I know things are different in different states but perhaps some of you can help answer some questions I have.


Long story short, my sister has 3 kids and a loser boyfriend. Essentially my sister is a single parent because in the 17 years they have been together he has maybe worked 3 of those years. A month here, 3 weeks there, 3 months here, 2 months there..... Most of the time he is just living off her and whatever he can take from her.

They were living 3 doors down at his mother's house but his mother sold the house and they got evicted. Now they are back at my mom's. With her income and three kids to take care of, she just doesn't make the kind of money needed to pay the rent. The rents here in California are huge. Well her boyfriend is back in jail and might be there for 6 months. Right now I don't really know.

Here are my questions:

• Can I approach social services in an anonymous way? I don't want to contact them and they demand to know who I am and then things get totally out of my/her control.
  
• If she goes to them, they will want to know who the father is and they will try and make him pay. But that is like getting blood from a turnip. It just isn't going to happen. So even though he is completely unreliable as a caregiver, is my sister still obligated to go through him or can social services still help?
  
• I am thinking about possibly moving away with her, just her me and the kids. I don't want him involved in their/our lives. If I went this route, should I consider taking out a restraining order against him since it will be my place and I don't want him there? If I move in with my sister, even though I'm not a legal custodian, will social services look to me to provide the help that my sister needs? I am willing to help her but I am not in a financial position to be able to take on the three children but I figure me and my sister can make it a lot easier than just her alone. And it's not that I'm being selfish, I just don't have the resources to give completely in the way that they would need. But I think I can contribute a pretty good amount.

I want my sister and the kids to have some stability and some peace in their lives but I cannot do it alone and neither can my sister. Is social services a viable option or should I just forget that route?
[Edited 11/7/06 12:21pm]

It's all so confusing Richard.

You should just anonymously call social services and ask them all your questions.

And like a Victoms Advocate program.

They'll help with every step she may need to take, and keep you guys informed on all the in's and out's of the system.

I do know that here, when it comes to any kind of assistance they count every individual living in the household. Whether you take financial responsibility of the kids or now.

Go here ans click on your state.
http://www.womenslaw.org/

Your sister is so lucky to have you. You have the best words and wisdom anyone could offer. I wish I could return you the favor, but I don't know about this kind of stuff.

I hope you get your answers, and get what you finally want for your sis and her kids.

I love you.

luv4all7 said:

Thank you sweetheart. Sometimes it's hard making the reality for yourself. It's easy to lead others, it's harder in your own life. I know I have the strength that she doesn't have and I do want to try and help her. She is drowning without a lifevest and I can't let that happen.....

I found this for the state of CA. He wold be ordered to stay away for you, as well as your sister. But you probably can't file for it unless he has actually threated you.






How can a DVRO help me?
A Domestic Violence Restraining Order may:

Order the abuser not to assault, threaten, abuse, follow, harass, or interfere with you, your children, or people you live with in person, at work, on the telephone, or by other means;
Order the abuser to stay away from any place you request including your school, your children's school, your work place, your friends' homes, or any place where you are seeking shelter;
Prohibit the abuser from possessing or purchasing a firearm;
Tell the police to remove the abuser from the home and help you to return to the home;
Grant you temporary full control over things that you own together such as a car, a truck, a boat, a computer, tolls, electronic equipment, bank accounts, or household appliances;
Order the abuser to continue to make the loan payments (be sure to specifically ask for this if you need it);
Order the abuser to return your personal belongings;
Order the abuser to pay certain bills, pay back money you lost for missing work or other expenses (such as ambulance, medical, dental, shelter, counseling and/or legal fees);
Order the abuser to pay your attorney fees;
Order the abuser to attend a batterer's treatment program or other counseling service;
Anything else you ask for any the judge agrees to.
If you and your abuser have children together, you may also ask the judge to grant additional things such as:

Child custody and visitation - If you and your abuser have children together, the judge can decide where the children will live, which parent will make decisions affecting the children, and how the children will spend time with each parent (where, when, and whether supervised).
Removal of child - You may ask the judge to keep either or both parents from traveling or moving outside the city, county, area, or state with the children.
Child support payments - You may ask the judge to order your abuser to pay child support according to California’s guidelines.
Whether a judge orders any or all of the above depends on the facts of your case.

luv4all7 said:

Well the cops were at my house just 3 weeks ago so they know his history. He had my brother in a choke hold but my brother didn't press charges because of my sister's sake. Well he ended up in jail anyway for breaking probation. There was to be no contact with the police. I wish he would rot in there, it would make life so much easier. But he'll be out eventually and I already told him if he touched me I would press charges. I didn't leave my abusive boyfriend to be abused by some fuckin loser I am not even with....

I'd also appreciate the input from anyone who has actually dealt with these issues

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I bet yous can get an order on him. I mean, the police were called out, and he is psycho. Seriously. I would look into it, and I would do whatever they tell you. Like, I got led by the VA people in every direction I needed to go.....

.....after YOU led me to THEM first, that is.

I hope you can help your sister. I just wish there was something I could do.

Has he ever even threatened you? Threats count.

I am sorry, baby. One of the reasons you're my hero is what you are willing to do for your sister.

Stymie said:

Your support means so much to me baby

http://www.ss.ca.gov/safe...me_how.htm

Try this site too hon. It's the one for the state of CA, which offers housing for these situations. You have my number. Call me. Maybe your sister will listen to another woman with children?????

luv4all7 said:

Thank you Dani I'm sure many would assume I would know all this stuff but being that I left my own situation on my own terms and the fact that kids were not involved, I never dealt with any of this stuff before.

I'm going to have a heart to heart with her tomorrow. I know she feels like nobody has her back and the whole household is just frustrated and she is so deep in her shit she can't see that. Being that he will likely be in jail at least for 3 months, we have some breathing room to think about what we are gonna do. I just hate to see my sister's spirit broken and actually.....there is another one on the way and I think she wants to keep it and if she does, I want that child to have a chance. My other nephews are 14, 12 and 10 and even though their behaviors are established, maybe I can help turn that around. I hate to think that they are lost causes

Hey Supa! Bless your heart for trying to help.

In my state, only the person directly threatened or abused can file for a restraining order and the statute requires at least 2 incidents of abuse within 12 months. If you and your sister lived together and either one of you qualify for a restraining order he would have to stay away from the house altogether. However, they could still award him supervised visitation and order child support.

As far as public assistance, anyone who qualifies for food stamps or a check has to give information on the absent parent so the state can prosecute them as a deadbeat.

California may be different so it's a good idea to check out their specific guidelines. In my state most of this information is online.

Hope that helps.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

If you have a chance for her its now. Now that he's gone. With him around it's almost impossible. But keep AT her, now that he's not there to grip her and twist her thoughts as much. She will begin to see clearer without a distorted view with him gone. THIS really is your chance. You will slowly see her coming back to her old self while he's away and OMG the kids too.

Awwwww.

I know you's can do this!

I want you to MAKE SURE she READS this book while he's away. You can prob get it at the library. If not it's on ebay.

"Why Does He Do That?" Bundy Bancroft.

I'm serious. MAKE HER read it!

luv4all7 said:

Back a few months after I wrote my domestic abuse thread, I brought a copy home to give to a friend and the next morning I grabbed it and then put it down with my other stuff and I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off that morning and when I scooped up my stuff it fell on the floor.

My middle brother found it and then showed my sister and then she showed my mom. I had wanted to prep them before giving it to them to read but my sister said absolutely not one word about it. I know so much of what I wrote, she has been through. I just think it was one of those things she couldn't invest her emtions into because he was still in the picture.

SpisaRibb said:

I was almost afraid to see your response

Thank you!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Orgnote.....

AnotherLoverToo said:

thank you so much!

You can totally call a local social service agency in an anonymous way. In my job we often call child/adult protection to "ask a hypothetical question" and they KNOW we know more. We do that usually as a first step to consider whether or not we do need to break confidentialty by filing a report. And if you are calling a non-profit, they are going to be even more willing to discuss a situation without requiring identifying info.




I'm assuming that here you are talking about accessing public benefits in some way. As you mentioned it varys WIDELY from state to state. In MN, they will attempt to locate the father and hold him responsible. However until there is verified child support coming in, the mother is given full benefits.



Again, this will vary from state to state. In MN, it is HUGELY complex. Your income would be counted as "household income" which would technically be figured into some of the benefit computation. My understanding is your income would not impact medical insurance benefits for your sister or her children. However it would somewhat impact the amount of cash and food support received. However that figuring is so complex and they'd take into account the reported amounts that your sister is "responsible" for in monthly expenses in the house. So while it would maybe lessen the amount of support she could get it SHOULDN'T eliminate her eligibility. If your state has decent benefits, of course.



so, yeah, that's what I know.

Good luck kitty, you are doing some good work!

Hi sweetie ~
I told you yesterday in an orgnote you were an angel and here is more reason. This is going to be a long and difficult road but such a noble cause and if you are successful ~ what an impact you will have on these young lives and your sister's as well. I would definitely contact the child advocates office in your State ~ most large cities have local offices. Often, there are provisions for a family member (you in this case) to receive funds ~ a stipend or other compensation when they provide housing, food and child care while a social services recipient works or attends school. This could work out well if you could work opposite schedules from your sister. The kids would have you or her there all the time and you may be able to be paid for it.
She is going to need some strong guidance ~ more than just you to give her resolve and strength. I would recommend she contact a counselor at your local domestic violence agency. They will often work with moms who are trying to break away from abusive situations and often will do it without requiring the woman go into a shelter.
Go to the web and look at your region (different than your county ~ I'll try to find out what region you are in ~ it is the identifying information for the feds). Then, with a little work, you can see what grants and programs your region has received funds for from the federal government ~ thus, what services are available. There are tons of intervention services that are free or low cost that provide everything from furniture to psychological testing ~~~~ more in a bit ~~~~~ someone at the door.

Almost always, anyone providing funds will require the name of the father. It really is not a big deal ~ provide it and if they can get any money from him ~ GOOD LUCK! I would try to get the restraining order even if you aren't successful but be aware that it could inflame him, or that it will be very difficult for your sister to keep away from him or to deny him seeing the children. It is a long, hard raod to independance and some slips are very probable ~ try not to see them as failures, just as part of the process. It will be so hard for her to gain the confidence, strength and self worth she'll need to walk away. You will be a pillar for her but you have to remember to nourish yourself too my love. I'll see what I can find out this weekend ~ check out the .gov sites and local social service sites in your community. You are the sweetest heart and your sister and her children are most fortunate to have you advocating for them! love you hon!!!!!

I can't help you.....but here's a big hug for you.

ps.....have you asked Bunky for advise?

I'm not a social worker, but I've been through the process.
There are agencies that will help walk you through enerything step by step. Try your local YWCA or a Women's opportunity center. Even your local domestic violence shelter can help with referals. There's all kinds of help out there, she just has to be willing to ask.Maybe the best thing is to call your local Crisis Services and ask them where the best place to start is.
I wish you and your sister all the best. Once she gets started, she's going to feel so much better about herself. It's an amazing feeling to know people care and even more amazing to learn to be self sufficient and be able to be proud of your accomplishments.She will be a strong person when she gets through all this.
God bless you all on this journey. Please feel free to contact me if you or she need anything.

Hey Baby. I'm so sorry that you and yours are going through this. I don't have any answers for you. I will ask some people.


M

Supa, you are such an angel. Everything I would have said has already been said, so I'll just add my 'ers and several 's.

Supa check the local Department of Human Services in your area. They may not have all the answers but they have loads of information to people who do.

Thank you all Your suggestions and advice are very helpful I didn't have a chance to get my sister alone over the weekend, she was too busy with the children and halloween parties, but next weekend she definitely has the time off so no matter what, I'll have my talkin with her