why/how do we reach these lows? the easy way out? sure is. pain vs. feeling nothing? a coward or someone whose body and soul are completely tired and drained, that ending it all becomes so inviting. ache and tears vs. peace. ironic? why not be dead if you're already dead inside. feeling undeserving and having the world confirm it. i don't know...what exactly makes sense and what doesn't. or should i even care.

CHIC0 said:

I have a lot of thoughts to share on this subject, much too personal to share here. If you need to talk, note me.

I feel like that a lot....it was worse last night...i'm too chicken to try anything. I think it's wrong for these people to be called cowards. No one knows what they are going through.

unlucky7 said:

I agree. I've reached a low before, and the only thing that stopped me from doing it is I was too chickenshit to follow through. I'm a pretty open book on the topic.

Ultimately I'm glad I didn't have the balls to do it, and I learned a very valuable lesson. Things can be shite MOST of the time, but they won't be ALL of the time. It took me awhile to pull through from it all, but the good worked its way back into my life eventually.

CortestheKiller said:

yep

Stymie said:

Same here. Talk to me Chico.

Well, I don't believe in "too personal", as everybody knows, so here we go.

I went through a period of time when I sincerely did not want to live, and was not afraid to die. At the end of the day, the only thing that kept me alive was thinking about how much it would hurt people I love if I killed myself. Especially my Mom. I just can't fucking stand the idea of her being so . . . broken. It was worth however many years of misery to me to prevent doing that kind of harm.

But every tree I drove by at 60mph looked inviting, every tall bridge seemed merciful, and every cold, black body of water looked like peace. I fantasized constantly about just being allowed to sink and become as cold as the ocean.


I decided that it wasn't an option. And one day, with time and therapy and lots of Wellbutrin, the sun came out. And now I can hardly fathom that I ever felt that way. I think a person just has to put one foot in front of the other and wait for the sunshine. And: be willing to ask for help. Be willing to accept weakness and humanity as reality, and get what you need.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

I went for a week of xanax, several months of lexapro, and a responsibility free life with some relatives in Florida for a few months. It takes mending.

CortestheKiller said:

Ah, Xanax. Yeah, for a while, I had Xanax and Norco getting me through a substantial number of my days. And nights. Not the smartest thing (in my case; I'm not saying that the situations were the same), but I don't regret it. I survived, and managed to not get addicted, so. . . yeay for better living through chemistry.

But yeah, I shouldn't make it sound like it was all this healthy thing, because before I got to the point of getting some help, I was taking pretty poor care of myself.


Mending. Figuring out what's needed to mend. It's hard, especially from that place.
[Edited 11/2/06 22:44pm]

HereToRockYourWorld said:

Yeah. Even under normal circumstances it can be hard to find a place to just start...

And Xanax isn't the best idea, but I was having panic attacks at the time, so that's what I stayed on. I don't remember much of that week, cos lots of sleep was involved. And phenigrin for the nausea.

For me, what I figured out was that I needed a bit of time where I just didn't have to think about anything except sitting on my scrawny little ass. The big change of environment for awhile helped immensely. Gave me a whole new outlook.

Perhaps the old Chico is dead and a new one is trying to be born. Painful process.

CHIC0 said:

CHICO!!!!! orgnote on it's way right now

has anyone heard from Chico since this post?

noone at all's heard from him?

Natisse said:

SoulAlive said:

exactly!!! damn it being 2am in Cali I'm too scared to call him but my stomach is dropping coz noone seems to have heard from him after this... please say so, anyone who has?

I never was in the situation myself, so my personal experience and thoughts on this are somewhat limited, but I saw a movie just the other day and it had some thoughts in it that stuck to my mind... if you want to end your life, OK go on do it. but you don't have to kill yourself for this! break out and do something different. like going to Africa and help starving kids or whatever else comes to your mind... but whatever you chose it still will be better than not being there at all...

Natisse said:

I'm in Cali too and I just called him,but no answer The call went straight to his Voicemail.He usually stays up late.

SoulAlive said:

do you think he'd stay up this late - does he normally keep his cell on?

Natisse said:

Yeah,he stays up late all the time.I have called him during these late night hours before.He likes to post on the Org late at night.

Message to CHICO:

I know it's late,but if you're reading this,please answer your phone!

Life is shit. The only things keeping me alive are:
Music
Love
Sexuality

FuNkeNsteiN said:

with all respect Funkenstein that is SO not what he needs to hear right now... sorry

Natisse said:

Aye, you're right. I should probably try to cheer him up instead of posting my own semi-depressing views on the subject.
Anyway, CHIC0, I'm sure you can find joy in the same things as I. Listen to some great music and let your worries slip away. Suicide is never the right answer to anything. Sometimes life can seem like a bitch, actually, I had a phase just like that not too long ago, but you know, just keep thinking about the good things and don't try to keep your mind off the negative stuff.

FuNkeNsteiN said:

ok because this is an intense subject and because it's you, Chico, and I love you...

I used to have a very close friend of the family named Aaron. he was my age I went to school with him and he lived 2 doors away... I fell in love with him and still believe he's my soulmate. in 1995 he committed suicide by jumping from a cliff face in our hometown. I SO was not prepared for it and the day of his funeral went home, said to my friends who I was living with at the time that I was going to bed, and went and took roughly 40 sleeping tablets. I woke up 16 hours later and told them what I'd done they were livid, understandably...

my point is that Aaron didn't think about those he left behind, those that love him still... his family are still really grieving for him 11 years later. I didn't think about it either I didn't think about my family and friends (especially the ones I was living with and who would have gone in to find me) I didn't think about 11 years later I'd be living here in London having met some of the most AMAZING and precious people in the world to me

life is for living...

For Chico


and Natisse

what worries me is that this is not the first time that Chico has done a thread about suicide Could this be something that he's seriously thinking about?!

SoulAlive said:

it's not? ok... regardless, I've still not heard from him it's almost 6am I'm not sure what time he's usually up and about but I'm calling at 9.30am again if I haven't heard...

Chico we love you

CHIC0 said:

I've been having this debate with myself for as far back as I can remember stopping all the pain vs. not feeling....feeling undeserving, the world confirming it, but suicide is not the only option, there are those who understand and have been there where you are even though it might not or doesn’t seem like…Please talk to us, post and let us know that you’re okay!!!