TMPletz said:

I agree! You and Mon will do great, Nick (AND you will have time to Org with us...babies his age still sleep quite a bit )

If you need to talk, I'm around, ok?

ZombieKitten said:

it doesn't have to be one or the other nick...
face it... this place is like crack anyway

and nammie you made some very good points
it is a good news story, better to be able to do what is right for the child
than have no power to do anything about the way he was being raised by others

that child is sweet. This could really be an amazing experience for both of you. Caring for the next generation is really a job I think you'll be great at. Now we can discuss you getting a babysitter for real

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

emm said:

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I love you, but I'm slightly scared of you, mainly due to having seen your tongue and also reading all about your dream.

nammie said:

Firstly, I know where you're coming from and I appreciate you posting. I must say that I don't think I've 'moaned and bitched about the past', but never mind. Yes I love him, as does my wife. We've been so close to him ever since his birth. However, it's not as simple as you're suggesting. I love him, but I have no aspirations to be his father. This isn't because I don't want children. In our particular circumstances it would be an absolute blessing. Rather, it's not my place to just assume this position and relationship with him. I'll give all the love I can, but in the end he's not my child. I have never considered him a financial burden or the task of looking after him too much to carry out, though of course it does have an impact on our lives. That is not my primary concern here though. I am happy to take care of him financially, emotionally, in every way, but what I want most is for him to have a better situation with his parents. I can tell you about all the 'amazing things that gorgeous boy can and will be doing', and have done so here in previous threads, but he's not my child and it's not something that will ever come to be, nor would I want it. In Thailand it's very much a family culture. Golf is not a charity case and would never be without love. The issue is sorting out his parents' situation with each other as a couple and also financially so that they can be a family and take care of their baby. I can only think of the current situation as a stop-gap one in that my desire is not to be the child's father but to do my best to help his parents to get where they need to be. Along with taking care of Golf, that's where I'm focusing my efforts. He is a blessing, to all of us, but as a family we need to pull together and make things right. I believe that's the best course of action and that's what I'm putting my time into now. It's time I really got to know my brother in-law and had a heart to heart with him. I'm thinking about taking a trip to go to see him, but we'll see.

Anyways, thank you again for posting. Every perspective is a good one.

emm said:

True, on both counts. I just need to get my priorities straight and make sure I'm making the best use of my time at the moment. I've felt a little drained lately, and that's not moaning about physically taking care of a child but just the ups and downs around here of late. I think the org is a decent break from that. I should say that I don't mean this thread to be self-indulgent or constantly moaning about my situation. I'm not taking care of Golf alone. Mon is wonderful with him, and his grandma has already raised 4 children and even being less able bodied has more love to give than any person I've ever met. She's an incredible woman and is the leader of this family in many ways, but in others I am all too aware that I'm very much responsible for how this family goes.

I'm sure I'll end up posting on here just the same as before soon enough though, like today. His grandma has taken him to her friend's house for the afternoon so I'm having a few beers and relaxing.

Fauxie said:

Why does't the mother take her son, she is responsable for him isn't she??
I don't get it, this would be illegal in Holland. You can't just leave your child with someone else
And dad should pay childcare and visit at least once or twice a month.

What kind of world do you live in

ps I think you are great to do this though

I just want to say I don't mean this thread to be self-indulgent or attention seeking. I know there are orgers who have several children, take care of them, go to work, and deal with many day to day trials. I have only one person here as a native English speaker as a best friend and so I really appreciate all the opinions, perspectives and positive comments. I don't want to come across as constantly moaning about just taking care of one child, but I'm currently rather emotionally drained from all that's happened and is happening here. I'm also trying to sort out Mon's visa to come with me to the UK for Xmas, which will be her first visit to the UK ( should be brilliant ). I'm really grateful for both an outlet and the support of people here. Thank you.

Fauxie said:

I'm afraid you will get attached to the boy in such a way it will be heartbreaking when they come and pick him up again after a while.
They'll start using your family in law as a place to dump the child when things get rough, this will be bad for the kid and hard for you and your family.

Fauxie said:

As the mother of a 3-year-old, I don't see you as moaning at all...

When you have your own, there's lots of time to prepare for all this. A two-year-old suddenly dumped in your lap w/ a lot of emotional strain surrounding the situation is quite different.

My only advice to you is to give him space to express himself... Depending on how long you keep him, he might end up rather angry about what has happened to him, and with some anxiety about being abandoned... but somehow, I feel sure this is what you will do, as you are obviously a man of intelligence & sensitivity.

Keep up the good work, and God bless you.

Fauxie said:

Those nearly brought me to tears, he is so cute. Isn't there a law that makes it possible to put the parents out of jurisdiction over him, so at least you know they won't take him away again after you feel like his father and he'll be more attached to you and your wife as to his own parents??

Whateva said:

He looks just a little bit naughty, doesn't he?

Whateva said:

Yeah, I know. They're not actually legally married, as is common in Thailand. He has quit his job here and got a job down south trying to make more money (my wife suspects he's still in Bangkok at the same job but seeing another girl), while she has moved back to her parents' house to work there, but she doesn't make enough to pay for more than her own living costs. It doesn't really make sense. It really comes down to my in-laws. My father in-law doesn't like the child's mother and so is happy enough if she stays elsewhere, though of course they both want their son to stay in Bangkok, but more importantly their grandson, which is why, I guess, they accept this current situation. They would rather the boy stay in Bangkok than go to stay with his mother with her parents where he won't be looked after properly. Trouble is, they have their own 30 something son to look after, who is paralysed, and meanwhile his wife is staying several hours away with their son and hardly ever visits! It's pretty messed up. He's supposed to get compensation money soon for his accident that would pay back all the time and money his parents have spent taking care of him, and meanwhile they have this other stuff to deal with! Talk about meet the parents. I love them all though.

Whateva said:

To be honest, we never get to see that much of our other nephew, so we just enjoy the time we get with nong Golf and try not to get too attached to him, which is hard. If they get their act together I will be so happy. They won't, as a couple, take him away to somewhere else (if they did as a couple to all live together, that'd be perfect), but hopefully they may consider staying here together again with him, and I would be very happy about them being here as they would be together as a family and they'd all be with us. Ultimately, I just want to try to get them all together wherever.

Fauxie said:

I know this is an evil thing to say, but first thing that comes to my mind is: take the boy with you and stay in the UK

Sorry, just thinking about the best thing for the kid. But of course I'm thinking with my dutch mind, in the country where you are it is probably a common thing to make other family members take care of your kid.

As long as someone loves him no matter what he'll be alright.

It's going to be hard, it is if it is your own kid, it might even be worse if it is not your own (by choice I mean).

Good luck Remember to use the org for parental guidance (lot's of experienced peeps here)

Whateva said:

Yes, he's a sweeheart.

That's not what we want. I think we need to do our best to care for him while things are up in the air, but ultimately to help the situation with him and his parents.

Heiress said:

Naughty is good, it means he has spirit

Heiress said:

He's starting to get a little naughty, but 99% of the time he has a lovely nature about him. He just gets a little picky about eating his food here (meals with rice as opposed to soup or snacks) from time to time, and doesn't mix well with other children (owing to his mother not feeding him when they're with her at her parents' house and so he tries to get their food). I have nothing really to compare him with, but he seems like a good-natured kid and all you could ever hope for.

Whateva said:

Exactly. Those are the smart ones. At 2 he can already take his dish down the stairs and put it in the sink. He also shuts doors, puts things in the rubbish bin, and does the traditional 'wai' when he does something wrong, and says sorry.

Fauxie said:

That's a noble goal, I hope it will work.
They need to be responsible for their own kid. Loving him and taking good care of him is more important than for him to eat 3 meals a day I think. They should learn that them being there for him is more important than making more money. (although they do need to be able to feed him of course).

Good luck with it, I hope it will all work out fine, keep us posted

Whateva said:

Yep, I know there is a whole lot of experience here, which is why I started the thread. I'm just a young pup so I don't know anything practical beyond just loving him, which is impossible not to.

Yes, it is important to understand Thai culture and the family situation. It's not unusual for grandparents to care for a child while both parents go to work. It's quite normal for children to live with their parents into their late 20s and even 30s. Golf's mother loves him and he does have a real bond with her. She would never give up her child permanently. It really comes down to Uan, his father, and how he feels about his girlfriend. It's not entirely his fault that he doesn't have the best relationship with his son. He has worked hard for the last 2 years, doing long hours as a security guard, so he didn't get to see his son that much. He might have reacted better when he had the chance, but I think it really hurt him how his son wasn't close to him. Golf's mother, meanwhile, was staying here and taking care of Golf, but being really lazy, not helping around the house, and generally being a woman a guy would find hard to love, if I'm brutally honest. I sympathise with Uan, but he needs to take responsibility. I want him to know that I will support him if he can just take a firm hold and do what needs to be done. His mind seems to be elsewhere at the moment though.

Fauxie said:

He has his own ideas about things. Naughty is good, as Whateva said. Smart kids always test their limits. That is such a positive thing, because it shows that you are in a position of trust when they feel free to rebel a bit.

Whateva said:

Thank you. I wish I could get things back to the way they were. I wish they'd stay here together and I would gladly help them out as much as I can. I helped them before, but I didn't see this coming. Mon and I would gladly make up that shortfall as far as some food, milk, looking after him, or whatever, if they could just stay in this house together. No rent, no power, no nothing. I want to do just that, but I fear there are problems with their relationship that we can't do anything about.

How noble of you, your wife and your household to take on such a great responsibility. You're good people. Young Golf is a lucky chap to have such folks to nurture him in life.

Bless you guys

man, what a headfuck. from what you've written you sound like a very level-headed guy. Very mature. My first instinct is to stress that this really shouldn't be your responsibility, in any sense. However, I really think you are being sensible by playing things a bit by ear, while trying to ensure Golf's parents both accept that they are fully responsible for the child.H aving said that, your attitude & sensitivity on this thread shows that Golf couldn't have a better surrogate father than you if it ever came down to it.

Heiress said:

It drives you crazy as a parent though

Heiress said:

I wholly agree. Golf is a smart kid. I knew it as soon as he started bopping away to 'I Wanna Be Your Lover', but shunned most of MTV.

I would love to help him have a good education too, but I don't wish to be his father. That's the point here, I guess. I want his mother and father to step up and I will help them as much as I can.

Whateva said:

It's one of those ways that our children help us to become better human beings - through them, we develop more patience... that is to say, if we don't go completely in the process, as you said.