JustErin said:

Don't worry, it's only happened once. And it's sure not easy to pick up vibes through a stupid Skype chat window.

Anx said:

Okay, so you want to be handled in a male way. What a surprise.

How do you handle others though, if they come to you with their problems? Also in a male way?

.

retina said:

retina said:

not for me...it seems like i'm the last person folks would think of to ask for advice, not out of spite but they seem to not think of me or something, i dunno.

I think most people are just like Carrie described. I try to assume that and let them have their feelings, though if I'm not careful it's super easy for me to fall into 'here are some ways to fix this' mode.

I actually don't usually go to other people for comfort/support. If I do, it's probably because I'm stuck and really feel like I NEED advice, or at least another perspective. And I'll actually follow the advice, too, assuming it came from somebody I trust (which it generally does, or I wouldn't talk to them about it).

Once in a while I need to whine about something, but then I think it's pretty obvious that that's what I'm doing, and you pat my head and say poor baby and turn around and roll your eyes and move on. People seem to get it.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Next time I need advice I'm totally asking you.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

thanks.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

that was exactly what I was thinking as well

Mach said:

It's fun to give advice! Maybe I'll start an org advice column.

men:


women

HereToRockYourWorld said:

go for it !!

retina said:


Oh no. You don't want to do that with me. You don't want to hear endless ramblings about "the symbolic order being the one that is traversed alongside with the phantasmatic registry and the objet petit a still being carried within our physis alongside with the now non-communicative big Other, which needs to be returned to its original state no matter what". I've noticed people tend to get pissed off at me for some reason after being subjected to that for a while.



I guess. Hoever, I'm Finnish, and the males here rather just get drunk together. The other one will usually understand a few bottles of vodka.



I wouldn't even dare to say anything else to this than the female way.



I think I first have to be genuinely concerned about the other person, because most of the time people complain about matters that really should matter jack squat if they just paused for a second to think of their importance. However, having spent the first decade of my adulthood still very much tied to the musician / art student / whatever circles it's easy for people like us to do some activity together, or just do something as small as hang out at record stores for an afternoon. You can discuss the problem alongside with other things, but not focus on it solely (a better approach with males, I think). It's not about trying to push it back or pretending it doesn't exist, but rather see it as accomodated with the normal flow of things.

Most people seem to prefer their personal troubles being set on a sort of a narrative timeline, once they are able to do that and not let it fully govern the "now" moment it's all getting easier from that moment. Ignoring personal troubles or psychological symptoms doesn't lead anywhere, however it's the current moment that needs to be liberated from the emotional strain. By conceptualizing things they will shape into a more definitive form in the human mind and are more easily worked around (then they are ready to be "pushed back").

A lot of the struggle people feel that they are going through is because they've arrived at a moment of "conflict" - they are antinomies that really cannot be even properly solved out. It's exactly what causes the frustration, because there isn't even an imaginable cure to the situation (would there be, the negative feelings would not have even arised originally). That is why people wallow in their misery, the negative feelings cannot even be sorted out because the negative feeling in itself is the negative feeling resulting from the effort at trying to rationalize things that have arrived at an unsolvable contradiction. It's not displeasure from the circumstances themselves, but a hindered thought process that isn't going anywhere. That's why it's "mental stress".

So, yes. I do it the male way, I guess.

novabrkr said:

Huh?

I've been in trouble many times for trying to offer solutions to my GF's problems rather than simply comfort her.

I wouldn't say it's black & white--men do this & women do this--but generally I think you're right.

i kinda like it to be rationalized. for me it kind of thwarts my focus on the pain itself-i'm a very sensitive person when it comes to my feelings and others but i hate it. when people tell me their problems i tend to rationalize them. i don't need someone to sit and look with puppy eyes telling me "oh i'm so sorry". i accept the sorry but honestly it really does nothing for me.

Ouch!

I agree completely that in most case that is the way it goes...as for what I prefer.....to b listened to and understood...a chance to vent

Mach said: Now I'd like to ask:

Do you agree that these are common ways for a man and a woman respectively to show support? Yes I agree these are a common way ... though not the only way
I agree that generally this is how both men and women would handle this situation but of course there is some gray area between the sexes.

Which way do you usually prefer to be handled? A mix of both ... a balance
I am a very practical person so I would rather get some good sound advice than someone to hug me and sympathize with me. After all, I am not a child.

Which way do you usually handle others? A mix of both ... a balance
I usually handle others the way I would like to be handled.

I don't feel it appropriate to vent to anyone the things I would like to say are not the right things for anyone to say, so I keep it to myself.

I don't vent to the master, cause I really don't feel like a "lets make it happen" discussion. His solution is "if you want it, lets get the ball rolling" and it is way too practical for me when I am feeling complicated, and it's not JUST about what I WANT. If I vent to my mum she just sisghs and I wish I had not burdened her. Lucky I have a grubbeltomte.

ZombieKitten said:

grubbeltomte?

novabrkr said:

Esaias Tegnér, a Swedish poet, once wrote: Det dunkelt sagda är det dunkelt tänkta. It roughly translates to: "That which is obscurely said, was obscurely thought". When people express themselves the way you do, it's usually either 1) because of what Tegnér said, or 2) because they want to seem educated/smart and don't realize that describing a concept (even a difficult one) clearly is a higher art than expressing it in an intricate way, or 3) because they've forgotten that the whole purpose of speaking and writing is to communicate a message to others.

In your case, even though your choice of vocabulary/terminology among other things would suggest option 2, I'd like to think and hope that it's just a temporary and mild version of option 3.

NDRU said:

I've gotten into sooo much trouble for that reason too, so I can sympathize.

ZombieKitten said:

I haven't even answered the question, and you know why? I have never had the female type of support I can't compare

ZombieKitten said:

i understand completely

brownsugar said:

I think I like the female approach best!

brownsugar said:

Interesting. I can see your point there. You don't feel like your sweeping the pain under the rug though? I mean, it won't come back and bite you in the ass later while you're in the middle of following your rational plan?

IrresistibleB1tch said:

Ocean said:

retina said:

nah, i dont sweep it under the rug, it just helps me handle it better without losing it.
[Edited 1/11/07 15:21pm]