if you partner is not aware of your "outside actions" ... YES, it's cheating

Yes, it's cheating.
Once you let someone in like that...into your sexual fantasies, into your mind...you've allowed another person to intrude upon your relationship.
Once that happens, it can't ever be the same.

Soulofmysoul said:

true

REDFEATHERS said:

Obviously it's true.
And if you find yourself in that situation,the only honest thing to do is reveal what you've done and deal with the consequences.

I've always felt that if you question whether or not something is cheating, and it's something that you would hide from your partner, then more than likely it is. Sexual in nature or knowingly becoming emotionally involved.

AzureStarr said:

It depends on whether or not you are in love....

Now if you like to fuck for the fuck of it - Yeeessss - phone sex is ok!

But I would say Phone Sex.....with anyone other than your main squeeze, is cheating because you are trying to evoke the same response as if you were having buttnaked sex!!!

Natsume said:

don't make it harder than what it really is.

Let me break it down for you:

If you find that your spouse or bf/gf is going on a date with another person having a drink, holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling with each other...you wouldn't call that cheating?

Hell telling all of your relationship business to someone else besides the person you SHOULD be talking to because you feel that your spouse or bf/gf doesn't understand you, thats cheating.

Whats so hard to understand about that?

I would say it's pathetic, but that's just me.

and yes phone sex is fucking cheating!!!!

jerseykrs said:

Your phone sex technique is pathetic?

So is online flirting cheating? Is it sometimes cheating and sometimes not? Is it still cheating if it's not kept secret? Is it cheating regardless of the intentions of the people involved? Does there have to be some kind of intent for it to be cheating? Do the words in my sig line constitute cheating?

...
[Edited 8/20/05 17:56pm]

Fauxie said:

Flirting is not cheating, but depending on the "rules" of your relationship it may still be off limits.
[Edited 8/20/05 1:56am]

missfee said:

Haven't you ever been out with someone only to discover that they considered it a "date," when the thought never even crossed your mind? It's more common than you would think.

So-called "dates" do not always include the aforementioned physical contact. Obviously it's cheating if you (or your s.o.) are out with someone else engaging in these acts, but not all "dates" require sex.

Phone sex is what it sounds like. Aurally getting someone off. "Dates" aren't so easy to confine to one definition.

Telling someone your relationship business may not in the best of taste, but it sure isn't cheating, unless you are telling it in a pornographic manner with the intention of getting them off.

By the way, I do not appreciate your patronizing response, unintentional or not.

Natsume said:

I would never go out with a someone of the opposite sex when I'm in a relationship (unless it's family or a good friend who has a very good reason to object against my partner being present).

JoeyMFinCoco said:

Then how do you make friends of the opposite sex outside of your s.o.?

Natsume said:

you are reading into it way too much. I understand that not all dates don't have to include physical contact, however, i'm not even talking about those kind of dates. It's obvious in my response that I am talking about dates that DO include physical contact which is in my opinion, cheating.

And just to make my point as clear as possible to you, yes, phone sex is cheating, cyber sex is cheating, note sex is cheating, giving someone else a passionate kiss is also cheating. Do you understand what i'm saying now?

I'm sorry if you feel my "patronizing response" hurt your feelings, but i simply cannot help that. I say what's on my mind and thats it.
[Edited 8/20/05 15:58pm]

JoeyMFinCoco said:

Exactly what i'm trying to say!!!

Natsume said:

why would you want to make friends of the opposite sex that you didn't have before you got into a relationship, if you already have a gf/bf and especially a husband or a wife? Your spouse or gf/bf should be your best friend of the opposite sex, so much that if you are a guy, you don't need a whole group of girls calling you to go out for pizza or if you are a woman, a group of guys asking you if want to go clubbing saturday night?? it doesn't work like that.

missfee said:

It's not obvious in your response, which is why I called you out on it. And since we seem to agree so much then I think it's futile to further this discussion, don't you?

You didn't hurt my feelings, but I appreciate and accept your apology with grace and style. Now excuse me while I make my way to work!

Natsume said:

have a great day at work!!

missfee said:

sorry, I couldn't help quickly responding to this one - I like having friends of the opposite sex outside of my s.o. He feels the same way. We are secure in our relationship and in each other to trust that we have good judgment (that we won't go out with skeazy people who have notsogood intentions) and if we DO happen to hang out with other boys and girls, we won't cheat. Believe it or not there are people in this world who sometimes simply want to be friends!

I like to go out with my male friends and having the option of making new male friends if such a situation arises. My boyfriend feels the same. So while that is fine for you and the way you work your relationships, that does not apply to me - or him - at all.

missfee said:

thank you!

I am new here folks. I find relationship threads repulsive . But, I am going to deal with this one. Most of the responses that all of you are giving are defeating the point. At the end of the day, it obvious that if this man finds its necessary to lust after someone elese t on the telephone than that not all of his needs are bying met and it's time him look for love elsewhere instead of pondering about it. That's all I got to say.
[Edited 8/20/05 16:35pm]

I've not read through this entire thread so I'm sure someone else has already said this in so many words, but: if what you're doing (in this case, phone sex..) makes you feel guilty, or you feel you have to hide what you're doing from your significant other because it would either hurt them terribly or start an argument and/or end the relationship, then yeah - phone sex is cheating.

missfee said:

Um, so you're talking about dates which will more than likely lead to sexual activities, and you're positing that this is cheating?

Don't rock the boat there! Those are some pretty controversial views.


For the record, I think having sex with someone other than your partner is cheating. Don't bash me!

MadameS said:

SOMETIMES that's not the case, though. His "needs not being met" might not necessarily be the significant other's fault, or an indication he needs to find someone else who can satisfy him more completely.

SOMETIMES cheating via phone sex, or in any other way, is a case of somebody who is just not mature enough, or is legitimately interested or invested in being in a commited relationship with ANYBODY, and is just out to gratify themselves whenever and whatever way he/she can...and no matter who the cheater becomes involved with, they're going to continue to cheat, directly or indirectly, no matter what the quality of the relationship because the cheater get off on the danger aspect of cheating, or they have little respect for their S.O., or whatever their particular reason.

SOMETIMES cheating reveals the character of the cheater (or the *potential* cheater), and not so much indicates how well their needs are being met or even the overall quality of the relationship itself.

Not that what you said doesn't have its validity, too, because it does. I just wanted to point out the other possibilities.
[Edited 8/20/05 18:06pm]

MrsJimmyFallon said:

Ok, so in others words, what I'm saying have some validity. Thus,you're just playing devil's adovocate and that's cool. I can catch the drift.

Fauxie said:

how is it controversial that if you go out on a date with another woman/man that, that is considered cheating? I really don't understand some of you on here, its like some of you say, "well cheating is when you sleep with someone else, but if you go out on a date with somebody, that is not cheating", thats bullshit.

Here is a definition:

cheating

adj 1: not faithful to a spouse or lover; "adulterous husbands and wives"; "a two-timing boyfriend" [syn: adulterous, cheating(a), two-timing(a)] 2: violating accepted standards or rules; "a dirty fighter"; "used foul means to gain power"; "a nasty unsporting serve"; "fined for unsportsmanlike behavior" [syn: cheating(a), dirty, foul, unsporting, unsportsmanlike] n : a deception for profit to yourself [syn: cheat]

MadameS said:

Yeah, what you said has validity because *sometimes* cheating, or contemplating cheating, can indicate big problems within a relationship that can be due to the person's partner not satisfying their needs or fulfilling them in certain ways. Although, in that case, I think cheating is still somewhat indicative to a person's character because cheating is low, sneaky, and wrong, even if your relationship sucks -- in other words, if your relationship sucks, get out of it and then pursue other relationships honestly and openly, not behind anybody's back.

However, in my previous post I was merely pointing out that SOMETIMES the above is not the case. SOMETIMES cheating reveals more about the cheater than the quality of his/her relationship, or how well the cheater's needs are being met by their partner. SOMETIMES, in SOME cases, cheating is - phone sex or cybersex or whatever - because the cheater isn't capable of staying true, or just plain isn't interested in a committed relationship, and his (or her) cheating tendencies are merely because they enjoy the danger of it....and all of that has nothing to do with how well their needs are being met.

So, no I really wasn't playing devil's advocate. I was trying to illustrate another perspective on cheating. I'm not sure what "drift" you caught by my post, as I truly wasn't drifing anything your way, other than pointing out another possibility for cheating.