.

If a friend comes to you and tells you he or she is depressed or feeling sad because of something (or nothing in particular), how do you usually handle it?

I find that men usually try to rationalize the situation and identify the problem that is causing the negative feelings. When the problem is identified, the man then proceeds to try to come up with a solution, which might be to do a specific action, or to adopt a certain attitude, for example.

A woman, on the other hand, usually focuses on listening and understanding instead. They allow their friend to vent, and show sympathy by for example telling their friend about something similar that they have experienced and explain that it is normal to feel that way in a situation like the one described.

When I myself am feeling depressed I'd much rather be handled "the female way" than "the male way". So much so actually, that I'm often reluctant to even tell a male friend about my problems. Ironically though, if someone comes to me with a problem, I do tend to slip into the male way of handling it, even though I know I wouldn't like it if I was in their shoes.

Maybe the two ways are appropriate for different phases of the depression? Maybe the female way is better when the feelings are new and intense, while the male way is better if someone has been depressed for a long time and gotten stuck in a destructive pattern? I don't know.

Now I'd like to ask:

Do you agree that these are common ways for a man and a woman respectively to show support?

Which way do you usually prefer to be handled?

Which way do you usually handle others?

.

I prefer the way men do everything.

Actually, I'm really not sure what to put as a response when talking about how I am with others, but I suppose I like people who listen and then give some advice.

So I like a little of both, I guess?

I just skimmed, it's rather long, forgive me.

I prefer to be hugged, told everything will n=be okay, and that no matter what, I'm still cute.

For real though, I hate when people are afraid to skate around the truth, it's insulting to one's intelligence.

honestly, I handle things differently with everyone. I never know how I'm going to act or react.

JustErin said:

Well of course you do, we all do.

But which one do you prefer?

And if you think about it, I'm sure you know how you usually handle others.

Now change your boring diplomatic answer to a real one.

jerseykrs said:

Well that was enlightening.

SureThing said:

Is that usually how you treat others too?

it's kinna hard for me to say, because my friends seldom come to me and ask for advice to begin with. sucks too, because it'd be nice to practice honing my advice-giving skills for once. the advice i have given has been good, no complaints or "why'd you tell me that?!"-type stuff yet.

i feel like an untapped resource.

retina said:[quote]

SureThing said:

Honestly? You REALLY wanna know the truth?

Yeah. I'm really self absorbed.

But not in a rude way. I like when other people tell me their probs, and I really really do listen and feel bad for them, I jsut suck at knowing what to say to make them feel better. So I feel insignifigant when people ask me advice on stuff or whatever, like I'm not gonna have anything worthy to say to them, so I ususally end up relating it back to something that happened to me, and then it's ends up being about me.

But I really DON'T do it to be like, oh it's all about me.

It's just the only way I know how to help.

I think the timing is what's important, as you said. When I first come to someone, I don't want to hear, 'This is how you should deal with this. This is what to do.' I just want to vent and commiserate. Later, and frankly only from certain people I trust, am I ready to accept advice on what to do. I almost always already know what to do and how to handle. Sometimes I might just need a nudge, or once in a great while someone will have an idea I hadn't already thought of and that's appreciated. But coming at me too early with a 'solution' feels like it's trying to cut me off from having any emotions about it. And sometimes you just need to get mad, frustrated, sad, whatever. I have to acknowledge how I'm feeling before those feelings can pass.

retina said:

I prefer people who can do both and hate all others that can not.

There.

I would like to think that I do both. I will listen, sympathize and then tell them what I would likely do in their situation.

Gaah!

People are cranky today.

p.s. Jersey, you're a dink.

jerseykrs said:

That's true. Often times I find myself in the advice giving role. It's how I process the situation sometimes.

Now I'd like to ask:

Do you agree that these are common ways for a man and a woman respectively to show support? Yes I agree these are a common way ... though not the only way

Which way do you usually prefer to be handled? A mix of both ... a balance

Which way do you usually handle others? A mix of both ... a balance

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Okay, so you immediately speak of them as "advice-giving skills". In other words, it sounds like you would have what I called a male approach. Interesting.

JustErin said:

SureThing said:[quote]

retina said:

Yeah, that can be a "side-effect" of the female way of handling it. It doesn't usually bother me unless the person doing it is selfish in other situations too. It's always good to hear about similar experiences, IMO.

CarrieMpls said:

Very well described. I'm almost exactly the same way.

Mach said:

retina said:

Yeah. Like I tend to come of indifferent too, but I'm really not.

I just don't know what to say, and I don't wanna sound stupid.

Or I try to make something funny out of it, which probably comes off as insincere.

I hate when ppl give advice though, and get pissed when you don't take it.

retina said:

SureThing said:

Oh, humor can be a great tool. You have to judge your audience well, though, and I think that's what you're getting at. If I'm doing it myself, I'll usually follow up with, 'oh, I know I shouldn't joke...' and I usually get a good reception.
I know I absolutely adore people who can make me laugh through some tears.

retina said:

yeah...i always think of the situation, and have a visual of it pop up in my head so i get kind of a play-by-play when someone's telling me their problem. i'll most definitely comfort people as well, if their situation's really troubling, but mostly i run it back in my head and think of what to tell them before i open my mouth. to me, giving wise advice is a bit more important than simply saying "i know how you feel, here, gimme a hug". i work mostly with my intuition and common sense.

when i'm really upset, it's usually due to some problem to which i can't find a solution. i guess i'm very male in that regard.

the mopey, woe-is-me type stuff i keep to myself. i don't hold on to those feelings very long, anyway.

CarrieMpls said:

I like to handle it this way too. Unfortunately, it can really backfire on you sometimes.

CarrieMpls said:

Yes, I totally agree.

(now you know how Anx feels when you're around )

JustErin said:

I agree with this too. If done wrong, it can go very wrong.

retina said:

Does that mean you're my #1 fan?

retina said:

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

That's usually how I handle it too. I guess it makes intuitive sense to me to try to solve a problem when it's presented to me. And sometimes it does work. I do think there might be a reason that people don't come to either you or me with their problems very often though, and that reason might be that they know how we'll react and that's not what they're looking for at that time. It's really frustrating though, because all we want is to help the best we can!

CarrieMpls said:

I don't know. There might be some truly hardcore fanatics out there with your pictures all over their walls.

I only have one on mine!

j/k...
[Edited 1/11/07 8:52am]