Funkhoney's thread about the husband and the wife made me think of this.

I gotta ask ya'll, to see if this is a unique Utah thing or if it happens elsewhere.

I live in a town of about 32,000. I have seen MANY people either divorce or be widowed and remarry within the same year.

One woman I know divorced her husband. It became final in April (give or take a month) and she was remarried by January. Her ex re-married the November before her.

One man I know lost his wife unexpectedly to cardiac arrest. They had been married around 20 years and he was remarried within one year of her death.

One way that I look at it is, that sometimes in marriage one is just going through the motions or very unhappy in the marriage, so when a death or divorce occurs it is easier to move on as the marriage was basically technical.

Is that it? It's just very surprising to me how often I've seen this happen.

Nothinbutjoy said:

My dad died in early August and Mom had her new honey moved in by February. After 50 years of marriage, I think she just didn't know to be alone. I have to say, she seems pretty dang happy.

My father died 7 years ago. About 9 months later (or so), my mom started dating another person. I fully expected them to be married by now, but they're not. I have to say that although my dad and her loved each other very much, this new guy has made her very happy. I'd rather have her happy than living alone and depressed like she was before he came along. The whole family has accepted him, too.
[Edited 10/11/05 17:21pm]

TMPletz said:

i can relate to you in a way. My dad passed away 4 years ago, but it took my mom almost 3 years to move on. She just started dating a year ago. She hasn't found the guy that will make her happy yet, I think it partially has to do with her though, because she looks for my dad in every guy she meets, and when he doesn't live up to the expectations, then she drops them. I told her that its not going to work that way, but she has to learn to let go and realize this on her own.

I believe if it were the other way around though, my dad probably would have had something on the regular by now, thats only because I feel like men move on faster than women do. Buts that just me.
[Edited 10/11/05 17:59pm]

I know someone who has married the same guy twice. They are headed for another divorce. I seriously think they will marry again.....

when wives die, lots of times the men will marry quite quickly, as opposed to women who outlive their husbands. I believe it does have to do with lonliness. women might date, but move slower into a marriage.

It just puzzles me.

It looks like to some degree it happens all over.

Nothinbutjoy said:

I think its statistically supported.....there are studies for everything!

Nothinbutjoy said:

Thanks for mentioning my thread...

I wonder if some folks who stay in a marriage (because ending it isn't the right thing to do) are set free when their spouse dies. They may know exactly what they want in a partner and catch the first one that comes their way.
On the other hand, people who loved their partner like nothing else on earth probably won't remarry (or be real slow to). My grandma became widowed at 45 or something, very young, she adored my grandpa and still speaks of him as the most wonderful man that ever lived - no man could ever live up to him, she has been single the 50 years since, didn't want anyone else

I'm in the process of moving out of a marriage. It wasn't a very serious marriage, partly done to help him get a green card. But it's clear we're mismatched. I just began formalizing the break up last month and he's finally accepting the idea that it's over. But as far back as last May, this other guy sort of stepped into my life. We've haven't gone out on a formal date yet, but it's clear that we're much more suited for each other and that it's beyond mutual interest -- we're simply compatible. Now I've had VERY few relationships and have never moved from one right into another, but there's something about the intensity, pain and struggle of this marriage I've been in that has sort of cleaned out the crap...and made me ready for the real thing. At least, that's the way I see it. It's kind of like learning so clearly what you don't want, when you let it go, in comes what you DO want. But you would never have embraced what you truly want, without the pain of working against it for so long. At least that's the way I see it.

Whether it's because of death or divorce, every person goes through the healing process at their own pace. Some people may never be able to remarry, and some are past the grief enough to start dating at a time when friends and family may think it inappropriate. It all depends on the person.

My good friend died on July 1, 2002...by like 3 months later his wife was dating a much older guy, dumped him started dating a younger guy and he moved in in January 2003. A few of us thought it was a bit soon...especially since she has 2 kids.

amorbella said:

Do you know my best friend by chance?

heartbeatocean said:

Thanks for your insight. That's along the lines of what I was thinking.

Meow85, academically, the grieving process comes in 5 or 6 phases, depending on who you read. I find it difficult to believe that someone could deal with it all in 3 months.

I know that how a person grieves, whether it is a death or loss of a long term relationship, is very individual.

Gretchen (Hi sweetie! btw ) My prayers go out to your friend. Her situation is much like what I've seen around me. It's hard not to be concerned when it all seems so sudden.

Nothinbutjoy said:

I think some experiences are there to teach us and it can take a very long time to learn the lesson. If we hang in there though, and really learn it -- don't abort it or escape from it or deny it -- they can move us forward and prepare us for what truly is ours to have. Some people don't deal with the reality of their lives and take all sorts of steps to reinforce the denial of what's happening -- this creates serious dysfunction in a relationship or you become one of those people who create the same negative scenarios again and again, attracting the same kind of destructive partners.

heartbeatocean said:

Well said

Some people are just fortunate enought to have a second chance at love!

Good for them.

I'm not saying they shouldn't move on...but 3 months later? Less than a year later?

Those that do find love again are very blessed, but what's the hurry?

I know a couple who divorced after 10 years together, then they both re-married to younger spouses.

Six years later both younger spouses "DIED" and get this...
The original divorced (and now widdowed) couple ended up getting back together again.

Spooky

Nothinbutjoy said:

I agree, I don't think most people can really get through the process so soon and dating or even marrying that quickly after a loss would be completely innapropriate. There are a few who could do it though. That's why I wouldn't judge a friend or family member who did dtae right away -it's not my place to tell them when to be done being sad.