These jokes so made me laugh! For anyone who wants to know more about the Edinburgh Festival: http://www.eif.co.uk/

- I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms.

- Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr.

- The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

- My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon.

- The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

- My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

- Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

- My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

- You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go "What's my favourite flower?", and you murmur to yourself "Sh*t, I wasn't listening - self-raising?". Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

- The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

- I saw that show '50 Things To Do Before You Die'. I would have thought the obvious one was Shout For Help!! Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron.

- I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ..... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

- Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance.

- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms.

- A dog goes into a hardware store and says "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?". The dog replies "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

- Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance.

- I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!". Norman Lovett at The Stand.

- It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. Chris Addison at the Pleasance.

- I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand.

- If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly..

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap