my heart is heavy as i type this. just two days ago i found out that there is no cure for my father's cancer. there's nothing more that doctors can do. and today, i am taking him to get an operation to help his kidneys function somewhat better. as i arrived at my parents i was as usual greeted by my little 3 lbs chihuahua. which to my mother, is HER dog. and my dad's chihuahua which is a little bigger. a few moments after my arrival, my mom called out to me in a voice that is undeniably that of sheer despair. my little dog was having a seizure, and in an instant she went limp and lifeless. my dad said it was a heartattack. now anyone who says it's just a dog, in my opinion has no regard for life in general. this dog was/is a part of my life, my family, my heart. i can't nor will i attempt to put into words what she meant/means to my mother. i called the veteranarian emergency, but there was nothing they could do as she no longer had a pulse. she took her last breath in my mother's, her mother's arms. my mother is completely devastated. my father held back tears, but i saw them run down his face as he comforted my mother. i 've yet to let one run down my cheek. maybe i am in shock. maybe with everything else going on i don't have time to cry. i don't know.

she was a healthy only 6 year old dog that loved sleeping under your shirt, was full of life and vigor. who fit in the palms of my hands, love to play. she barked at anyone that came in 5 feet of my mom. she was my mom's heart. whose ever heard of a chihuahua as a guard dog? well she was one. lol. i feel guilty for laughing, for looking on the brighter side of things. i in some way feel as my early arrival (or late..4.45 am) may have caused her too excitement for her little heart. i wish i could post a picture of her but i don't have one on this computer.

today is filled with so many emotions. despair, guilt, loss, anger, hoplessness. maybe that's why i can't shed a tear. i've accepted death from an early age. but still question the meaning of life, be it man or beast. and what comes after this one. just 3 years ago i lost my best friend to a mistake on an operating table. 2 days ago i find out my father's days are numbered, and in an instant, my little dog was taken from me. in my head i keep hearing my mother asking God "why did you take her from me." hearing your mother, whose had an extremely difficult life, full of loss, crying and looking to God, and not being able to find the words to comfort her is beyond heart breaking.

i guess putting this out here helps in some way. i don't know. so today i have to take her little soul and say goodbye for now, and then take my father to an operation that will help extend his life, yet will also be cause discomfort. so what now, what next...and why? i feel this is another reason why i don't want attachment to anyone in life. because people always leave. no matter how much you hold on or hope or even love.

as i sat watching the sun rise, looking up i could only think one thing. that is, that those whose suffer the most on earth, will have the highest place in heaven. i hope that each of you will hug anyone that you love or even a stranger. or someone that might just need an ear. and let them know that they are loved. this includes your pets.

thanks for reading.

God bless each and every one of you, and your families. be it with 2 or even four leg ged.