there. Your mom will always dwell there and is proud of you. Her spirit will resonate in your heart forever, and that will give you strength.

All the best, my friend.

shausler said:

Well, as someone who lost his mom when I was a teenager (many years ago), I can sympathize with how you feel. And, as Moonbeam said, the loss of her shaped me more as a person than any other thing in my life. And, I am a much stronger person for it.

So, even though it doesn't seem like it now (and you're probably tired of hearing it), it will get easier to deal with over time. I always have her in my mind and heart during times of accomplishment, sorrow, celebration, and every other meaningful momentof my life.

I miss her not being able to answer me when I ask her a question in my mind, but she is still the best life compass I have or ever will have. I know you can still maintain your relationship with her in that way and she can still be an important part of you forever.

May you find your peace.

retina said:

shausler said:

Steve you are a good man, you stand as such because of her. She is proud of you and you are very loved by those around you. Much of that is due to her.
From us we say thankyou to your Mom for the man she helped define.
If you need anything .....

[Edited 8/16/07 2:52am]

Your feelings are honouring the love you have for your Mum.

Keeping in touch with how you feel, letting it out, sharing it with other people will further honour the relationship with your Mum. These actions will then mean in time, your feelings will change.

I don't think the change I refer to means that you will forget, but rather, that what you are experiencing is grief and there are differing stages to grief. Your Mum brought you into the world; she is not physically here anymore but she is not dead - she has a portion of the Eternal, like us all... Of course you won't feel like laughing at this time - because of what she means to you - maybe you are putting some pressure on yourself to be a certain way in front of other people - if that's the case, then at the moment, self kindness by giving yourself permission to feel just simply the way you feel is I think the best gift you can give to yourself.

i wish to let yall know

i had my baby sister read this thread


she was deaply moved by all of the wise sentiment that came from it


thanks again

shausler said:

I can literarily say I know what you are going through...On September 1st it will be exactly nine months since my Mom passed away.

I can't tell you it gets any easier. In fact it is getting a little bit worse for me. I think this is because my Mom did not want a big funeral or even a small ceremony for her. We respected he wishes and she was cremated and her ashes spread out to sea...but none of us were there. So it feels like I never really got to say goodbye.

I think it is starting to really hit me now because I was so busy being so strong for my Father who was married to her for 41 and a half years. And strong for my wife and my three daughters, especially my oldest who was really close to my Mom. I think that did not give me time to grieve properly and now it is coming out.

The only thing I can say is that we all carry on, the way she would have wanted us to. She would not have wanted us to suffer or struggle or put our lives on hold. I know she would have wanted us to remember her fondly, with a smile and to continue to live life to the fullest.

I know it sounds like a cheap cliché but it is true. She would be mad if we had put our lives on hold or stopped enjoying life. And while I do not know you nor did I know you Mom, ask yourself, how would she want you to live your life? She gave you the great gift of life. She cared for you and loved you unconditionally so that you enjoy that gift. So that is what I am doing now, remembering my Mom with a smile and enjoying life the best I can, cherishing this gift that my Mom has always wanted me to enjoy, and I hope you can do the same.