I've really got to write this stuff out, but don't want to post on cancer websites. It's too depressing. I just found out yesterday that I have to start cancer treatment again for the third time in 2 1/2 years! I just can't believe it. I feel like I'm in a nightmare.

I was diagnosed in 9/03 with stage II breast cancer. I underwent a mastectomy, 5 months of chemo and seven weeks of radiation. Then they found two "hot spots," which were suspicious for cancer on my spine. I was devastated and horrified. That was 6/04. I had to start chemo again for another five months. During that time I started taking a monthly drug called, Herceptin. I will have to take that indefinitely.

Anyway, last Friday I went and had my biyearly bone scan and CT scan. I was a little worried because in December I hurt my back while bending and twisting in this strange way. I started having muscle spasms and then foot numbness in my left foot. The pain went away, but the numbness remained. I kept telling my doctors, but they weren't worried since my blood work is always perfect.

So this past Monday, I went in for the final phase of my breast reconstruction surgery. I thought everything was finally over. I would just heal up from this, and continue taking the Herceptin, which doesn't cause any side effects. Then my doctor called yesterday and said that there was a suspicious lesion type of thing that showed up on my CT scan, but not my bone scan. He said that it is good because everything else was clean, but they are thinking that this is malignant because it is right next to the other "hot spot" that I had previously (T11 vertabrae). He said that it was caught really early because it is not on the bone, but next to it, and it hasn't caused any damage to the bone yet. He feels that if I have radiation and more chemo, it should take care of it.

I just feel like sobbing as I write this. I'm only 33 years old. My kids are 9, 10 and 13. They already had to go through my initial diagnosis when I was so sick and lost all of my hair. Now I don't know what to tell them. So far, I'm not saying anything. If I'm not going to lose my hair, I'm not even going to tell them that the doctors think that the cancer came back. I don't want them to worry needlessly.

My husband is hardly even talking to me. He just acts stunned. He's been laid off of work, so he is going with me to the doctor tomorrow, but he doesn't really say much about it.

I just absolutely do not want to go through this crap again. I'm so mad about it, and I'm trying to not feel sorry for myself. I hate to say this, but "why me?"


March 10 update: I went to the radiation oncologist this morning. He was really helpful. I like him better than my regular oncologist. He let me see my reports and actually pulled up the scans on the computer so I could see what they are looking at. They are looking at my T11 vertabrae, which looks like it has a bubble growing off of it. This is different than normal metastatic disease because it is not actually in my bone, but next to it. And it is soft tissue, definitely not bone. It is pressing against some nerves in my spinal cord, causing various points on my feet to feel like pins and needles. He said that he is sure that the radiation will shrink it, giving me relief in my feet. I don't have any pain from it because it is so small and not in the bone. I have to see my regular oncologist on March 27, so I won't know if I have to be on chemo again for sure until then. I don't mind if I do, but I really don't want to lose my hair again. That made me feel like such an ugly freak.

I want to thank every person on here who has sent me well wishes and prayers. Sometimes strangers can be so kind. Thank you all so very much. It really makes me feel good to read all of your kind words. It's either the fact that I've been through this before, or prayer works, because I really do feel brave about this, and not so bad. I'm sure that I can get through it.

One thing I plan on telling my husband later is this: I am sorry for all of this. I know that I can't control it, but I see that it is hurting him and I never want to be the cause of any pain for him. I just hate that my stupid health problems can cause my loved ones pain too.
[Edited 3/10/06 10:20am]

I'm sorry for you. Be strong.

i wish there were words i could say that would make this easier for you.

know that you are in my prayers.

wow. Dusty, I think you have every right to ask "why me". It is no joke having to face your mortality like this. I hope and pray the best for you and your children and hope you have the network of people around you (even if it is through Prince.org) to help you to your healing.



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[Edited 3/9/06 14:52pm]

I wish you good luck!! Just lost my travel buddy rival just last year to cancer.

can this be stickied as well?

cborgman said:

try to stay positive hun ....

I am so sorry to hear that you have to endure this once again.
Please know there are some very good listeners hear- ME INCLUDED- that are here for you.
I wish you lots of luck and pray that everything will go well for you.

You are in our prayers!!

my mother had a full mastectomy when i was 10.
she spent most of that year having radiation or chemotherapy
it's a nasty bitch but it does what it has to do
fight the cancer cells
kill the bastards
it takes you to the extremes in the process
and i know this is more than you should have to endure
but you know you can fight it because you have perservered so much already!

reach out to your husband and let him know you need him
process both of your feelings of fear and anger together
and your kids will know something is up
i remember being more afraid because no one would tell me anything
allowing them to process the information has to be better in the end for you all.

i am almost 33 - i am curious if you feel you can share - how you found your lump?

dustysgirl

I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

so sorry to hear...

i am sending so much love and strength your way.

stay strong...

Natisse said:

the mods are good that way.

i love this site. it makes me feel so good to see relative strangers caring in this cold world.

and i am totally ready for another prayer/good thoughts vigil. the drew thing realyl got me going on this.

My love to you and my for your recovery...stay strong

I don't even know you and this breaks my heart.

I pray that you make a full recovery.


I think you have so much courage and strength.

Romera said:

I agree. For your babies you have to be strong. If someone out there in orgland has been through anything like this, please contact dusty cuz she could use every ally and every ounce of strength in all this

emm said:

to you too!

emm said:

It was a month before my 31st birthday, and I was laying in bed, and had my right hand across my chest, resting on my left breast. I noticed that there was an area that felt like it was thickening. I was very small (an A cup). I stupidly thought that perhaps my breasts were growing a little bit because my mother had been really small until she had my brother when she was in her 30's and after that pregnancy she stayed a DD. I thought something, not cancerous, was going on with my breasts. I didn't even say anything to anyone for like three weeks. When I mentioned it to my mom, she told me to go to the doctor right away. I did, and in the office, he said that I probably had a cyst, and not to worry about it, but ordered a mammogram anyway. They called the day after my mammogram with the terrible results.

I never did self exams.

dustysgirl said:

as terribly sad as this is, thank god you did before it got to a point at which you would not be able to type this.

So sorry to hear this ..... I wish you and your family strength

cborgman said:

and it's wonderful that through you're sharing you are promoting more self awareness for younger women to do self exams

Romera said:

same here my tears are falling on my desk

dustysgirl said:

thank you for sharing that... and thank goodness you were paying attention and noticed the difference. my mother didn't notice until her bra wasn't fitting normally on her left side. i think it was quite far advanced.

my mother talks about cancer taking a year of her life away but in return for how deathly sick the chemotherapy made her she has enjoyed the last 23 years. there have been a couple of scares but they turned out to be fluid.

i do think it is good news that it is not in the bone. surely this is some relief. you found the courage to face it not once but twice. i know that i can not begin to relate having not gone through radiation or chemotherapy but i know it is our only weapon.

fight it with all you can muster
fight it for everything you have been through
fight it for your children
fight it for your husband
fight it for your future

hell even fight it so you can go see the purple freak on the 3121 tour!!
and if you need to vent please feel like you can orgnote me anytime

i have a card hanging in my shower reminding me to do self exams. i need to be more diligent - i certainly am not as thorough or do them as often as i should.

one in nine of us women - one in nine.

Hang in there.
One day at a time,
you'll get thru it.