Don't mean to be a downer on a Friday afternoon, but I really thought I should post this. I stumbled upon this Blog a while back written by a 24 year old California man named John Reeves Hall. It details his experience battling metastatic melanoma. From his first doctor visit on 10/15/04, through all of his treatments, his experience in dealing with the disease and side effects of the chemo, etc.. until his last post on 8/11/05. He passed away on 9/17/05.

The last post was still pretty hopeful – posted right before his next batch of scans - so I can only assume he abandoned the Blog after getting bad news.

This is one of the most moving things that I’ve read in a while. Scary and depressing, yes. But I think it’s worth reading, if only to gain some appreciation for life, and a little bit of perspective. I’m going to try and remember this guy when I’m feeling sorry for myself or feeling depressed over little stupid things. Don’t sweat the small stuff, isn’t that the saying?

Some particularly poignant posts, and a link to the Blog itself, are below.

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[1-7-05]
We're all mortal. And yet a lot of us live like we're immortal. Days come and go, and we assume they'll keep on coming. There is no sense of urgency. We treat time like water; so cheap that we can pour it on the ground. Most of us have a vague sense that we'll eventually die, but it's not something we tend to think about often. We assume that we're entitled to our 75 years, which invariably seems like it's a long way off, so we forget about it and go back to our day to day routine.

Just as your life began suddenly, without your knowledge or consent, it will end. Hopefully not for a while, but don't count on it. You could die tomorrow. Yes, you. I hope you won't.

My battle against cancer is going reasonably well, all things considered. There's a good chance I'll "win", which will buy me some more time. Hopefully a good 50 more years of it. But when this is all over, you'll never, ever catch me living as though I'm going to last forever.

Alright, enough preaching for now. I just wanted to point that out.

[7/3/05]
I've had a lot of strange dreams lately. They center around the theme of losing control. None have been nightmares, per se. One involved not being able to stop a spider from killing fish in my aquarium (I used to keep one), and one involved driving slowly through a road in a train station and not being able to find the brake pedal with my foot.

Narcotics are known to induce dreams, and usually not good ones. I suspect they have something to do with my recent dreams.

I need to find some fireworks for tomorrow!

[8/11/05] -- last update --

Long overdue for an update.

I had the final Medarex clinical trial treatment last Wednesday. It went about as expected (this was the fourth one, so it's kind of a routine). My blood hemoglobin had dropped so low that I received a two unit blood transfusion on Friday. I think this gave me a little more energy (at least it got rid of any anemia I may have had), but I'm still feeling very tired. Generally good, just tired.

I go in for scans next week, but I don't think the results will be interesting. There may be some new tumors and some of them may be swollen. We can tell that much just from the outside. We are still highly encouraged by the swelling and puffiness surrounding many of my subcutaneous tumors.

Where to from here? Who knows. Perhaps we'll wait a while and see how the swelling progresses. Ideally, of course, the cancer would eat itself alive and never come back. Nothing wrong with wishful thinking.

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John Reeves Hall died September 17th, 2005 at 9:40 PM.

John’s Blog: http://overcode.yak.net/3
John’s guestbook: http://overcode.yak.net/

every day is a gift....

every moment is a great gift... what you choose to think and do in each of those moments ...

makes your life journey .... yours

NorthernLad said:

thanks for sharing that with us.
sure does make you keep things in perspective doesn't it.

life is a gift and and a journey be thankful for the gift and enjoy the ride.