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Cow Oracle arrested...suspicion of money laundering, drug distribution I have always been honest with you bipeds. I told you the previously unknown fact about cow intellectual superiority to humans and gave you details of our plan to take over the planet. I have even been warning you this week that the takeover is imminent. It is with great pause that I share this with you. This has not hit your human media yet but it will, and I guarantee the story will make the automatic assumption of guilt. I will, however, keep an open mind. I have always believed in the Oracle and will not assume the worst to be true.
CNN (Cow News Network) has broken a story concerning the great and holy Cow Oracle. It seems that the wise one was arrested an hour ago on suspicion of money laundering and drug smuggling/distribution. The Oracle has been taken into custody and has issued no comment on the allegations. Details have not yet come out but I am getting to the bottom of it. I will submit details as they become available. There will be many rumors but do not believe them. I will have the real story and the real facts. And JediMaster, before you start gloating, please realize that these are just allegations and all creatures, not just humans, should be assumed innocent until proven guilty. The Cow Revolution is still on, pending further notice, so don’t think that you humans are off the hook. 
Great and holy Cow Oracle...certainly innocent of all charges. Eat Mor Horses | |
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Four legs good!
Two legs bad! | |
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Our intelligence shows that this "Cow Oracle" is, in fact, an imposter! Cow, I'm NOT going to gloat here, because it appears that the Cows have indeed been deceived. As I reported a while back, the Cow Oracle was killed in a skirmish near Brenham, Texas, a hotbed of CUDDD activity. THIS imposter was, in fact, one of the Cow Oracle's decoys (it is believed that she employed at least five of them. DNA testing has proved that we got the real deal back in Brenham), who used her position to pull off a power grab. Since only the Oracle's inner circle knew about the decoys (and most of them were either killed or captured), it is understandable that the Cows would fall for this deception.
It has been revealed to us that this decoy has a long track record of scams and deceptions. Two years ago she was convicted of trying to extort money from Cameron Diaz, and settled a lawsuit with Michael Jackson (where she alleged that he had tried to milk her calf) just last year. So, Cow, I ask you....where does this leave your revolution? Are you willing to start discussing a cease-fire? 
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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Cow = fat shady. | |
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Simply Moovelous! Christian Zombie Vampires | |
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Idiotboy said: Simply Moovilous!
That quip is horrid! | |
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2the9s said: Idiotboy said: Simply Moovilous!
That quip is horrid! I thought it was udderely spectatular and semi devoid of the letter E. Christian Zombie Vampires | |
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2the9s said: Cow = fat shady.
 | |
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Despite JediMaster's insistance, the Oracle is not an imposter. The Oracle bares a very unique distinguishing mark that cannot be duplicated. That doesn't make the most recent news any less disheartening. The Moo York Times is planning on running the following article tomorrow:
Oracle Arrested; Possible Drug Ring Connection, Millions Missing From Revolution Fund
The Cow Oracle, considered great and holy by many of cowkind, was arrested on Thursday afternoon at the palatial Royal Mansion. The Oracle, whose Milk Alcohol Content was very high, was brought in on charges on misapproriating funds and a possible connection with a multi-million dollar drug ring. The Oracle, who has been calling for cows to rise up and defeat their human opressors, has been soliciting funds from outside sources for months in order to finance the Cow Revolution which was to start this week. Private auditors found over 100 million dollars missing from the Revolution fund which the Oracle could not account for. On Wednesday, a drug bust at a local farmhouse captured several hundred pounds of heroin, cocaine, and amphetimines. Cow intelligence has tied in the recent busts with other recent busts and found several sources who attribute the drug trade to one ringleader; the Oracle. "His hoofprints are all over it," said one cow DEA officer who would not go into detail. The Oracle has issued no comment but his lawyer says that the whole thing is "bullsh-t" and then apologized for such blatant irony. How this will affect the Cow Revolution is anyone's guess. The Oracle, who rose through the Order of Cows quickly to become the Bovine Surpreme, has been the leader and figurehead of the cow rebellion but his arrest could significantly alter the timeline of the takeover. "I don't know what we're going to do now,"said Cow, one of the Oracle's most trusted followers." I do know that by the time this is all over, the Oracle will be proven innocent of all the charges." Eat Mor Horses | |
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Cow said: Despite JediMaster's insistance, the Oracle is not an imposter. The Oracle bares a very unique distinguishing mark that cannot be duplicated. That doesn't make the most recent news any less disheartening. The Moo York Times is planning on running the following article tomorrow:
Oracle Arrested; Possible Drug Ring Connection, Millions Missing From Revolution Fund
The Cow Oracle, considered great and holy by many of cowkind, was arrested on Thursday afternoon at the palatial Royal Mansion. The Oracle, whose Milk Alcohol Content was very high, was brought in on charges on misapproriating funds and a possible connection with a multi-million dollar drug ring. The Oracle, who has been calling for cows to rise up and defeat their human opressors, has been soliciting funds from outside sources for months in order to finance the Cow Revolution which was to start this week. Private auditors found over 100 million dollars missing from the Revolution fund which the Oracle could not account for. On Wednesday, a drug bust at a local farmhouse captured several hundred pounds of heroin, cocaine, and amphetimines. Cow intelligence has tied in the recent busts with other recent busts and found several sources who attribute the drug trade to one ringleader; the Oracle. "His hoofprints are all over it," said one cow DEA officer who would not go into detail. The Oracle has issued no comment but his lawyer says that the whole thing is "bullsh-t" and then apologized for such blatant irony. How this will affect the Cow Revolution is anyone's guess. The Oracle, who rose through the Order of Cows quickly to become the Bovine Surpreme, has been the leader and figurehead of the cow rebellion but his arrest could significantly alter the timeline of the takeover. "I don't know what we're going to do now,"said Cow, one of the Oracle's most trusted followers." I do know that by the time this is all over, the Oracle will be proven innocent of all the charges." Actually, the mark you speak of was an elaborate tattoo job. Still, y'all cows have been following this grifter, and been led down the path to ruin, so it's all the same. Your "Oracle" is no Oracle at all (for that matter, neither was the one we butchered and served up as brisket. You have been deceived since day one). It's time to put your pointless plan aside. Too many of your species have already fallen in this doomed insurrection, and it's really screwing up my diet. Seriously, I'm ready to switch to chicken for a while, saving the steaks and burgers only for special occassions. Whaddya say, Cow? Are you ready to discuss a peace accord?
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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The news keeps getting worse. My sources have said that new information has come out about a sex tape with the Oracle heavily featured. The footage is grainy, and often a hoof obscures half the picture, but the Oracle is seen in sexual orgies with multiple cows, bulls, and even other barnyard animals such as horses. I have not seen the tape and am trying to get a copy of it right now. I have not yet had a chance to talk to the Oracle but I am sure a statement will be coming soon from the Holy One.
Paris Hilton has issued a denial of involvement, just out of habit. Eat Mor Horses | |
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Cow said: The news keeps getting worse. My sources have said that new information has come out about a sex tape with the Oracle heavily featured. The footage is grainy, and often a hoof obscures half the picture, but the Oracle is seen in sexual orgies with multiple cows, bulls, and even other barnyard animals such as horses. I have not seen the tape and am trying to get a copy of it right now. I have not yet had a chance to talk to the Oracle but I am sure a statement will be coming soon from the Holy One.
Paris Hilton has issued a denial of involvement, just out of habit. I haven't seen it, but I understand that Colin Farrel can be seen in the video.
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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JediMaster said: Cow said: The news keeps getting worse. My sources have said that new information has come out about a sex tape with the Oracle heavily featured. The footage is grainy, and often a hoof obscures half the picture, but the Oracle is seen in sexual orgies with multiple cows, bulls, and even other barnyard animals such as horses. I have not seen the tape and am trying to get a copy of it right now. I have not yet had a chance to talk to the Oracle but I am sure a statement will be coming soon from the Holy One.
Paris Hilton has issued a denial of involvement, just out of habit. I haven't seen it, but I understand that Colin Farrel can be seen in the video. Breaking news on Cow News Network...Colin Farrell's comments on his possible involvement in the Oracle sex tape 
"I didn't fucking know they were fucking cows, man. I mean what the fuck! I man when the lights are out, who the fuck knows man? I mean the fucking Cow Oracle or whatever the fuck...I don't know who the fuck that is. I'm just having a good time so fuck off. Fuck!" The eloquent Mr. Farrell's comments aside, this is quite troublesome. Eat Mor Horses | |
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It's a bloodbath on CNN (Cow News Network). The sex tape just broke out an hour ago but now it appears that the Oracle was having a torrid affair with actor Jude Law. Jude is claiming that he has never met the Oracle and kept his extracurricular activities to humans only but a torrid love letter, being authenticated now, shows a connection between the two.
An exclusive copy of the letter has reached my hooves: Dearest Oracle: Last night was spectacular, darling. I have never known love like that with anyone, not my wife, not my fiance, and not my 17 mistresses. The way you worked your (edited for graphic content) and (really edited for severe graphical and damn near impossible content) has my head spinning like a British school boy in a British candy shoppe. I am udderly head over heels (please pardon the pun darling) and would like to ask for your hoof in marriage. I just have to dump the scag I'm with now. Hugs and kisses and I will meet you this evening for more (DEAR GOD, edited for some really specific anatomic descriptions). Your Loverman, Jude Law, Actor I truly am in disebelief right now. Eat Mor Horses | |
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SparkyFace, in happier times Horse Arrested in Drug Ring Involving Cow Revolution Leader by Pat McCrotch, associated press writer In a shocking turn of events, Drug enforcement agents raided the barn of famed racing horse Sam's Fantastic SparkyFace, in connection with an earlier arrest involving CUDDD leader, the "Cow Oracle". Federal agents allege that SparkyFace was actually working with the CUDDD cleric to distribute heroin, meth and horse tranquilizers. "It's shocking," said fellow racehorse Dreaming of Mimi, "I mean, just the idea of a horse helping out a cow like that is beyond belief! I've never heard of such a thing!" Agents say they were first tipped to the horse's involvement when they spied him in a widely cirulating sex tape involving the Cow Oracle and actor Collin Farrell. "We'd been trying for months to pin down just who the mysterious 'Mr. Stallion' was that the cartel members were speaking of in wire taps. We never dreamed it was an actual horse!" said an agent connected to the case, speaking on condition of anonymity. Agents went on to state that Mr Farrell has been cleared of any wrongdoing. "He was clearly wasted out of his freaking mind," said the agent "and the knowledge that he was engaging in sex acts with barnyard animals is really punishment enough". Mr Farrell could not be reached for comment Truly shocking news! ---- [Edited 7/29/05 8:49am] [Edited 7/29/05 8:51am]
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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Cow News Network is now reporting, on top of the other recent allegations, that the Oracle might have connections with top Presidential advisor Karl Rove. Computers from the Oracle's office have been confiscated and e-mails have been found between the Oracle and a top Rove advisor concerning issues of Cow Intelligence. E-mails show that the Oracle has a been sending the identities of several secret Cow Intelligence Ageny members to Rove. Rove, the Oracle, and any other parties involved are not available for comment.
Connected with the Oracle? Eat Mor Horses | |
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Cow said: Cow News Network is now reporting, on top of the other recent allegations, that the Oracle might have connections with top Presidential advisor Karl Rove. Computers from the Oracle's office have been confiscated and e-mails have been found between the Oracle and a top Rove advisor concerning issues of Cow Intelligence. E-mails show that the Oracle has a been sending the identities of several secret Cow Intelligence Ageny members to Rove. Rove, the Oracle, and any other parties involved are not available for comment.
Connected with the Oracle? Y'know, I've always thought he had a certain bovine quality to him!!
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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Now apparently Cow News Network is reporting that the Oracle illegally sold one million shares of, ironically enough, Oracle stock after speaking with a higher up in the company. The sale came only a day before Oracle reported a huge loss, looking very much like insider trading.
The Oracle will make a statement on this and all the other charges at 3:30 Bovine Standard Time. Eat Mor Horses | |
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Cow said: Now apparently Cow News Network is reporting that the Oracle illegally sold one million shares of, ironically enough, Oracle stock after speaking with a higher up in the company. The sale came only a day before Oracle reported a huge loss, looking very much like insider trading.
The Oracle will make a statement on this and all the other charges at 3:30 Bovine Standard Time. Looks like the "Oracle' is in deep manure. I fully suspect we'll hear some BS about it being a "frame up" and what not. This beast has deceived the cows of the world, trying to get them to believe her hate-filled agenda.
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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How the mighty have fallen!
I hear rumours that a reality TV-show is in the works on Bovine Entertainment Television, in which the Oracle will give a glimpse into the life of burden she currently leads. She is due to appear on Oprah as well, as soon as she finishes writing her book on the heavily publicized character assassination she was subjected to. Any info on this? It seems like she is trying to establish herself in the world of bipeds. 
[edit] Might as well get the station right. [Edited 7/29/05 13:14pm] | |
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The Oracle issued a statement a few minutes ago. Here is what was said:
Fellow cows, this has been a trying day for the bovine kind. I apologize for any grief these terrible lies may have caused anyone. I am 100% not guilty of all the charges slung at me by malicious humans and traitorous cows. I would, at this time, like to refute the following charges: 1) I have never embezzled, misappropriated or misused any funds set aside for the Cow Revolution. My extravagant housing, 37 cars, and diamond encrusted silverware was bought with money earned from hard work and clipping coupons. 2) I have never taken or sold any illegal narcotics. Don't do drugs! 3) I have never knowingly engaged in any tapes of a sexual nature and know Mr. Colin Farrell on an informal social basis. 4) I have never contacted Karl Rove or any of his associates and would never give up the identity of my cow compatriots in the Cow Intelligence Agency. 5) I have never sold or bought stocks based on insider information. I just guessed that Oracle was going to have bad earnings. I am a good guesser. I am the freaking Oracle after all. 6) I have never supplied illegal steroids to several Major League Baseball players, including Barry...what, that hasn't come out yet? Never mind. As far as my relationship with Mr. Jude Law, Actor, I have no further comment except to say that he is my sweet baboo and I hope we have a long life together. The lies perpetrated today will all be refuted and my innocence will be proclaimed. I will aggressively fight these charges and the Revolution will still occur. You cannot hold cowkind or their leader down much longer. I have spoken. Viva la revelucion! Sounds good to me. Long live the great Cow Oracle! Eat Mor Horses | |
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Sounds like an out-of-court settlement to me, though that would never entirely unload any suspicions.
Justice or not, this could hurt the revolution. | |
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I have talked to the Oracle by phone. The Revolution will be pushed back a few days so you have a brief reprieve, humans. The Oracle has also asked that, if any of you would to contribute to the "Free the Great and Holy Cow Oracle Fund" you should send checks or money orders care of me. The Oracle has requested that I seek out the attorney that defended Michael Jackson and from what I understand, he doesn't come cheap. Eat Mor Horses | |
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Amazing! The Cow Oracle denies doing drugs or having sex with Colin Farrell, yet it's all caught on tape! This cow has been caught red-hoofed!
Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:9) | |
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HI ORG! OH WAIT POOK THOUGHT POOK IN INTERESTING THREAD NEVERMIND P o o |/, P o o |\ | |
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