Forest Gump is one of those movies that has you breaking out into a cold sweat and reaching for several cushions to hide behind. The story revolves around Gump, a man so devoid of conscience he makes Hannibal Lecter look like your friendly local neighbourhood priest. Gump slithers through this movie, which chronicles the decades of his life, like a snake searching for its prey. We see Forest take up arms to fight mercilessly in wars he starts for no other reason than boredom. We also see Forest fall in love with Penny, which provides the only respite from a movie otherwise laden with horror at every twist and turn. Gump's addiction to chocolate sees him enter rehab but he soon escapes and returns with a vengeance to this dangerous mood altering habit. Gump is one of modern cinemas most notorious and twisted villains, watch it at your peril...you have been warned.


alright, its all in fun, you have a go!

...
[Edited 8/22/06 4:06am]

LleeLlee said:

CarrieMpls said:

The Matrix is a movie about an AmWay meeting gone horribly awry. Meet Neo, the youthful and eager former male dancer, now living life on the edge and caught up in a life of selling crap products. Enter Morpheus, Neo's idol and would-be cult leader, who skips through the movie uttering lines so poorly scripted you would think it's Forrest Gump. Hilarity ensues when Ernest from those Ernest movies shows up and the movie takes a redneck turn.Bring the kids. But leave them in the lobby.

Bambi a.k.a. Lesbian Warfare - The Revenge, Pt.4

Brief:
In the beginning there is darkness, then someone pays the reconnection charge.
"Game of cards?" asks Amanda. Two hands later, precision timed explosives rip through the Earth-Moon tunnel causing the balance of power to shift in favour of chlorophyll based life forms. It's like 2014 all over again. Luggage space is once again huge with a nice flat floor forcing anthropoids to unpack eastwards away from an oncoming gust of solar wind whose diminishing presence is last seen being tied into paper bags. Guilt-edged opportunities arouse the thudding of car alarms and Michael Portillo is seen straining at the leash.
Capital I's capitalize on an ever expanding market of firing squad prolongation terminology with varying degrees of success. Lesbians. A 66lb argument is discovered where wolves fear to tread and 30 are hurt in soap riots near the Iraq/Holland border. Christ's third cumming recieves its much overdue colomn inch convincing Amanda to take her three-way mirror to a coincidence black spot where floral vandals are drowning an alleged newsagent. "I like doing it", she says. Aqualungs take up all available space resulting in the vandals' ever encompassing pseudo elegance to be smeared from the chalkboard. Reddened wrists make a comeback. As do caged sandstorms.

Before there was "Million Dollar Baby," there was the excellent "Boxing Helena." Sherilyn Fenn once again illustrates why she is the Box Office Queen, starring as Helena - an unhappy runway model who desires to to be in the boxing ring. She asks one of her hairstylists, Fabricio (played by Julian Sands) to give her a makeover and be her boxing coach. Hilarity ensues as Helena and Fabricio turn Don King's world on it's ear! The Director's Cut, often difficult to find, features guest appearances by Sugar Ray Leonard, Mike Tyson, and Emanuelle Lewis. Look for it on video!!!
[Edited 8/22/06 6:58am]

i love you guys again.

Star Wars

Star Wars, also known as The Holy Trilogy, is an orgasmic trilogy of 35+ historically-acurate reinactments that CEO George Lucas wrote in an attempt to exploit his deep-seated urges. They have won a total of sixty-nine Academy Awards, the most for any documentary in film history. In fact, in 1983, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences made the unheard-of move of bestowing its coveted Best Picture award as a tie between two movies in this series that had come out in the same year. Star Wars reinactments are traditionally played backwards and the order in which the movies progress is best viewed when picked at random. Avid Star Wars fans even stand on their heads whilst watching a movie about the Star Wars to improve their viewing experience. Even after 35+ documentaries, nobody except its pale kid fans can figure out what it is about, though everyone loves Queen AbuDhabi when she tells Little Orphan Annie Guystalker to "...show me your lightsaber, Annie! Bring it!" Evryone loves that quote.

Star Wars is also the name of a television game show.

Star Wars was invented by fundamentalist Christians as a method of birth control in Ireland because they understood that Star Wars fans would never get laid. Unfortunately, Star Wars leaked outside of its intended market and ended up being used as a birth control device worldwide. The specific long-term effects of Star Wars are unknown, but most scientists agree that it will cause total annihilation of the human race and several breeds of llama by the year 2017.

The Christians approached producer/director George Luckass in 1977, along with Ellis Boxington created the Star Wars nightmare to ask them to change the way we look at soap operas. Known only as, Star Wars: Episode IIIIIX: A Daring Rescue from Outer Space the film went on to win a nomination for most exeptional exploitation of American mediocrity award. Due to its success, especially among the psychokinetic feng-shui demographic, Luckass decided to write eleventeen more parts to his trilogy.

Episodes IX and IXI followed, and later VIAV to T. When asked why he had decided to release his story out of order, he was reputed to have mumbled, "I must hurry. Plaid shirt sale at Mervyn's." It should also be known that, aside from being a master storyteller, Luckass is also an experienced clone and lightsabre enthusiast - interests which have spilled over into the movies. Evidence of this can be found in "Star Wars: Episode III: The Beginning of the Latter era of the Emperor's Revenge on the Galaxy," during a cataclysmic battle between Jedi overlord James Laserfellow and Plysmth Lord Darth Dinosaurus.

The films themselves turned out to be powerful weapons. In the late Eighties, the Dark Lord of the Shit, Ronald Reagan, launched the Star Wars films into outer space and announced that they were aimed directly at the Soviet Union. Mikhail Gorbachev responded by deploying newly developed mid-range Doctor Who videocassettes in Cuba. The thirteen days of tension reached a resolution only when Captain Kirk Vulcan death-gripped both superpowers, thus ending the Cold War.

Though most of the scenes of the movies are spliced together from nature documentaries, Luckass didn't have enough to get the full film 101 credit, so he decided to fill up the remaining 20 minutes of the films with mindless violence and alien pornography. He employed 1000 monkeys working on 1000 unix workstations to come up with seizure inducing filler.

The Lord of the Rings movies

The Lord of the Rings lolz is a three-part epileptic buddy comedy directed by J.R.R. Tolkien based on the novels by Peter Jackson. It stars the fantastically talented, three-time Oscar-winner, John Malkovich. In his interpretation of the novels, JRR Tolkien set forth his radical political theory of diabolical maternalism, which basically states that monarchy is the best damn political system on the planet, although it takes forever to get to the point. I think I have missed breakfast.

Often critics pan this work as being a "not very good" rip-off of Epic Legends of the Hierarchs: The Elemenstor Saga, but despite this the work does seem to have some fan following.

One of the chief criticisms is, ironically, that the novel also takes forever to get to the point. Literally. Like, not only is it a boring story about a couple hobo midgets who commit petty larceny and have to enlist a bum (who later reveals himself to be, in fact, on welfare) to help them destroy some piece of jewelry (possibly an earring), but there are, like, a billion interruptions. Like they'll be in the middle of some potentially interesting battle and one of the characters will spontaneously recite a hymn in some language other than English, and this hymn will go on for 136+ pages. None of it will make any sense at all. Also, some have objected to the complete lack of villain and no one can figure out how many books there are supposed to be in the series. Historians have suggested that the number is probably around three or four, although some estimates put the number as high as 17. Much like the extra dimensions of string theory, these extra books are really, really, really small, and cannot be detected by scientific instruments. This has led to the conclusion that these hidden books are where the true plot takes place.

None of this stopped J.R.R. Tolkien (1534-present) from directing a big-budget film adaptation of the book, which was a mutilated confused mess that had the incredible effect of angering both long-time fans of the series and people who had never even heard of the book (like your mom). He also claimed that the newish, oldish film will be 'werd' and full of literally heart wrenching emotional scenes.This will also appeal to males since it features a large tower falling down.They may proclaim this as 'wicked','radical or on a lower note 'rad', not to mention 'cool'. The movie stars Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Viggo Mortensen and Chris Tucker as best friends and apartment-mates who live through much hijinks to get the girl.

The Lord of the Rings is also a title of Sauron. He is also called "Lord of the Dance".

The Lord of the Rings should not be confused with the Porkies series. It should rather be confused with Willow.

The film came under fire by the Church of Scientology in a furious campaign lead by fucking lunatic and child molestee Tom Cruise. Cruise scolded the producers (consisting of PETA, Greenpeace, and the Republican National Committee) for an explicit 3 way sex scene between Paris Hilton, Sherman Hemsley, and child diddler Bob Saget that depicts Hilton giving Hemsley an Alabama Crackhammer as well as a Texas Chili Bowl, and a guatemalin burrito salid while Saget sits back and rolls a child around in battery acid while farting on him.

The church demanded the scene be removed, as it critisised Pauly Shore's sex life. To which Dick Cheney responded: "Suck it, Mom!"

In retaliation for Cheney's thoughtful commpliments, the church of Scientology declared war on America and launched the invasion of Burbank, California. The war ended very shortly 18 years later with the help of Fisherprice's Robot-Monkeys recently exported from Eurasia. 871,935 people were injured from combat, and 13 died from constipation.

As a result of this useless effort, Cheney removed the sex scene from the film and replaced it with the R. Kelly lovemaking seminar for the urinary challenged.

Illusionist simply bizarre

The Illusionist could be the most bizarre Hollywood film ever made.

What starts out as a fantastical period piece, quickly devolves into a hardcore sex film that would make Ron Jeremy blush. You thought Vincent Gallo had balls (no pun intended) whipping it out in The Brown Bunny? Well, what Edward Norton does on celluloid here makes Vinnie G. look like prudish in comparison.

After some brief exposition which establishes Norton as a magician ("Eisenheim") in circa 1900s Vienna whose magic is actually real, all semblance of plot goes out the window, as the actor proceeds to bed all and sundry in non-simulated sex scenes that have earned this notorious film the first triple-X rating in the history of "mainstream" cinema.

You have to wonder what was going through Norton's mind when he signed on to star in a flick that has him participating in a hardcore threeway with Jessica Biel and Paul Giamatti. If Edward Norton wanted to commit career suicide, he has accomplished his goal. The Illusionist will go down in the annals of film history as the strangest vanity project ever conceived.

Unless you want to see an Academy Award nominated actor wielding his huge member in scene after scene, stay far, far away.

Purple Rain

Before Prince Rogers Nelson predicts the weather, he lives every moment of it.

Nelson isn't your run-of-the-mill meteorologist. In fact, he's looking to bring a Revolution to how the weather gets forecast. With his purple metallic raincoat, he represents a new breed of weather forecasters. But, he's just like his father, too bold for the Willard Scott school of TV forecasting. Like his mother, he's too demanding for his TV station's wardrobe assistant. Through it all, no one seems to understand his meteorological genius for what it is. Spurred on by tension between his station's other on-air personalities and his astronomy-minded love interest, Apollonia, and looking for respect in a town that insists on calling him "Kid," Nelson fights to take his racy brand of meteorology to dizzying heights.

Purple Rain: It's time we all reached out for something new.

That means you, too.
[Edited 8/22/06 9:59am]

ThreadBare said:

Ace said:

They are all brilliant! keep them coming!

ThreadBare said:

When I was a kid, so many of my friends thought that Purple Rain was about environmentalism...

Maria is a beautiful sensual lady who's torn between the calling of God, and her physical needs. The interactions between her and Captain Von Trapp lead to dramatic interactions.
Subplots include an underage torrid love affair, and spies abound as the Nazis
chase the Van Trapp family.
See marionettes having sex, and enjoy as Maria experiences an acid trip thinking the hills are alive.

A film that scandalized the soap industry to its very foundations.

Fight Club is a movie that pulls no punches in unearthing the corruption behind soap trafficking. Edward Norton is the whistleblower who through a series of meticulous investigations exposes the underground fighting clubs that exist in an industry riddled with unlawful practices. Soap is the one commodity everyone wants to own, and they're going to fight to the death to get it. Brad Pitt is the soap lord whose reputation as a hardened criminal is only redeemed by his love for Marla Singer, the daughter of a rival soap ring. Only when this tender love story ends in tragedy do we see Pitt's frail and vulnerable side. The fights themselves which are held in darkened damp basements are graphic and lengthy soapy battles that make the viewer squirm with repulsion. The suds fly like nothing you ever witnessed before and probably never will again. Chants of "his name is soap, soap, soap," accompany every fight and echo throughout the movie as a reminder of the war on soap being fought in basements throughout the world.

A steller cast also includes Meatloaf who plays a man tormented by his obsession with soap support groups.

"I am jack's soap"

watch it, it will leave you wishing you hadn't taken that soapy shower this morning.

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[Edited 8/22/06 10:53am]

A movie few of us will ever forget.

Judy Garland plays Dorothy in a film based on true life events that occured in 1929 in a sleepy little town in suburban America. Kansas was a town much like any other town until one day a tornado swept up all of its inhabitants over the rainbow never to be seen again. Only one person survived this tragedy and that was the Character played by Judy Garland, Dorothy. Some say her account of the events are unreliable and the conspiracy theorists even hint at the involvement of illegal substances. Whilst others claim she is divine and have dubed her "St Dorothy." Whichever side of the fence you fall on you cannot help but be moved by this movie. Dorothy's graphic description of "Munchkins," left many at the time rigid with fear. She spoke of an Emerald City and cowardly lions, things which were not only unheard of in 1920s America but downright bizaare. Her description of a man (who she referred to as the wizard of oz) for instance, left whole communities nailing down their properties and starting Oz resistance movements. A field of poppies in which her and her associates entered into a sleep like stupor is one of the more sinister encounters Dorothy tells of. There are too many happenings to list in this brief review but the notorious "ruby slippers" are a telling reminder of how little we know of rainbows and their frightening power.

This movie is a sensitive and factual account of the events of that day.

If you only watch one movie about munchkins this year, make it this one.

Snakes on a Plain

Is an endearing Docu-Drama that follows the trials and tribulation of a family of snakes making thier way across the plains of the United States in the 1800's in search for a new home. When their home ends up being destroyed by American Settlers who have now hit the gold rush and have decided to travel West in search of fortune and land, this snake family must find a place of acceptance and saftey. Following this family of snakes, we witness how they are able to find food in strange lands and encounter the many dangers that lie for them in unchartered territory.

Winn Dixie has stumbled onto a lair of torture and humiliation. She was abducted and brought to this pit of pain as the next intended victim. But Winn Dixie overthrows her captor and kills her. Does she release the other prisoners? Does she fetch the police? No. Her mind snaps and she assumes control over the prisoners, taking them as her own playtoys. Naked bodies writhe in ecstasy as blood runs down the walls in this chilling tale of madness and revenge. Because of Winn Dixie is a swirl of insanity, a carnival of carnage, a festival of filth, and an onslaught of sleaze!

Sweeny79 said:

The poor children. They better behave, this year... Otherwise, we'll be able to say we saw it coming.

ThreadBare said: