I was just talking to one of my best friends, who has been seeing this guy for a couple of months. He's a few years older than her, but thats never been an issue for them. However, she told me she has just found some rather strong evidence to suggest hes not 7, but 13 years older, and that he's been lying to her the whole time! At first I thought, well, thats not too bad...if you really like each other etc. But then she reminded me, there have been a few instances where he's not been honest with her before. Nothing too serious, and mostly nothing she has been able to solidly prove, but she says she just has "a hunch".

So my question is, do little white lies add up? Is he just a lying scumbag?! if they like each other enough, they could get over this age gap lie thing - once he explains himself And she seems to think he's a good guy through and through, so maybe its all a misunderstanding. He does seem nice, and genuine, and I'm a pretty good judge of character.

I love this girl, and she really likes this guy so I want to give her the best advice possible. Help Orgers?

Thanks

cant type edit
[Edited 3/8/06 9:17am]

Maybe your friend should confront him about it and by his reaction she should be able to tell if it was a little white lie or a serious one.

I think they do.

When someone misrepresents their reality with little white lies all the time, there's something at work there. Be it insecurity or down right deceptiveness.

And should she stick it out. It's up to her. I would suggest she seriously think about staying with this guy. I'm not saying he's a lying scumbag. What I am saying is it is not likely to stop (the white lies) and she will need to know that she will be dealing with that in her relationship with him.

Nothinbutjoy said:

i agree. will she be able to deal with it throughout? or will she get sick of it down the road is something to think about.

Everyone rationalizes lying at some point or another. In fact, you'd be lying if you said you didn't...lol..it's mostly a self-defense mechanism, and a horribly flawed one at that.

But if the "vibe" you pick up from your lover is a constant undercurrent of dishonesty, big and small, consider it a huge red flag. If he's lying that much, he's either keeping something significant from her, or it's just a sign of his true character. If it's the former and the "significant thing" comes to light, the vibe will go away. If it's the latter, then it will remain, and you'll constantly find things in the present that aren't quiiite true...until you find something huge that's been a lie all along.

Thanks guys, good stuff.

Nothinbutjoy, I see what you mean, but I dont think he's a lying sorta person, you know, the kind that just makes shit up all the time. Anytime I suggest something like that to her she swears she believes him and that HE swears hes being honest. So im inclined to believe her. I just want to protect her.

Maybe they just dont know each other well enough yet? maybe it's just a misunderstanding? Still, that doesnt excuse his lying his about his age. Oh I cant wait til she talks to him about that!

Byron said:

I think you just summed it up. Its not so much about actual lies, its more about dishonesty, keeping secrets. I really want to like him, and support her, but thats the vibe I have whispering in my ear. Which is unfortunate. I think she sees it too you know, she just wants to ignore it, she wants it to work out. Dammit!

Thanks Byron

susannah said:

I speak from experience...from both ends.

And you're welcome...*smile*

Agree with many of these comments...

Sorry susannah, I would post a better response if I had chance but:

~ I think gut instinct speaks volumes. If she thinks he's a good guy, she might wish to give him a chance to explain himself. See what he comes up with. You never know, he could be a really nice, honourable guy that just has a massive insecurity about the age difference. Doesn't excuse it but at least she'll have an answer. You never know.

However...

~ this is where the lies - white or not - must stop. Otherwise, there'll be trust issues to deal with further down the road, I guarantee. And you want to know that what you hear is the truth. Not something designed to make your friend feel better.

I'd hear what he has to say first. Take it from there.

they do add up and can undermine a relationship in a hurry

onenitealone said:

Fantastic advice ONA thankyou. Im inclined to agree with you, but we will see what she says

however you Mach make a very good point too...

Thanks everyone

Definitely

I dated a guy.. and for 3 weeks it was lies.. little ones that he thought meant no harm, but even so, he wasnt the guy I thought he was.

I ditched him as soon as I found out.

REDFEATHERS said:

I wish I'd been as wise with mine

Love you!

Teacher said:

Well he said he was French and had a motorbike shop in the south of France and his name was when really it was the ppl I met were not his friends but his family, and he wasnt from where he said he was, and he was an illegal immigrant, so I guess thats enough lies

REDFEATHERS said:

ok I dont think this guy is lying quite that much!

Red

A little white lie now and then don't hurt.

Are they getting their groove on?
.

AlienX2050 said:

Is who getting whose groove on?

Little white lies no, but telling the girl youre seeing youre 5 years younger than you are? doesnt sit very well with me...

susannah said:

Me neither

Men have never had to lie about their age with me, its never been an issue. Is she VERY young? What age is he?

REDFEATHERS said:

Shes 23, he said he was 30, now she thinks he's 35. I think it was some profile on the internet he had, his msn profile or something, that she saw...

So I dont know...maybe he tells everyone that? maybe he was trying to get with a hot young thing?! Either way....

she should hire in investigator to check him out. he could be married and etc.

XxAxX said:

Hmmm....serious stuff... I dont think she wants to go quite that far though!

susannah said:

yes well he's lied to her already on something fairly important. she should trust her 'hunch'

susannah said:

nah too much money. if you gotta go there its not worth it.

brownsugar said:

no really. a basic search on someone, say credit check, criminal history, background asset search - 50-70$

XxAxX said:

If she feels she needs an investigator, she should just break up with him at that point...

susannah said:

Either way.. you just said it.. someone who lies on their profile has something to hide and therefore isnt genuine, he could have fessed up straight away, but ppl lying like that, I take as a definite no no

Byron said:

i agree she should listen to her 'hunch' about this guy

brownsugar said:

Im inclined to agree. Youre right XxAxX, he has lied about something important, but theyve only been seeing each other a few months, I would probably sooner get rid of him than investigate professionally, Im sure she would feel the same. Plus she's a student, she dont gots that kinda dough!

susannah said:

but still if he's lying about little shit here and there it will make one wonder. but then again it not like she's about to get married or anything. she should just protect herself and have fun. ride it out till she's sick of him.

REDFEATHERS said:

we dont know if he's lied on this msn or whatever profile, or to her, but one of the numbers dont add up. If its the profile age thats wrong though, well that would be easier to forgive for me, I'm under the impression that people lie all the time on these things, not you or me on here, but randoms you know? Who arent using it to actually make friends?