why do the tubes always have to be crowded with tossers and muppets? i know, i know, you're going to say "you wanker. stop complaining and just drive to work". well, i would but i'm skint. anyway i was nearly pranged by a lorry that missed the give-way - the driver was a prime knob-shank at that, and should have been sporting an L plate. luckily i was wearing my trainers so i got out of the way as his bonnet swept past. he knocked a few cats eyes off the tarmac but i wasn't hit. not a bobby in sight, naturally.

anyway this morning the tubes were absolutely packed. i thought i was lucky when i found a seat besides a tatty old man eating week-old sponge fingers. he offered me one but i'd already had a lovely serving of toad-in-the-hole so i refused. he was chuffed at that so i told him i thought the sponge fingers were cracking but i was full up. well, you'd have thought i'd called the queen mum a slag. he simply wouldn't belt up about it until i figured i might as well have a bash so i took a sponge finger and bit into it.

my mistake and hard cheese to me. the damn thing made my stomach heave and i got a full body rash immediately. he grinned and smiled like he'd done me a huge favor so i tipped him five quid and got off when the line ended. i spent most of the day in the convenience, and after work headed right for the general practitioner's office. he told me i'd be right as rain in a few days and that i should lay off the fags.

next time i think i'll walk to work.

Gordon Bennett!

gordon whatsit?

Well Bugger me..

Tha dunt no what Gordon Bennett meenz

Well I'll go t'bottom o' our stairs

or't Jolly Dancers az sum folks call 'em

What's t'world cummin to

OK, well I am UK born and bred and even I have NO IDEA what you're on about young man

:hmm2;


:idea2;....Yeah...but don't you come from Burminghum...

The Black Country! I ain't no smelly brummy!


Dudley, in fact - just like Lenny Henry.


Some of our local ones:

Ay = Aren't/ Am not ("I ay joking")

Day = Didn't ("I day touch it!")

Bostin'! = Brilliant!

Bost = Broken ("I ay kiddin, I swear you've bost me arm!")

Cor = Can't ("I cor believe it")

Plus we tend to say "Am" instead of "are" e.g. "You'm pulling my leg"

Podging in = queue jumping

saft = stupid (from "soft") "You'm saft, yo am")

yo = you

Bab/ babby = child/ baby "The babby ay bin well, poor might"


Alien life forms = anyone from further away than Tipton or, at a push, Coseley
[Edited 6/17/05 5:16am]

ooops...


Who said Brummies were smelly ..

Oh....You're where the Zoo is...I had an Uncle who lived there...

Earthquake zone innit...


eeee by gum..=...Well I never


Ecky Thump...=...eee by gum

Gordon Bennett!

gordon whatsit?

one that's quite old and not all that common now (but i use, cos i'm a twat), is to use "notes" when talking about money.

so, "that fanny magnet there cost me 6,000 notes."


instead of pounds or "quids" or "squids".

Do you live in 1950's London? Are you friends with Ronnie and Reggie...?

one that's quite old and not all that common now (but i use, cos i'm a twat), is to use "notes" when talking about money.

so, "that fanny magnet there cost me 6,000 notes."


instead of pounds or "quids" or "squids".

hey, i said i was a twat, okay?

that gives me "wanker licence", so i can say things like that.

Oh....I thought I was the twat around here...?


Oh man, I never get to be "it"

Hey, if it'll make you happy, i'm cool with just being a wanker. You can be the twat.
[Edited 6/17/05 6:13am]

I used to call them notes too (I guess I picked that up when I was living in London).

In Dublin Quid used to be the standard name for, well, for a quid, but now we've got the Euro, calling it a quid just doesn't seem right so I've reverted to 'beer vouchers'.

As you've probably already gethered, there's a LOT of regional variation. I'm Scottish, and we have a whole bunch of our own. And even within Scotland, there are regional variations. These are fairly common though:

Keech - crap
Shite - like shit but a stronger expression (also used in the north of England)
Boggin' - Dirty / Ugly
Pish - similar to piss
Dreech - description of a wet (rainy) day
Oose - Fluff which gathers on clothes
Ring Piece (possibly UK wide) - Spynchter (sp?)
Oxter - Arm pit
Bawbag - Scrotum

There are many more besides, but that's plenty for you to be getting on with.

And ... worth pointing out that in the UK, fanny is female genetalia, and is much more offensive here than in the US.

Also, we have LOADS of words for 'drunk' (some of which you may also use):

Pissed / mingin' / steamin' / rat-arsed / burlin' / shit-faced / blootered / hammered / full (or 'fu') and probably loads of others.

L