I have a friend whom I love unconditionally. We've had our peaks and troughs: arguments; silences and fights; but we always make up again eventually.

Just recently, I've been seeing quite a lot of him again. He picked me up from work on Thursday and loaned me some cash because I was skint. I'd been in bars with him on the prior Friday, Saturday and Monday. We drove to Liverpool together on Friday afternoon this week, because he had to go to the Passport Office to renew his passport for a business trip. Later that evening, we decided to go for a drink and two other friends joined us.

I should point out that the friend in question and the other two friends all identify as being straight.

Well we all got very, very drunk. It doesn't take much for me to get tipsy these days. We were walking back to one of the other friend's flats, across a park and we were sort of rassling in a half-arsed fashion. We were both giggling whilst trying to throw each other on the floor. It was sort of... playful.

Now, the friend in question knows how I feel about him. I told him years ago. However, he appears to think that I'd gotten over him. Well, I have and I haven't. I don't lie in bed crying at night because he's married with a child. I don't write poems about him or doodle his name on my notepad at work. But whenever I see him; whenever he walks into a room, it's like somebody's turned a light on.

One of the other friends kept referring to us as each other's "boyfriends" on Friday night because we were sort of acting faggy I suppose. He kept saying "boyfriends" in a disapproving tone... I think that he resents what he sees as my influence on his friend.

The truth is that I never encourage the friend in question to act in this way - but I don't necessarily dissuade him either. We went out the other week and I wasn't drunk at all by the end of that night. As we reached the crossroads of the street where we parted, he put his arms around me to hug me and his mouth was against my neck. On that occasion, I did tell him to get off me, because it was upsetting me. However, last Friday when we were walking with our arms around each other, I didn't. I was too drunk to care.

We had a bit of a heavy chat on Friday night when we got back to the other friend's flat. We were sat alone in a conservatory. We'd sobered up a little after a cup of tea. He told me that he realised that I still love him but I'd have to get over him because it was upsetting us both. He kept saying, "It's never going to happen, Jus. I'm married. I have a son"...

I just phoned him a few minutes ago to enquire if he got home safely on Friday night (we left separately) and he was making light of the whole night and repeatedly stated that he remembered virtually nothing because he was "so wrecked". He did add that he'd since spoken with the other friend whose flat we'd gone back to. This other friend had apparently told him that we'd been fighting on the park - but we weren't! It was more like foreplay than a fight. I don't know if this other friend perceived our tumbling around as a real fight or just didn't want to acknowledge what was happening.

I'm just fed up about it all.

Justin, how about finding somebody who is going to make you happy, and who will reciprocate your feelings.

i know the feeling. i have a terrible habit about falling for straight men, and zach, one of my best friedns falls into that. i have been in love with him since we were in high school.

LleeLlee said:

I've tried in the past. I haven't been on a date for over a year. I never seem to have anything in common with most gay men I meet.

cborgman said:

Like I said, he identifies as being straight but I think he's actually bisexual at the very least.

I don't want to lose him as a friend but my last boyfriend dumped me because he didn't appreciate the relationship which me and the friend in question have. It's a Catch 22 situation... To fully get over him, I need to find somebody else, but maybe my next boyfriend won't appreciate the (supposedly platonic) relationship either.

I had a gay friend I absolutley adored.
Same type of scenerio but I wasn't married.

What made things strange is that he ran off and got married and now has a kid. Classic brokeback motherfucker.

Anyways, that kind of a relationship is not healthy, me thinks. It's like a relationship in between opossite sexes. Let's say a straight man and a gay woman. If they're close enough you can assume there is a chance the man will develope feelings that complicate things but the woman is not going to have them.

as for thinking that your friend is bi, do you think it might be projection?
I've had many straight friend develope crushes on me, some of them actually
admitting it, but it wasn't something life changing or overtly sexual.
It seems between 20 and 25, all men--gay or straight--have no clue what
they're into. And the ones that do, are mainly working off of social
programming.

Imago said:

His mask slips whenever he's had too much to drink - not just with me.

I got punched in a club once by a complete stranger because of him. I'd been to the bar and left him doing this weird Pink Panther-type dance on the dancefloor. I came back and some bloke had pinned him against the wall. I questioned what was going on and the attacker said that my friend had put his arms around his waist, trying to dance with him... I told him to leave him alone or I'd kill him. I got punched in the face and went flying across some tables. My friend ran off, all the way home.

There's been other occasions where he's made advances towards other men, but that's the more memorable.

bottom line is he is not available.

if your wildest dreams came true and you started to make out after a night out together... where do you think that would take you?
he would feel terrible about betraying his marriage and you would be no further ahead - feeling badly and potentially loosing a friend

look forward and not back
keep your heart and eyes open for one that is free to be loved
and free to love you back

Justin1972UK said:

emm said:

I totally agree. Justin, all parties involved -- you, him AND his wife and kid -- deserve fidelity and a lack of emotional chaos. It's tough, but if you love him, let him (even help him) be a good man along the commitments he's made.
[Edited 4/23/06 11:27am]

I love you, Justin.

emm said:

I don't have any delusions. I'm quite happy to remain just his friend. It's just that when he acts like he has done recently, it confuses me. I do nothing to prompt this behaviour, although I'll admit that if I'm similarly innebriated, I accelerate it. I'm worried for his happiness, more than my own.

Romera said:

I love you too, Muffin!

do you feel that maybe you need time away from him? do you think that would ease things?

brownsugar said:

It'd help me but I think it would hurt him. He goes through phases like this. I can go weeks without hearing from him and then I'll have a month of hearing from him once or twice a day. I couldn't just inexplicably ignore him now.

The other friend whom snidely remarked at us being "boyfriends" the other night is his wife's cousin. I've been very stressed about the whole episode - not just for me but for him.

It sucks when you cant have who you want. Especially when it drags out for such a long time too. I wouldnt trust myself to give you any decent advice Justin, but I hope you can at the very least come through the "fed up" bit

Justin1972UK said:

yeah you really need to take some time away from him for a while. never mind his pain you need to think about yourself right now. and if her relatives are starting to make snide comments then that means she must've been talking about it and i bothers her. He needs to tend to his family first and you need time to see the big picture. the only way to do that is to take time away and come back to the situation later to see how things go. no need to ignore him but just tell him whats what honestly. and he needs to respect that.