feeling much better now...

thank you all

went and smoked a few hits from the weed bag, listened to some david bowie and then my roomate's song, and then "new york state of mind" (damn you, billy joel)
and feel much much much better now.



i get worked up. thank you for enduring it, and i will respond to the org notes tomrrow when i am all sober and rested, and can respond with intelligence instead of being high.

thank you all.

much love
[Edited 10/16/05 20:34pm]
[Edited 10/16/05 20:35pm]
[Edited 10/16/05 21:56pm]

orgnote...

CarrieMpls said:

thanks, hon

cborgman said:

Have others made this happen or is it your own self-perception as well?

You are worthy.

retina said:

honestly, i feel like it's the former, which is a massive part of the reason i hate and try not to tell people that i see in the non-internet world. from that point on, they often look at toyu with pity.

i ran into a friend of mine who i grew up with in texas last night on the subway, who i knew i would run into here in new york at some point, and i told him last christmas when we were both at a party in texas that was a sort of reunion of all of us, and predictably and understandably, one of the first questions of out his mouth was about my health.

i understand why he asked, he is concerned, but it's the kind of thing i mean.

but at the same time, there is some level of self definition that goes with it. it's certainly is something that keeps me from ever wanting to meet someone to date any more. i hate having to say "before we see each other again, there's something i have to tell you..." because of the gentle rejection that usually comes after that conversation.

i don't know.

dreamfactory313 said:

thank you

cborgman said:

I can barely imagine what it would be like to be in your situation, but I can guess that it's - in a very vague sense - similar to what my dad tried to describe to me after he lost his left eye in an accident. He said that every day that he wakes up he feels just like normal for a couple of seconds before he remembers that he can only use one eye. Then he feels like he at least looks normal until he looks in the mirror. He doesn't define himself as a one-eyed man; every night makes him go back to feeling like himself again, if nothing else at least in his dreams. It's only when reality pressures and reminds him that he becomes the one-eyed man - and as described above it can happen so fast that he can barely tell the difference between being reminded all the time that he "should" be like that and actually being that. Deep down though, he knows the difference. I hope you do too, in your case.

I think you've expressed your feelings quite well.

And I'm sorry to hear that you've been through so much and continue to deal with these things. You deserve better, and perhaps in my ignorant optimism or overzealust wish that good people reep the benefits born of their suffering, I feel that you will find what you want. Don't give up.


,
[Edited 10/16/05 19:03pm]

I am deeply sorry that you have had to endure such pain in your life.
I know that I do not know you nor have a chatted with you here on the org but I am a great listener and I too went through a pretty crappy childhood.
If you ever need to vent, you can always org note me.

Take care-

You will overcome it. Believe it. You will.

I am sorry this was done to you. This world is so fucked up and I too have experienced things one shouldn't. I too use weight as a way to push people away and keep them right outside of me..... I suffer survivors guilt horridly. My sister didn't thrive as well until recently..... She found her path and suddenly at 37 she is reborn. Her smile and her laugh are genuine in a way I can not express. I believe that for you too. My cousin...she barely clings to life at 38...still bound down by the crimes against her of her path. All 3 of us strike out our own way..... Be like my sister....do the work.....stay steady.....find not only peace but joyous laughter.

I believe in you.

a few random thoughts...

no one lives a norman rockwell life - the more you peel back the layers the more you realize we are all fucked up in some way or another

i have used weight most of my life to keep people away - hello?? 32 year old woman who hasn't had a serious relationship in... well, ever really. focus on gaining strength and see if that changes your self impression

i'm feeling more in control now. still have things i need to work on but i think i am almost ready to allow myself to try to be happy.
allow yourself to accept and move forward - there is so much to be gained by doing so

three fucking years and hating autumn refers to your diagnosis?? yeah sympathy is well intentioned but it can be draining. my sister died when i was 10 - "my sympathies, my sympathies, my sympathies..." i make it a point to never use that damn word.

something dex said recently has stuck with me. (paraphrasing) what other people say and do is not your reality. it is their reality. that is something you can do nothing about. you are, however, in control over your own reality.

your post oozes frustration
you communicated your thoughts and feelings fantastically

You need to get serious counselling to deal with your issues.

You are a survivor, be proud of that. It may take time but things will get better.

glad you are feeling better

We all get down every now and then...but it's always good to count your "lucky stars" where you got em.

And YES! 30 more years! And then some. I gotta meet you some time and I it may take a few at least before I get to do so.

I love you!

cborgman said:

DRUGGIE!!!

Anxiety said:

Spookymuffin said:

You're pointing and laughing at nothing. Did you know that? Or are you a DOPE FIEND, too!?!?

Anxiety said:

No, I just imagined you as a 6 year old girl shouting that, pulling that face.

I was a dope fiend. I'm normal now.

Spookymuffin said:

that's pretty much what he is like

thank you all for all your kind words... i got too worked up last night and really should have written when in a less depressed and angry place.

bless you all.

cborgman said:

at his age.
[Edited 10/17/05 7:41am]

Spookymuffin said:

i have heard he is hung like a 6 year old girl too

cborgman said:

s'ok.

I know what that's like.

Anxiety said:

superspaceboy said:

I ain't no coke-monkey.

Why apologize, we all have to vent! Thanks for trusting us enough to do that!